It's the Wedding of the Millennium

London, 1533.

Yes, it's the wedding of the millennium, as dashing Prince Harry weds his new lifelong partner Meg-Anne Boleyn (having tactfully said farewell to his previous lifelong partner, Queen Katherine)!

Meg-anne previous acted in the Entertainment Doublet and Hose.

One religious difficulty will have to be overcome before the happy couple can be wed, namely that Harry (and indeed Anne) will have to leave the Catholic Church and become Protestant. Harry sees no problem with this, and has even offered to become the head of the new church.

The Vicar of Bray sends his congratulations, and angles for an invitation.

Further congratulations have come from the Lord High Chancellor, Sir Thomas More: "It is clear that Harry has really lost his head over this girl," he says, "and I am sure that Anne will be losing hers too! Indeed I may even end up losing mine! Well done all round!"

So far no reaction has come from Rome, but it must be remembered that the 16th century postal service is not very quick, and Pope Clement VII is always slow to respond to letters - indeed, some Dubia sent back from the New World in 1492 have still not been answered. Moreover, the Holy Father is currently lost somewhere in the Burmese Empire, desperately trying not to say the word "Rohingya", which is Burmese for "Can you direct me to the rest room?"

An awkward moment, when Prince William believes that Harry is marrying Anne Markle of Cleves.

The final word must go to Harry. "My family has always been keen on marriage, indeed most of hem have married several times. I don't think I shall have more than six lifelong partners, myself, though!"

Why Michael Coren is wrong

Dear Michael Coren,

As the publishers of your book Why Catholics are right, we have received with perplexity the news that you have left the Catholic Church (again), and have signed up for the Anglican Church of Canada.

This would seem like a golden opportunity to revise your brilliant book, and the first task is to find a new title. Do you prefer Why Catholics are wrong or Why Canadian Anglicans are right? We suspect that the first title will sell more copies, as nobody really cares what the Canadian Anglicans believe, if, in fact they believe anything at all.

We won't pulp our remaining stock, in case you change your mind again.

Getting down to details, now, we wonder what edits will be needed to update the book. Here are a few suggestions.

OLD: The Virgin Mary is really cool, don't you think? Respect for her is a sign that we respect all women.

NEW: Anne Boleyn is really cool, don't you think? Certainly worth founding a church for!

Our founder loved her so much that he cut her head off.

OLD: The Spanish Inquisition wasn't that bad, you know. The French Revolution was far worse.

NEW: The Canadian Anglican Inquisition wasn't that bad, you know. In fact they mainly went around cutting down trees.

Nobody expects the Canadian Anglican Inquisition!

OLD: Christ said that marriage should be between a man and a woman. And we Catholics think He was probably right.

NEW: If it's one things we Anglicans believe in, it's equal wedding cakes for all.

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Bake me a cake OR I'LL RUIN YOU.

There will doubtless be more substantial changes required, but I hope that these suggestions meet with your general approval.

Yours sincerely,

Fred Apostate,
Managing Director, Apostate and Heretic Books.

P.S. You are still one of our best-selling comic authors!