Lockdown Diary, Day 7313

March 31st 2040.

Well, here we are after 20 years of lockdown caused by the Coronavirus, which keeps mutating every so often into something even nastier. The present incarnation is called COVID-39.

The latest form of the Coronavirus.

We are still allowed out to go shopping, and for exercise, but the churches have now been closed for 20 years. It is hard to remember what it was like in the old days, when we went along to St Daryl the Apostate and received Communion on the tongue (to the great annoyance of one or two pearl-clutchers who didn't actually believe in the Real Presence), or, if we wanted, did the Sign of Peace and sang hymns such as Cumberland ("Someone's eating sausages, Lord, Cum-ber-land..."). I may have got the words wrong after all this time.

Nowadays the churches remain closed, and all Masses are live-streamed. Pope Francis II (alias "Chito" Tagle) takes a very relaxed view of these, and priests no longer have to wear vestments. Many of them stay at home and stream the Masses from their bedrooms, without even bothering to choose the liturgically-correct colour for their pyjamas.

Father Brown dresses down for his livestream Mass.

Of course "Chito" takes seriously some aspects of worship, especially liturgical dancing (getting down wiv da yoof, as the 82-year-old teenager puts it) and the faithful are encouraged to skip around their houses during Mass. "Chito" claims to have arthritis and sciatica, so that kneeling is out of the question, but he can still dance the Funky Cardinal.

Late news: a new strain, the Coren virus, is infecting our brothers in the Anglican Church (having flipped between the Anglican Church, the Catholic Church, the Seventh-Day-Adventists, the Baptists, and the Pachamama Church several times during the last 20 years). It is particularly unpleasant.

The Coren virus.

Even later news: Eccles is still waiting for an answer to his "Dubia" - why was he excommunicated from Twitter?

Giving up the Pope for Lent

1. There was a young man called Eccles, who was known for his rigid humility and mercy: so much so that everyone said that he must be saved.

2. This Eccles wrote a lovely blog, which provided spiritual nourishment to all who read it.

N.B. The above verses do not appear in all versions of the Bible.

3. Now, the time of Lent was fast approaching, in which men were encouraged to give up wordly things, and to engage in spiritual deeds.

Into the wilderness for Lent.

4. "But what can I give up?" asked Eccles. "Shall it be chocolate? Or the strong drink that rageth? Or shall I stop sitting in my shed of an evening poking fun at Fr James Martin SJ?"

5. And there came a wise woman to Eccles who said to him, "Why not give up the Pope for Lent?"

6. This would indeed be a great sacrifice. For leading a life that ignored all the deeds of Pope Francis would cause all sorts of deprivation.

No longer shall we read of the Pope's attending Anglican services and genuflecting to Henry VIII.

7. "Where shall I be without a regular 'INSULT FOR THE DAY' arriving in my mailbox?" wondered Eccles.

8. "Can I possibly survive without knowing which Catholic doctrines have been made ambiguous, or without hearing the latest off-the-cuff pronouncements when the Holy Father rideth in his chariot of the air, that which is known as Pope Force 1?"

9. "Will it not grieve me to know not the latest indignities that have been heaped upon Cardinal Burke, who is fast becoming a rival to Job as a man of suffering?"

10. "It is true that I shall not miss the answers to the five dubia, for Pope Francis hath constructed a giant thinking machine called Deep Thought which will not report on this matter for another seven and a half million years."

The priests await Deep Thought's answers to the dubia.

11. "In my Eccsit from papal news, I shall also be obliged to spend forty days and forty nights without hearing aught of Fr Antonio Spadaro, of Austen Ivereigh, of Cardinals Kasper, Marx, Cupich, Coccopalmiero and the rest. Will I be able to bear it?"

12. "It is true that I cannot totally forget Pope Francis - for he hath asked us all to pray for the people that hate us. Thus everyone who attendeth Mass is encouraged to pray for the Pope - for nobody's hatred for us is like unto his!"

13 "Still, he is not commonly mentioned elsewhere in the Mass, except perchance in the homilies of Fr Arthur, in which there is a great scowling and rolling of eyes whenever the catchphrase Amoris Laetitia is uttered."

14. Thus Eccles weighed up the matter in his heart, and decided that passing Lent in a Pope-free manner would be good for his soul and his blood pressure.

15. He would also have more time for spiritually nourishing reading, such as the words of Michael Coren, he who later decided to eat them.

Still, there are other possibilities.

16. And so it came to pass that the Pope cried in the wilderness and Eccles heard him not.

Henry Tudor stripped of papal knighthood

The news from 1533.

Henry Tudor, the king and former Catholic apologist, has been stripped of his papal knighthood following his reception into the Anglican church. Tudor, whose book Why Catholics are right brought him into favour with Pope Leo X a dozen years ago, also won the coveted Fidei Defensor award, which he is so far refusing to return.

Henry Tudor celebrating "pride".

Tudor's main disagreement with the Catholic Church seems to be over its moral teachings, which, if he had been paying attention, he might have known about from the start. He has recently published a book celebrating his apostasy, with the title Epiphany. It is thought that he chose the title because Epiphany is naturally associated with gold, frankincense and myrrh, and Tudor is expecting to receive large quantities of loot from the sales of his book.

Judas Iscariot, also stripped of a papal knighthood.

It is thought that the first person to be stripped of a papal knighthood was Mr Judas Iscariot, who spectacularly fell out with Pope Peter. Although he had the grace to return his 30 pieces of silver, he maintained until the end that he was entitled to use the "Apostle" title, if not the label "Saint". Moreover, his book Why Christ is right (popularly known as the Gospel of Judas) was highly-regarded at one time, although these days people prefer to read Michael Coren's works.

Muslims offended by Fireman Sam

Following the bizarre incident in which the Fireman Sam programme was found guilty of Islamophobic "hate crime" after one character trod on a page from the Koran, other characters from children's programmes have got themselves into trouble.

"Sorry, I thought it was just an Arabic translation of Amoris Laetitia."

First up is Thomas the Tank Engine, where the introduction of a locomotive called Mohammed the Muslim Engine has been seen as a direct insult to the Prophet, especially as this engine is used to transport "unclean" meat, including sausages and bacon. However, the producers of the show had in fact made a special effort to appease Islamic fundamentalists, as the picture below shows.

Fatima the Express Train was made to wear a burka.

The Teletubbies, Messrs Tinky-Winky (possibly homosexual), Dipsy (clearly a heavy drinker), Laa-Laa (named after the atheist icon, Lalla Ward?) and Po (probably a coded reference to "Mo") are also in receipt of a fatwah, for embodying virtually all the vices known to Muslims.

Symbols of western decadence.

Finally, one more children's programme that has been deemed to cause offence to Muslims is the Canadian TV show The Holy and Blessed Coren, in which the hero, Michael Coren, tries out a new religion every week. Oh dear.

"Read my book Why Muslims are Right!"

Michael Coren writes another book

The great Michael Coren has written the publishing sensation of 2016, and it will certainly put into the shade other best-sellers such as Pope Francis's Amoris Laetitia and Gianfranco Ravasi's So farewell then, David Bowie, Prince, and Choppers the Chimp.

Yes, the much-loved author of Why Catholics are Right, its sequel, Why Catholics are Wrong, and a further sequel, Why Catholics are Right after all, has dashed off a new book that will be published this month.

Why Christ was wrong and I am right.

At first, I thought that Epiphany was a new take on the Bible story. Three wise men from the East, Kasper, Müller and Baldisseri, make a journey to the humble stable in Essex in which the infant Coren is lying, and bring him gifts of cash, deodorant, and baby-powder.

If that is the case, we should look forward to Coren's Good Friday, where he suffers in agony - his evening talk show The Arena with Michael Coren being cancelled - and of course the impressive autobiography Easter, where Coren rises again (and probably becomes a Catholic once more). However, I may have got the wrong end of the stick here.

The three wise men on the A12, seeking the birthplace of Michael Coren.

Coren's had a good week. When Michael Voris humbled himself, and gave an account of how God had helped him to "go straight", he was instinctively showered with good wishes by orthodox Catholics (apparently Mercy is well-regarded these days). Meanwhile, the other Michael was clearly revelling in his discomfort. No doubt Christ would have said the same "You've repented of your sins, have you? You cheeky fellow!"

Well I haven't read Epiphany yet, nor do I expect to, but it's interesting to see that the most-hyped praise that it has received comes from Stephen Fry, that well-known sympathiser with Christian teaching.

Looking ahead...

The scene at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter: Ah, Mike. I see that in your lifetime you joined the Catholic Church six times and left it six times, you wrote 50 books, and you received the last rites from the Seventh-day Jehovah's tree-worshippers. It's not really enough to let you in, I'm afraid.

Coren: But Stephen Fry says I am saved!

St Peter: Who???

We Christians are all guilty

We invited some distinguished guest columnists to explain how the terrorist murders in Paris should be laid directly at the door of Christians.

Juliet Carpet-Chewer of the once great Telegraph.

Surprising as it may seem, I can reveal that the Islamic terrorists who killed so many people in Paris were in fact Muslims. It's very confusing to have two different names for the same thing, but half an hour's research with Wikipedia put me straight on that! What's more, their "holy book" is called the Koran, but also called the Qur'an - it took me several days to work out that these were the same thing, really. Sheesh!

But then I came across a book called "Why Catholics are right" by Michael Coren (alias, Koran or Qu'ran), and I realized that in fact "Muslim" is just another word for "Christian". And, when you look at the two religions, they're identical. The Coren tells me that "Mohammed" is just the Arab word for "Christ", and - as we know from the New Testament - Christ told his followers to go out into the world and spread violence, hatred and terror.

A Catholic mosque.

I'll bet that if you asked Ayatollah Francis in Rome, he'd say that the two religions basically preach the same things. Look, I'm a reasonable woman, and I understand that there is a small minority of Christians who do not go out committing acts of terrorism on a daily basis. However, in the interests of security, we need to round up all Christians and shoot them. Don't you agree?

Brilliant article, Julia! I'm so glad we got rid of Damian Thompson. Love, Chris Evans (Telegraph Editor).

Comedy gold - Colbert and Rosica!

Fr Thomas Rosica writes: "The cry "Allahu akbar” was never a call to violence and destruction - it's what Muslims scream when they call people to prayer. Just as I scream "You're blocked!" or "Where's my lawyer?" when people attempt to dialogue with me. Once you realise that the armed gunmen in the Bataclan Theatre were simply trying to persuade people to pray, you understand what deeply religious people they were. We Basilians recognise holiness when we see it.

Of course, the gunmen were misunderstood, and things may have got slightly out of hand. Which of us has not had to face such a problem? It's important that Christians understand that we are all to blame. We need to dialogue more, walk with people, and show them mercy. Unless they're traditional Catholics. The Jihadi Jesuits, as usual, are leading the way.

"Adopt a Syrian - or at least a camel" says Anglican bishop.

David Walker, Bishop of Manchester, explains: "There's only one answer to all this. It's important that we move the entire population of Syria to England, and welcome them into our homes. Refugees, migrants, terrorists, all are worthy of our love."

"Unfortunately I am unable to take a Syrian family - even a Christian one - into my humble six-bedroom 'pad' . They wouldn't feel at home, and I fear that the constant prayer, hymn-singing and other religious devotions would cause annoyance - although I suppose I might get used to this. However, in the interests of peace, I have agreed to take a camel to live at Bishopscourt, and I urge you all to do likewise."

The New Church of Nasty

Religious commentators became very puzzled this week, when the Church of Nice decided that, after all, it would be more honest to rebrand itself as the New Church of Nasty. This caused untold confusion, as there is already an Old Church of Nasty.

Nasty...

The original Church of Nasty takes the view that keeping God's commandments is quite a neat idea. So no adultery, homosexual activity, abortion, euthanasia, theft, false witness, etc. Loving one's neighbour doesn't include supporting him when he runs amok with a chainsaw - for although Jesus never explicitly condemned sawing your neighbour in half, we Old Nastians believe that somehow this prohibition is implicit in His teachings, based on the old Jewish law. So since for many people the greatest virtue is Tolerance, this has naturally made traditionally-minded Nastians unpopular in some circles.

... or Nice?

The big change this week came when Kim Davis of Kentucky was sent to prison by Judge David Bunning because she refused to issue same-sex "marriage" licences. Apparently, she was said to have committed contempt of court; as a result David Bunning himself is now regarded with contempt by many decent people - the words "arrogant bullying toad" spring to mind here. We heard a rumour that he himself was a Catholic - if so, then presumably one of the "Church of Nice" types.

The vultures gathered round the corpse of liberty. For example, Michael Coren, the comedy apostate, who left the Catholic Church in order to spend more time with his ego, was full of glee at the news that a committed Christian woman had been sent to prison for her beliefs - rather than, say, being assigned to other duties and being awarded compensation for the inconvenience. As for Hillary Clinton - well, the less said about her the better, under all circumstances.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama takes a picture of the person he loves most.

Of course this is not the first time that the Church of Nice has shown its teeth. Peaceful demonstrators outside abortion clinics are routinely spat on and otherwise intimidated by those of a more "liberal" point of view. People are sued when they refuse to bake cakes bearing absurd political slogans. So now that the inevitable has happened, and the "Nice" people have decided to stop all pretence of being kind, sweet, gentle people who keep kittens and love their neighbours, the renaming of their church as The New Church of Nasty was inevitable.

"Burn her for her Christian principles!" © Church of Nice New Church of Nasty

No doubt Pope Francis will ecumenically get Kim Davis released when he visits the USA.

Arundel and Brighton's Festival 50

This weekend the pope's visit to Ecuador, Bolivia and Paraguay has been overshadowed by a much more significant event - the 50th Birthday Celebrations of the Arundel and Brighton Diocese. Here are some of the events you may have missed by going to Ecuador instead.

Bishop Moth requested that we NOT sing "If I were a butterfly..."

Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor gave a keynote address on "How Team Bergoglio chose the new pope", explaining that if it hadn't been for his efforts we'd have been landed with Cardinal Dolan demonstrating papal inanity.

(Anglican) Archbishop Rowan Williams spoke on "Anglicans, Catholics and Druids - they're all the same really," before saying - in an apparent reference to austerity measures - "We must all make sacrifices!"

Off to Stonehenge!

Fr Timothy Radcliffe OP explained his highly original views on "Gay sex - it's God's gift, it's Catholic, and it's eucharistic!"

We also enjoyed a performance of Paul Inwood's "gathering chant" "Prepare the way of the Lord, Moo-oo-oo, Moo-oo-oo".

Of course there were many other speakers, whose names did not appear on the official programme:

Michael Coren gave a fascinating lecture on "Why Catholics are right", before bursting into tears and saying "Actually, this week I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

Michael Coren, also known as Judge Anthony Kennedy, a great fan of "gay marriage".

Damian Thompson of the Spectator spoke on "Attending Mass - an old Catholic tradition revived". He explained that - contrary to popular belief - attending mass was not forbidden by Vatican II, and that many traddies were trying to revive the custom.

Bishop Emeritus Kieran Conry gave an address on "If you're chaste, expect to be caught!" and showed us his very interesting holiday snaps.

Entertainment from the ACTA youth group.

Basil Loftus gave a speech entitled "Proud to be a heretic", in which he said that future generations would forget Gnosticism, Arianism, Pelagianism, and Nestorianism, and instead speak in hushed tones of Loftusism, which contained a far richer collection of wacky ideas.

Finally, Professor Tina Beattie gave a surprising talk, in which she swore total fidelity to the Catholic Magisterium and labelled anyone who tried to change Catholic teaching "a heretic of the worst kind". She was later taken to hospital complaining of sunstroke.

Have you sold your soul to the Devil?

Let me make one thing clear before we start: do not try this at home. Selling your soul to the Devil is a very bad idea, and is likely to lead to great inconvenience later on. Assuming that none of my readers has tried this, can we identify any people who have?

I can't imagine what that photo is doing here.

Clue 1: People who sell their souls to the Devil will normally have got a good price. They will almost certainly be rich and famous. So, although we may think that Tina Beattie is beyond the pale, nobody is going to sell their immortal soul just to become a professor at Roehampton, so I think it's safe to assume that she is beyond the pale for other reasons.

The same goes for Michael Coren, who - we might think - has been renting his soul out on and off, on a time-share basis. But all that just to get a few newspaper columns and a TV show? I think not. Likewise, Fr Timothy Radcliffe hasn't managed to cut a deal - for who wants to sell their soul just to become the Vatican consultant on paperclips? Why, he hasn't even made it as far as bishop.

"Sorry, I'm hanging on for a better offer."

Clue 2: People who sell their souls to the Devil will normally lead very evil lives. So someone in a position of great power, such as the Pope, Queen of the United Kingdom, or publisher of Spectator Health, Money and Life, will not be assumed to have made a diabolical deal unless they start acting in an evil manner. Despite what some bloggers say, the Pope is not that bad, although he seems to have good days and bad days.

Richard Dawkins, then? He's got a fairly good deal from life, becoming an expert on zoology, genetics, philosophy, theology, poetry, honey, etc. And all that without significant quantities of common sense. But a man who spends his declining years in howling at the Universe via Twitter is surely not getting a very good bargain, even if he does have a pretty wife from Gallifrey.

Clue 3: People who sell their souls are supposed to have all the women (or men, or whatever) that they want. So we can rule out Tony Blair after all, for, despite being rich, famous, powerful, evil, etc., he is saddled with Cherie. (That wasn't very gallant, Eccles.)

Phew! Proof that Tony Blair didn't sell his soul, after all.

Maybe, then, nobody has sold his soul to the Devil recently. Not Richard Branson, not Cardinal Nichols, not Russell Brand, not Enda Kenny. Well, maybe Enda Kenny. We'll see whether he wins that referendum...

Hopes fade for Michael Coren

Doctors monitoring the state of Michael Coren, the Catholic Evangelical Catholic Anglican Druid writer have expressed themselves as pessimistic about the possibility that he can be saved. Since swimming the Tiber for the fourth time (and becoming eligible for a Frequent Swimmer Gold Card), Mike has shown a distinct inability to laugh at his predicament, and - unlike the rest of us - is taking himself far too seriously.

Cheer up, Mike!

We have made attempts to bring a smile to the face of Mr Coren (after all, he is supposed to be keen on "gay" issues). These include tickling him with a feather during his latest television interview, putting a whoopee cushion on his seat when he attended (Anglican) church, and reading out in a silly voice some passages from Why Catholics are Right. All to no avail, he's still Mike Misery-Guts.

Kasper has just stuck a "Kick me" sign to the back of Fr Rosica.

Contrast this with the demeanour of his Eminence, Cardinal Kasper, who has a somewhat perpetual grin. Wally Kasper's views are not very different from Mike Coren's, but he has managed to avoid donning the old life-jacket and plunging into the Tiber. Of course, some regard the Kasper grin as a sign of mania, but it's better than scowling all the time.

"So then his Holiness saw the sign and gave him a kick!"

Another smiler who makes the good folk at the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith throw up their hands in disgust is Fr Timothy Radagast the White, who has been packed off to Rome as consultor to the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace. We were hoping that this was a non-job, designed to keep him out of trouble, but unfortunately Timmy Radish - who, like his namesake keeps coming back leaving a nasty taste - will probably consider that drivelling on about homosexual rights is the main purpose of Catholicism.

"That's funny, I reject Catholic teaching as well."

So, Mike, why not come back again to the Catholic Church - it will get you a mention in the Guinness Book of Records, and as a Frequent Swimmer you'll get complimentary champagne and fatted calf! After all, your ludicrous anti-Christian views are already shared by some very senior types in Rome! Think about it, OK?

Cardinal Nichols shocks the world

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, the so-called "Pope's fruitcake", shocked the world today by celebrating a totally orthodox and traditional Mass. Said one eye-witness, "I came to Westminster Cathedral expecting to attend one of his famous 'gay' masses, but he used the traditional Latin liturgy, and even seemed to understand what most of it meant."

Vincent Nichols rejected the traditional "Farm Street" vestments.

Apparently, as a concession to the cardinal's Liverpudlian roots, the communion anthem was Anfield's Numquam ambulabis solus*, but otherwise there were no innovations. Said our eye-witness "I was expecting to hear a reading from the epistle of Tina Beattie to the lost people of Roehampton, or perhaps Michael Coren's Catholics, dontchahatem? or even selections from the Timothy Radcliffe Bumper Book of Heresy, but in fact we had nothing but orthodox Catholic doctrine throughout."

*Use Google translate or ask Fr Hunwicke, if you don't understand this.

Cruel words about Michael Coren.

Things became even more shocking at the communion stage, when a homosexual couple was told that they could not take communion. "We had just said the bit about 'Domine, non sum dignus', when the cardinal interrupted with, 'That means you, buster. Clear off!'"

Vincent Nichols concluded the Mass by processing down the aisle to the bookstall, where there were huge piles of unsold copies of the Tablet. "By the powers granted to me as a Prince of the Church, I banish thee to the Pit from whence thou came!" he cried, and sure enough a mighty wind blew up and swept all the copies of the wretched publication back to the depths of Hammersmith. "Result!" shouted the Cardinal, this being the traditional way of concluding the Rite of Exorcism.

Cardinal Burke congratulates Cardinal Nichols on his performance.

Said Deacon Nick Donnelly, a prominent retired blogger: "This is dynamite! Thank goodness that Bishop Arnold and Bishop Campbell caused my blog to be voluntarily shoved down my throat! I wouldn't have known what to say!"

Late news: Vincent Nichols is said to be feeling unwell.

Why Michael Coren is wrong

Dear Michael Coren,

As the publishers of your book Why Catholics are right, we have received with perplexity the news that you have left the Catholic Church (again), and have signed up for the Anglican Church of Canada.

This would seem like a golden opportunity to revise your brilliant book, and the first task is to find a new title. Do you prefer Why Catholics are wrong or Why Canadian Anglicans are right? We suspect that the first title will sell more copies, as nobody really cares what the Canadian Anglicans believe, if, in fact they believe anything at all.

We won't pulp our remaining stock, in case you change your mind again.

Getting down to details, now, we wonder what edits will be needed to update the book. Here are a few suggestions.

OLD: The Virgin Mary is really cool, don't you think? Respect for her is a sign that we respect all women.

NEW: Anne Boleyn is really cool, don't you think? Certainly worth founding a church for!

Our founder loved her so much that he cut her head off.

OLD: The Spanish Inquisition wasn't that bad, you know. The French Revolution was far worse.

NEW: The Canadian Anglican Inquisition wasn't that bad, you know. In fact they mainly went around cutting down trees.

Nobody expects the Canadian Anglican Inquisition!

OLD: Christ said that marriage should be between a man and a woman. And we Catholics think He was probably right.

NEW: If it's one things we Anglicans believe in, it's equal wedding cakes for all.

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Bake me a cake OR I'LL RUIN YOU.

There will doubtless be more substantial changes required, but I hope that these suggestions meet with your general approval.

Yours sincerely,

Fred Apostate,
Managing Director, Apostate and Heretic Books.

P.S. You are still one of our best-selling comic authors!