This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 6 April 2013

I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic

With apologies, once again, to Gilbert and Sullivan.

John Glynn

All join in the singing, please.

I am the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic,
I teach that faith before the 1960s was dia-bo-lic.
The services in Latin we rewrote in the vernacular,
With errors in translation that were really quite spectacular.
We threw out all that chanting in the style known as Gregorian -
It's really just of interest to a dusty old historian!
No ancient hymns we now allow - of classics we won't have any -
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Chorus: 
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!
Paul Inwood

Paul Inwood discovers that Bishop Egan won't need him when he's 64.

We tore down all the altars and we put in common kitchen stuff. 
We threw out all the rit-u-als - but did we really ditch enough?
In short we now have services where worshippers at Mass fro-lic, 
According to the model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic.
Liberal Catholic

A liberal Catholic visits a liberal shrine.

I like to read the Tablet, which is edited by Pepinster:
Adored by many bishops, such as Vincent N. of Westminster.
We've Curti, Duffy, Beattie, Stourton, Patten, and Ma Kennedy,
(The last one is a Baroness - for that there is no remedy).
We're very keen on selling all that's best in modern heresy -
The doctrines we support will often shock the modern clerisy.
One thing we cannot stand is any hint of Va-ti-can edict,
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

Chorus:
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.
Cliff

No space to mention Clifford Longley - sorry, Cliff!

With Francis now in Peter's chair, we'll give support conditional:
We hope he'll change the Church's views, but fear he is traditional.
What Christ and the apostles taught is simply not worth stating now:
We'll soon teach you some newer things, it all requires updating now!
Twelve disciples

"I'll tell you what to say when I've read the Tablet."

In fact, if you can twist Church teaching like a good contortionist,
And say there's nothing wrong when women visit an abortionist,
If you're prepared for family life and marriage to be redefined,
And marry someone of the same sex/ neither/ both/ or undefined -
Indeed, if you have views on Good and Evil of the haziest,
Which could have been made up just now by any half-wit atheist,
In fact if you reject tradition holy and apos-to-lic,
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

Chorus:
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.
Woman bishop

She'd make a mighty fine bishop, wouldn't she?

Rewriting scripture makes me feel just like a revolutionist,
But some say I am secular, and just a simple humanist,
Yet still, although my traddy critics say my views are sham-bo-lic,
I'm just the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic!
Devil

Evil? No, simply a modernist!

21 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Superb - this just has to be recorded

      Delete
  2. So did I to, as well, mrswupple. Dis really is very good Eccles - just what we've all bin waiting for.

    I is wondurrin tho if Mrs Gladys Mills wud play dis for us. If she can't purhaps Damian might pursuede Winnie Attwell. I believes that the new Pope has her biggest party hits on one of dem new-fangled wind-up gramaphone fings. His favrite is "The Poor People of Paris".

    ReplyDelete
  3. Phew, dat was hard work. Don't fink I'll write de rest of de opera.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. darling Eccles, this is brilliant - had me laughing. Dey should all go on a trip to Paradise Valley - and stay there :) xx Jess

      Delete
  4. It's got a good catchy tune. I'll suggest it as our "Gathering Hymn" (T.M.) in the morning.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Splendid, Eccles!

    G & S would probably conclude that you “know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery…”

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think you gave them too much credit by including "Shine Jesus Shine" in their repetoir: "If I [was] a Wiggly Worm" would make a better refrain.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Eccles, with all the really awfulnews around, you is a big ray of sunshine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ray of sunshine. To each his own my grandma used to say.

      Delete
  8. In my Catholic Universe I never took The Tablet so that Herald's some bright news for my elderly brain. Yes I still believe in God.

    ReplyDelete
  9. LOVE this! (and it is too true)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Eccles! Where are you? I'm getting withdrawal symptoms.

    Chloe

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ullo, Chleo, I is travellin a lot at de moment. No opportunitty to blogg again until Sunday, probabbly. Sorry.

      Delete
    2. Good. May you travel forever. A flight to the moon would be good.

      Delete
  11. Hey, that's not a liberal Catholic, that's Fr. Z!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hope NY is going well, darling eccles, and that you got to HI and the cathedral. Wishing you a good journey when you return, and hoping you get a chance to write. xx Jess

    ReplyDelete
  13. Does your luvvly guitarist know the song Ding-Ding-A-Dong ?

    I hear it's popular again these days, Lord knows why !!!

    ReplyDelete