This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Why Michael Coren is wrong

Dear Michael Coren,

As the publishers of your book Why Catholics are right, we have received with perplexity the news that you have left the Catholic Church (again), and have signed up for the Anglican Church of Canada.

This would seem like a golden opportunity to revise your brilliant book, and the first task is to find a new title. Do you prefer Why Catholics are wrong or Why Canadian Anglicans are right? We suspect that the first title will sell more copies, as nobody really cares what the Canadian Anglicans believe, if, in fact they believe anything at all.

Catholics are right

We won't pulp our remaining stock, in case you change your mind again.

Getting down to details, now, we wonder what edits will be needed to update the book. Here are a few suggestions.

OLD: The Virgin Mary is really cool, don't you think? Respect for her is a sign that we respect all women.

NEW: Anne Boleyn is really cool, don't you think? Certainly worth founding a church for!

Anne Boleyn

Our founder loved her so much that he cut her head off.

OLD: The Spanish Inquisition wasn't that bad, you know. The French Revolution was far worse.

NEW: The Canadian Anglican Inquisition wasn't that bad, you know. In fact they mainly went around cutting down trees.

lumberjack song

Nobody expects the Canadian Anglican Inquisition!

OLD: Christ said that marriage should be between a man and a woman. And we Catholics think He was probably right.

NEW: If it's one things we Anglicans believe in, it's equal wedding cakes for all.

equal cake

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Bake me a cake OR I'LL RUIN YOU.

There will doubtless be more substantial changes required, but I hope that these suggestions meet with your general approval.

Yours sincerely,

Fred Apostate,
Managing Director, Apostate and Heretic Books.

Alan Coren book

P.S. You are still one of our best-selling comic authors!


  1. As an ex-Anglican Catholic seminarian who went one evening from the Beda College in Rome - together with some fellow seminarians as witnesses - to be received back as a member of the CofE in a short ceremony in an Anglican church near the Spanish Steps; then famously ruined the news of the Ordinariate by writing a stupid article for the Tablet; joined an Anglican monastery and then denounced them for heresy; and later, just a few months later, realised the error of his ways and asked to be sent back to Rome; and was mortified to be told by Archbishop Smith that nobody in Southwark could take me seriously any more; I would like to recommend the solution of becoming a Catholic Rabit.

    I think the immense and often theatrical prombles of Anglican - Catholic conversion are sometimes under-estimated by most spiritual guides, and this article brings out the contradictions quite well. Maybe Mr Coren might consider becoming a rabit as well.

    1. Archbishop Smith is a well known expert in who can be taken seriously as we know.

  2. I do hope Michael is no relation of Alan (your last picture). Because Alan WAS one of the funniest writers of any day.

  3. No matter: in the ecumenical church we don't need the church to get to heaven anyway. All ways are good and lead to truth. We are all saved, thankfully..."in some way"....or other.

  4. I said that I had lost the faith,,not my self respect. What kind of liberation would it be to forsake an absurdity which is logical and coherent to take up an absurdity that is illogical and incoherent - James Joyce as Stephen in 'Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man ' when asked by his friend whether he was becoming a Protestant.