Cowboys and Indians in the Catholic Church

Usually in games of cowboys and Indians we take the side of the cowboys, but today we're changing sides and supporting the Indians. Archbishop Charles Chaput, whose Potawatomi name is "the wind that rustles the leaves of the tree" has dealt a mortal blow to Austen, the Lone Whinger, and his sidekick Massimo.

The wind that rustles the poison ivereigh.

In a brilliant showdown the big chief has rushed to the defence of the fair maid Ewtn, daughter of Mother Angelica, who was under siege from a gang of misguided cowboys. Ewtn's supporters fought back with bows and arroyos, but a massacre looked likely, especially when Wild Joe Bergoglio and Jessie James Martin waded into the battle, guns blazing.

The Lone Whinger is said to be very upset - as well he should be - since Big Chief Chaput endorsed his first book Wild Joe Bergoglio, the fastest gun in the West while also describing it as "grandiosely titled and with a light seasoning of snark". (Austen was having an off day and ran out of snark.) Apparently, it's his best book, as well.

The Lone Whinger's supporters rush to his defence.

Whereas Austen is a courtier of Wild Joe Bergoglio, his sidekick Massimo is enamoured of Buffalo Biden, the "holy man", hilariously saying "the parallel between Biden and 'Doc' Roncalli certainly offers hope from a historical point of view". Chaput is having none of this, and talks contemptuosuly of Biden's "slash and burn" massacres.

Finally, other members of the "Magniloquent Seven", such as the gringos, Spadaro and Figueroa, are also in line for a scalping. This time the Indians are the good guys, so go Chaput!

Pope Francis makes a cardinal error

The Catholic Church was reeling in shock and dismay today, as it was announced that Pope Francis had decided to appoint Archbishop Blase Cupich - a man so liberal that he makes Vincent Nichols look like a reincarnation of Pope Pius V - as a cardinal.

"Sorry, folks, I seem to have made a boo-boo there," laughed the Holy Father. "My friend Thomas Rosica played a little joke on me, by crossing off the name of Archbishop Chaput from the list I had originally prepared and writing in 'Cupich'. Since I didn't have my glasses on, I never even noticed! The names were so much alike!"

"Cupich? I asked for Chaput!"

Cupich, of course, is known for his very weak pro-life credentials - it is said that Hillary Clinton wanted him as her vice-president - and indeed he discouraged his priests from participating in demonstrations against Planned Parenthood (now renamed "Baby Parts 'R' us"), or from supporting 40 Days for Life.

Some of the Holy Father's other appointments are equally bizarre, notably Archbishop Farrell, who was awarded his red hat for extreme sycophancy.

Kevin Farrell - the only man who is not confused by Pope Francis.

Still, it is said that Caligula made his horse Incitatus a consul, David Cameron scrounged an O.B.E. for Isabel Spearman, his wife's hair stylist, and Harold Wilson obtained a peerage for his secretary Marcia Williams, so there are definitely precedents for this unusual appointment. The pope's dentist will have to wait until next time.

The list of new cardinals contains several who are from the third world, including the splendidly-named Dieudonné Nzapalainga of Bangui, Central African Republic. It is believed he was included in the hope that his arrival would cause Cardinal Kasper to have an apoplectic fit. However, this has not yet happened.

Dieudonné Nzapalainga - looking forward to a punch-up with Walter Kasper.