This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Adopt a Deacon!

Some of you will remember dat a few weeks ago I adopted a random cradinal - in fact de website assinged to me Cradinal Ouellet. De good man didn't make it to Pop, but he has been in de news recently, cos de Pop sent him to tell de English and Welsh bishops dat dey aint all saved, cos some of dem aint been standin up for truth and justice.

Magic Circle

Why is it always you four that I read about on Eccles's blog?

Anyway, we gotta new scheme goin now, which is to adopt a deacon. After all, cradinals is generally pretty well off, both spiritaully and materially, whereas deacons is de lowest of de low, often wiv naggin wives and screemin kids, and perhaps a parish priest wot gets em to unblock de drains after Mass.

liturgical plunger

A liturgical plunger - essential equipment for a deacon.

Anyway, I singed up for de new "Adopt a Deacon" scheme, cos I know many very good deacons wot could benefit from a few prayers, gifts of old socks, and so forth. In fact dere is one wot lives in de beuatiful town of Barrow-in-Furness and runs a website called Protect de Pop. I was hopin to get him, so I buoght myself de ceremonial pjyamas of de Swiss Gaurd, so dat I cuold do a bit of pop-protectin myself.

Swiss pyjamas

My new pair of pjyamas.

Also I got a Swiss army knife, wot has got a special blade for stabbin atheists with.

Still, it was not to be, dey has assinged me a very miserable deacon in Croydon, wot spends his time moanin at uvver Cathlics. Dis is gonna be a big challenge for me but I is gonna bring a little sunshine into de man's life.

Croydon

De place where I is gonna bring sunshine.

In fact dere has been even more recent developments, as I has been invited to become a deacon myself. I got dis very interestin e-mail from someone called Chuck Umunny in Nigeria, wot told me I could become a deacon by a correspondence course. All I gotta do is give him my bank detials, date of birth, and other pussonal detials such as de name of my favuorite actress (Tina Beattie). In fact de trainin won't take long, as it aint very hard to do deaconly fings, you just says de black and does de red, as a friend of mine puts it - and, of course, you puts de plunger in and woggles it a bit once de priest has blessed de drain.

I may also have to trade in my red beretta (to which, strictly speaking I is not entitled) for a deacon's hat. Dis is de one I has chosen.

deacon's hat

Wot deacons gotta wear in church.

So, if de course goes as planned, I will soon be Deacon Eccles. I will keep you posted.

20 comments:

  1. Dearest Eccles, my children, especially the boys, are jealous of your ceremonial Swiss Guard jammies and want some or their own. Will you share? They already have Swiss Army Knives (although the elder one had his confiscated after he chopped off the top of his right index finger, and the younger one's knife is made of chocolate so not very useful for protecting the Pope but useful for when Papal Ninjas get peckish...

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    1. You is bringin your boys up very well, sister. I dunno if they does dem pjyamas in kiddie sizes - will investigate.

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  2. Dear Eccles,

    I am soooo jealous. All I got was an offer of a doctorate in ten days and the chance to increase my manhood by three inches. I'll swap the chance of two million dollars for my charity for your deacon.

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  3. I have adopted Deacon Blue under this scheme

    I don't think I am going to fall in love again.

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  4. Chiz, I really wanted to adopt the Croydon one. But if you wish to borrow my 'Lobotomy is Fun' set, you are most welcome Eccles old chap.

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  6. Could you take the the photograph of my church please.

    Say anything you like about me, please, by all means do. However, any post I make are not on behalf of the parish, so please leave them out.

    Thank you

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    1. OK, bruvver, I has put in a gloomier photto now.

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  7. Eccles, can you please take down that aerial photograph of St Andrew's Thornton Heath as it may be useful to German bombers. It is also a very bad advert for London at a time when the tourist economy is already suffering. And keep your adopted deacon under control. We do not want him frightening the horses.

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  8. darling eccles, I got this deacon, he looks like he could protect de Pop very well - as long as he remembered whose side he's on:
    http://assassinscreed.wikia.com/wiki/Deacon

    xx Jess

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    1. Hmm:

      "The Deacon walks up to his target, pulls out his sword, and strikes them in the forehead with its hilt. He then takes advantage of their defenselessness by piercing his victim's stomach with his kilij and withdrawing it quickly, watching them crumple to the floor, dead. "

      Dey does fings differently in American churches, as Father Z will tell you.

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    2. Wargaming deacons comes in all shapes 'n' sizes. The kind of wargaming deacon who saunters in and says "Can you please take down the photo of St Andrew's Thornton Heath," and not piercing his victim's stomach with his kilij, but saying, "Thank you," is quite a new sensation in wargaming.

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    3. Is this supposed to be funny, I believe St. Andrew's Church in Thornton Heath was the scene of an incident with a sword wielding man a few years ago.

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    4. An unfortunate coincidence - which happened in 1999 when, I suspect, Jessica was still at school and not monitoring the incidence of knife crime in Croydon with any particular enthusiasm. Nor were the creators of Assassin's Creed - a game that seems to consist mainly of blokes in mediaeval hoodies jumping off minarets into haycarts.

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    5. Gosh yes, we seems to have wandered away from unblockin draineys, as dey says in Middlesbro.

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  9. Eccles u should stick 2 Fz¿ you bin reading 2 many cousins' blogs ?
    They got neo-cons, crunchy-cons emoti-cons..
    We don't needter emulate em wi' Dee-cons, we got Dalecs,

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  10. Well this is a comedown, Eccles – from Cradinal to Deacon…?

    I put it down to the Pope Francis effect…

    Or maybe there’s a Mrs. Eccles in the offing – or extant – seeing that deacons can plight their trough but Cradinals can’t?

    Curioser and curioser…

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  11. I adopted Deacon Brodie in Edinburgh as it sells very good draught bitter.

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  12. I hasn't seen a Deacon for many years!

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