Pope Francis replies to a letter of support

Dear Dr Schweinehund, Fr Sauerkraut, Prof. Sockenpuppet, the Bishop of Kirchensteuer, etc.,

Thank you so much for your letter of support telling me how wonderful I am. Fortunately, I can say infallibly, magisterially, and with the full backing of the Spirit of Vatican II, that you have completely hit the nail on the head!

My assistant Antonio Spadaro tells me that there are in total 900 billion signatures to your letter, but he does tend to have trouble with counting.

Signing the letter to Pope Francis.

I particular like the way you praised my "courageous and theologically sound papal leadership". It's what I'm known for! You might have added that I always answer questions from my faithful flock, and I would only change the teachings of the Catholic Church in a way that supplied a helpful correction to the misguided views of previous popes, doctors of the Church, apostles and God.

You will have realised that I am under a lot of pressure from rebel cardinals such as Raymond Burke, who, in asking me questions such as "What on earth do you mean by writing such nonsense as Amoris Laetitia?" shows all the evil traits of past witchfinders, torturers, Nazis, and even Pontius Pilate.

The cardinals put Pope Francis on the rack!

As you know, I've also been sent a Correctio Filialis by some people claiming to be priests, theologians and scholars - on the rather flimsy grounds that they are ordained, or have doctorates in theology, or teach at universities. This has bothered me less than you might think, since I haven't tried to read it. How can a pope possibly be in error? Well, to be honest, all the previous ones were, but not me!

Malicious people will say that some of you have a secret agenda in supporting me, because they are pushing for women priests, a change in divorce rules, or a softening of the teaching on abortion, slavery and torture (OK if done "safely"!), and so on. Well, flattery will get you everywhere, and I'll see what I can do!

Here's Number 1 in a series of Great Popes.

+++Francis, Personal Assistant to God.

P.S. It's a shame that you didn't get some more top theologians, such as Massimo Faggioli and Stephen Walford, to sign. Then your letter would have been taken seriously by everyone!