This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 27 June 2020

Three news items

The Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have produced their guidelines for the Celebration of Mass, once this becomes possible again on July 4th. Since going to Mass is obviously far more dangerous than going to the pub, tearing down statues, or going to the cinema, the dear bishops have produced their own guidelines, which are much stricter than the Government's recommendations.
  • All worshippers must wear brand new clothes, which are to be burned once the Mass is ended.
  • Each person must carry a 5-litre drum of hand sanitizer, and wear a mask impregnated with plutonium, to kill viruses.
  • No speaking is allowed: all lips must be sewn shut with steel wire.
  • No kneeling. Holy Communion to be dipped in nitric acid before being offered to the faithful, who must receive on the hands while wearing rubber gloves.
  • Priests to wear either space suits or diving suits, whichever is preferred.

Space 1999

Fr M and his Extraordinary Minister are ready for Mass.

Now, that's what you need to wear to avoid the virus. Another set of regulations will be introduced to help you avoid bad doctrine and liturgical abuses. Blindfolds and earplugs may be a good start.


Meanwhile, over at the Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby has commented on statues at religious sites. "Some will have to come down. Some names will have to change," he said. Of course, the C of E has been tearing down statues since the 16th century, so this should come as no surprise. However, changing their names is a new venture, which shows that he has been reading 1984 very carefully.

Thomas Becket

This statue is to be renamed "George Floyd".

Of course, Welby's motives for tearing down statues is that the person honoured may not be acceptable to modern woke Guardian-reading BLM-supporting worshippers, or even non-worshippers. Sometimes, however, there are good reasons for tearing down statues, such as the abomination below, so who are we to judge?

A parody of the Virgin Mary, seen in Ely Cathedral.


Finally, over in California, there have been a few objections after the statue of St Junipero Serra was pulled down. The bishops do not seem to be greatly bothered by this, and would prefer to leave the issue to people who actually believe in Catholicism. So, we have hired a handy-looking chap called Bob to help protect the statues. Apparently, he used to work for a book-burning company called Word on Fire.

Bishop Barron

Bob's not very bright, but he's very muscular.

17 comments:

  1. Is that terrible statue really in Ely Cathedral? I can see the invisible beach ball.

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  2. Serious undertone, but love it, lightened my day, Thank you so much Eccles.

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  3. O Eccles, I do hope my own diocese doesn't get wind of your proposals...it might think they don't go far enough. Who'd a thunk we'd ever have directions urging the faithful not to return to Mass? (That will last until they realise how much Giving they are not getting.)

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  4. It looks like the younger sister of Shrek's wife, Princess Fiona.

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  5. Pelerin: It certainly is at Ely in the Lady Chapel which must be one of the finest and certainly the largest Lady Chapels in England. Of course all the original statues that filled all the now empty niches were smashed up centuries ago.

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  6. But is this not just a revival of the Old Sodom(R)ite (spelling??). A statue of a priest performing this can be found at:

    http://edwhatamidoinghere.blogspot.com/2014/03/winchester-man-who-saved-cathedral-with.html

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  7. Yes, qua mouse I can vouch to have spied it in Ely Cathedral's smashed-up Lady Chapel(where Cromwell once stabled his horses).
    Mind you, they have 'raves in the nave' there, so it's quite appropriate: 'Our Lady of the Rave'.
    But before you go: they charge for admission.

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  8. You forgot to mention the fuzzy faced EMHC from that interesting Lunar parish. That parish had some pretty funky music too!

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  9. Nicolas Bellord - Oh dear I was hoping it was not true. And to think it is in the Lsdy Chapel too. How could the powers that be have commissioned such a horror, or perhaps it was presented by someone with incredible bad taste? Enough to put you off statues for life.

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  10. I plucked up courage and Googled the statue. There are surprisingly some comments praising it although many do not, likening her to a Snake Goddess, a bra-less Charlie Dimmock and the best comment I think 'Almost unspeakably hideous.' Enough to make you weep or at least give you nightmares.

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  11. Please, why do I get 'Reply' AND 'Delete' below my well-informed comment, when all other Commentators get only 'Reply'? Am I TOO well informed for someone's comfort?
    Mus Tristis

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    Replies
    1. Oh, not again!
      Mus (I would add 'persecutus' except it's a deponent verb, hence 'active in meaning', as in the good old days we learned in school... Any other suggestions?)

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  12. In the US the statue is signaling a touchdown. But also seen at novus ordo rites saying the Our Father.

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  13. Bob no longer works for the book burning company. Bob now works for the faith group World on Fire which has a joint communion with Anti-fa and Black Lives Matter.

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  14. But ... But ... But ...

    What if I should wish to encase myself in cement against the virus, rather than use a space suit ?

    Will I be torn down and drowned in the river, instead of being respected for my social distancing ?

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    Replies
    1. You should be fine. Does the Holy Father not constantly express a preference for concrete situations over artificial theological ideals?

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    2. Not if you practice socialist distancing. Do that and you should be fine.

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