Olé smoke!

Several priests have written to me, saying, "Eccles, how can I make a spectacle of myself in church, like José Planas Moreno, the flamenco-dancing priest, and thus bring the congregations flocking back to Mass? So far I have made the mistake of emphasising controversial notions such as God and Jesus, and it simply isn't getting the punters in."

The Credo, a key part of the Mass.

Well, Father F (or Z, or R, or whoever you are), there are various ways in which priests can focus the attention of the congregation onto themselves, and away from the Almighty (who, after all, gets quite a lot of attention already). For example, in 1937, Harold Davidson, the former Rector of Stiffkey, displayed himself in a cage with a lion called Freddie, which eventually killed him. So, dear Father P (or B), we don't recommend this strategy. Similarly, liturgical bullfighting, even in the Malaga area, is still at an experimental stage, and is not yet a standard part of modern worship.

Warning: lions are like bishops - they bite!

No, the future definitely lies in dancing. It started with liturgical can-cans, and continued with Kate Bottley, the dancing vicar, now hotly tipped to be the first female bishop in the church of England. Dancing has now been taken up by those Catholic priests who find the general idea of worshipping God a little too dull.

Sursum Genua (Let's have a knees-up!)

Let's conclude with another picture of the man they call Fr Pepe: note the quiet dignity which which he explains the hermeneutic of continuity in the context of Pope Benedict's 2005 speech to the Roman Curia, firmly rejecting the hermeneutic of discontinuity and rupture that has upset so many orthodox Catholics.

Take your partners for the Agnus Dei!

We are not sure who the lady in yellow biting her nails is: probably just an altar server modelling the latest in hot-weather vestments.

The Boat of Fools visits the Nave

Embarking upon atheism.

Our "Mystery Worshipper" was present in the Nave, Canonbury, for the inaugural Atheist Service organized by two obscure stand-up comedians (what else?), Sanderson Jones and Pippa Evans.

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What was the name of the service? The Mass Delusion.

How full was the building? Very full. Most of the people attending were journalists, anxious to see what it was all about. There were half-a-dozen "mystery worshippers," attired like me in masks, and a contingent from the Tablet, who seemed to be joining in the service with suspicious enthusiasm.

Did anyone welcome you personally? Well, not personally, but there was an old grumpy-looking man, who kept muttering "NON CREDO!" at all who entered.

NON CREDO!

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere? Lots of idle chatter, and not much reverence. Excited muttering as celebrities entered: "Isn't that Giles Whatsit who does the Thought for the Day?" "There's Ma Popehater!" "A Rolls Royce is drawing up - Polly Toynbee must be gracing us with her presence!"

What were the exact opening words of the service? In the name of Dawkins: Biologist, Theologian and Selfish Gene. Amen.

What books etc. did the congregation use during the service? This was a bone of contention, as some wanted to use the Latin Atheist Liturgy of 1962, whereas others had the new English translation of 2011. In the end, the traddies read from the former, the modernists from the latter, and a third group just shouted out deep theological killer arguments such as "sky fairy," "men in dresses" and "bronze-age goatherds."

Did anything distract you? Yes, they had a guest performance from the Liverpool liturgical lapdancers, at the point in the service where we venerated the relics of Richard Dawkins (an old pair of his socks). However, I think atheism is too dignified a faith to be spoiled by a lot of under-dressed girls showing their... well, never mind.

What Liverpool Cathedral thought they would get when they asked for Lapp dancers.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about? The vicar (Fr Sanderson Jones) lived up to his reputation as a stand-up comedian. First, he told us that a funny thing had happened to him on his way to the church... Then again, he asked us, how could one tell that an elephant had been in one's fridge? Finally, he explained that when the Pope was a kid, he used to pray every night for a new bike. But the Lord doesn't work that way. So he just stole one and asked Him to forgive him. And in a very real sense, are we not all looking for a new bicycle?

Which part of the service was like being in heaven? The bit where Stephen Fry tripped over his ego, and sprained his ankle. How we laughed.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place? Other place? Oh, you mean Roehampton? The bit when Tina Beattie got up and gave us The Lecture The Pope Tried To Ban.

What happened at the end of the service? We all joined in a chorus of "Amazing Disgrace," with its classic line: "I once was found, but now I'm lost."

Grace in a maze (how sweet the sound) - not wanted here!

How would you describe the after-service coffee? Definitely not made by Mystic Monks or even Numinous Nuns. I wanted to have faith in the coffee, but they told me there were no grounds for it. The tea came from Scotland, and it was based on a complete Lockerbie leaf, ho ho.

No grounds for belief.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian? You bet.

Shaking up the Latin Mass

The Credo, with a few embellishments suggested by this new guide to worship.

Fr Brian Peter George St John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno in prayer

Fr Brian: Well, we're now at the stage in our exciting new ecumenical Latin Mass where we say the Creed, which is a list of things that some of us may believe in. Don't feel left out if you don't - even I wouldn't go along with all of it! Now before we get started, would anyone like to do a liturgical dance? Yes, Salome, dear? Well, all right, but only take off six veils this week, please.

A bit of light relief before the Creed

Congregation: Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipotentem, factorem caeli et terrae, visibilium omnium et invisibilium. Et in unum Dominum Jesum Christum Filium Dei unigenitum. Et ex Patre natum ante omnia saecula.

Fr B: Phew! Time for a break, eh, folks? By the way, if anyone thinks that they are particularly loved by God, they shouldn't hesitate to wave their hands in the air while reciting the creed, just so that we can see who they are!

"Jim, what's wrong with the couple next to us? They're not lifting their hands."

C: Deum de Deo, lumen de lumine, Deum verum de Deo vero. Genitum, non factum, consubstantialem Patri: per quem omnia facta sunt. Qui propter nos homines, et propter nostram salutem decendit de caelis.

Fr B: Well, I think we've earned another break there. Sit down for a bit and tell your neighbours how Jesus came into your lives. This service is about YOU, remember, not just about God.

(Here the congregation may tell their neighbours about what happened at the grapefruit counter in Sainsbury's, or it may be the local garden centre, between the weedkiller and the fertilizer.)

Do you think that statue would look nice in our church?

C: Et incarnatus est de Spiritu sancto ex Maria Virgine: Et homo factus est. Crucifixus etiam pro nobis: sub Pontio Pilato passus, et sepultus est. Et resurrexit tertia die, secundum Scripturas. Et ascendit in caelum: sedet ad dexteram Patris.

Fr B: Now for a random happening. I've taken one of my oblique strategy cards from the pack, and it says "See how many Biblical characters you can think of whose names begin with S." Any offers? Yes... Saul, Samuel, Solomon, Sampson, Simon, Stephen, yes. Gets harder now, doesn't it? Seth, Salome, Sarah, Simeon, Shadrach, Silas, ... No, Nigel, I don't think Scottie, Sherlock and Spock were in the Bible. Look, it was St Peter who did the Vulcan Death Grip, Nigel, he did it on Ananias. On with the Creed, now, folks!

Probably not in the Bible.

C: Et iterum venturus est cum gloria, judicare vivos et mortuos: cujus regni non erit finis. Et in Spiritum sanctum, Dominum, et vivificantem: qui ex Patre Filioque procedit. Qui cum Patre et Filio simul adoratur, et conglorificatur: qui locutus est per Prophetas.

Fr B: Phew! That was a toughie. Shall we get the musicians to play us something spiritual on their guitars and recorders? How about the theme tune from Neighbours? As St Kylie de Minogue says in her memoirs: "Everybody needs good neighbours."

C: Et unam, sanctam, catholicam, et apostolicam Ecclesiam. Confiteor unum baptisma in remissionem peccatorum. Et expecto resurrectionem mortuorum. Et vitam venturi saeculi. Amen.

Fr B: Well done, everyone! Kids up to the front now, you know what's coming soon...

The priest is not strictly necessary at this stage in the service