1. Richard Dawkins was now in the seventy-fourth year of his age, and the time came for the Lord to convey a great blessing on him.
2. For an angel descended unto him and spake, saying, "Richard, it pleaseth the Lord that thou shalt be granted infinite knowledge; but beware, for wisdom followeth not upon great knowledge."
The angel greeteth Richard Dawkins.
3. And Richard said to himself, "The angel speaks the truth. For without having undertaken any study I am become an expert in theology, yeah, and literature, yeah, and psychiatry, yeah, and moral philosophy."
4. For he was invited to speak at famous literary festivals, such as those at Hay-on-Wye, and Holt in the land of the Norfolkites, at which he was lionized as a literary expert.
5. This was indeed remarkable, as Richard had written no literature other than the comic tale of the God Delusion, which tells the tale of a man who always getteth the wrong end of the stick.
6. Still, he spake as an equal with the learned doctors, such as Melvyn, he that was known as Lord Wigg of Bragton, or possibly Lord Bragg of Wigton, a man who had read every book in the library of the Britons, which is at St Pancras.
In order to make a point, Richard seeketh for a needle at the Hay festival.
7. Next, it came to pass that Richard tweeted unto the world, saying: "I don't hate Catholics, I don't hate Protestants, I hate the hereditary mental illness called religion..."
8. And the doctors of the mind were sore amazed, for they said, "It is true, we knew not of the mental illness of Jesus, and St Augustine, and Thomas Aquinas, and Thomas More, and Joseph Priestley, and Louis Pasteur, and Gregor Mendel, and James Clerk Maxwell, and..."
9. "Surely, this man Dawkins hath revolutionised the science of psychiatry?"
I'm a little disappointed that you should accuse me of mental illness, Professor Dawkins.
10. And finally Richard decided to put forward a new moral philosophy, known as Dawkins' Theory of Relativism, which shows how the human mind becomes more narrow as the rate of its utterances approaches the speed of light.
11. For he tweeted unto his many followers the doctrine that there were mild forms of rape, and mild forms of paedophilia.
12. However, were a man to come unto him, saying "Father Dawkins, I have mildly ravaged someone. Wilt thou endorse my actions?" Richard still undertook to reply "Nay."
13. For such were the rules of logic.
We come in peace. Shoot to kill... mildly.
14. And many who had looked kindly upon Richard, such as Shami of the Chakrabartites, said "Lo! Richard has gone too far. He may be a man of great knowledge, but he is not as wise as a serpent, rather he is as foolish as the virgins who took not oil for their lamps."
15. Or to put it more bluntly: "Put a sock in it, thou fool!"
16. For it is written that a prophet is without honour on Twitter.
The book of St Richard started here.
Now, can you see the next health hazard?
I was sitting next to the aisle. In front of me, a man coughing and sneezing into his hands, practically non-stop. Behind me, a woman, less of an invalid, but also sneezing into her hands once in a while. Ahead of me... the dreaded Kiss of Peace!
"Sorry, Eccles, I should have sat next to you."
Clearly, when the deacon (for it was he) uttered the fateful words about offering each other a sign of peace, I was not going to be able to avoid clasping the germ-sodden hands of Mr Sneezy and Mrs Spluttery. The words of a famous 1960s hymn came to mind:
Coughs and sneezes spread diseases: Trap the germs in your handkerchief.It is memorably sung to the tune of Deutschland Über Alles (Haydn's Emperor's Hymn) by Tony Hancock in the Blood Donor sketch. I heard that Kevin Mayhew was planning to include it in his next hymnbook, set to a newer and more trivial tune.
"Coughs and sneezes spread diseases."
Let's formulate this as a chess problem: Eccles to move.
My inspiration - a chess knight!
Yes, I surreptitiously edged two places to the left, behind the military man in the eye-patch, and in front of the middle-aged woman who insisted on singing loudly, even though it was widely reported that she could not carry a tune in a bucket. During the offertory, I had to get up anyway, to pass the collection plate to the man on my left, who vaguely resembled a film star. So when I sat down again, I was a knight's move away from the sneezing duo. The current rules of etiquette mean that shaking hands is not compulsory at that distance, although a "leer of peace" is expected. Saved!
"Peace be with you! But come any closer and I'll shoot you with my phaser."
I'll stop there - I think I've got a cold coming on.
FACT: Dawkins shares his birthday with Fred Karno, inventor of the custard-pie gag.
Richard, I was a devout Catholic until the age of three, when my teddy-bear's head fell off. I prayed for it to be mended, but nothing happened. At that point I realised that God was an illusion, and that the Bible was a tissue of lies. Thank you for letting me share my pain with the world, so that no more three-year-olds suffer as I did. S. Fry.
Richard answers: Well, that sums up the whole fallacy of Christianity, doesn't it? Thank you for sharing those wise words with us.
Nancy Pelosi, a strong opponent of Catholic teaching, also shares Richard's birthday.
Dear Professor Dawkins, I just saw a bus go by with the message THERE'S PROBABLY NO GOD on it. Genius! I'll bet that Julian of Norwich and Thomas à Kempis never thought of that one! If only they'd known of your brilliant arguments, they'd never have wasted their lives as they did. P. Toynbee.
Richard answers: Yes, they tell me I am very good at presenting powerful slogans without any distracting attempts at justifying them!
And Pierre Boulez, another misunderstood genius.
Dear Mr Dawkins we read the God Delusion at school, and it is so clever when it says that bringing kids up as Catholics is like child abuse. Also when you talk of sky fairies and men in dresses I see just how stupid it is to believe in God. My teacher tells me that you are a very clever man who invented genes, and so I know that what you said must be true. A. Grayling (aged 9).
Richard answers: Yes, your teacher is right, I am a very clever man. Well done.
Leonard Nimoy, another cult figure, shares Richard's birthday.
Richard, will you stop wasting your time on that dreadful egotistical website. The chicken has escaped again, and K9 needs a walk. Love, Lalla.
Richard answers: Yes, dear, of course.
Also, William Hague, Foreign Secretary.
Infidel dog of a Dawkins, I hurl my shoes in your general direction. Unclean pig of an atheist, beware lest you suffer the death of a thousand cuts! Best regards, Abu McTavish.
Richard answers: Oh dear, have we been hacked again?
Fr Brian Peter George St John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno in prayer
Fr Brian: Well, we're now at the stage in our exciting new ecumenical Latin Mass where we say the Creed, which is a list of things that some of us may believe in. Don't feel left out if you don't - even I wouldn't go along with all of it! Now before we get started, would anyone like to do a liturgical dance? Yes, Salome, dear? Well, all right, but only take off six veils this week, please.
A bit of light relief before the Creed
Congregation: Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipotentem, factorem caeli et terrae, visibilium omnium et invisibilium. Et in unum Dominum Jesum Christum Filium Dei unigenitum. Et ex Patre natum ante omnia saecula.
Fr B: Phew! Time for a break, eh, folks? By the way, if anyone thinks that they are particularly loved by God, they shouldn't hesitate to wave their hands in the air while reciting the creed, just so that we can see who they are!
"Jim, what's wrong with the couple next to us? They're not lifting their hands."
C: Deum de Deo, lumen de lumine, Deum verum de Deo vero. Genitum, non factum, consubstantialem Patri: per quem omnia facta sunt. Qui propter nos homines, et propter nostram salutem decendit de caelis.
Fr B: Well, I think we've earned another break there. Sit down for a bit and tell your neighbours how Jesus came into your lives. This service is about YOU, remember, not just about God.
(Here the congregation may tell their neighbours about what happened at the grapefruit counter in Sainsbury's, or it may be the local garden centre, between the weedkiller and the fertilizer.)
Do you think that statue would look nice in our church?
C: Et incarnatus est de Spiritu sancto ex Maria Virgine: Et homo factus est. Crucifixus etiam pro nobis: sub Pontio Pilato passus, et sepultus est. Et resurrexit tertia die, secundum Scripturas. Et ascendit in caelum: sedet ad dexteram Patris.
Fr B: Now for a random happening. I've taken one of my oblique strategy cards from the pack, and it says "See how many Biblical characters you can think of whose names begin with S." Any offers? Yes... Saul, Samuel, Solomon, Sampson, Simon, Stephen, yes. Gets harder now, doesn't it? Seth, Salome, Sarah, Simeon, Shadrach, Silas, ... No, Nigel, I don't think Scottie, Sherlock and Spock were in the Bible. Look, it was St Peter who did the Vulcan Death Grip, Nigel, he did it on Ananias. On with the Creed, now, folks!
Probably not in the Bible.
C: Et iterum venturus est cum gloria, judicare vivos et mortuos: cujus regni non erit finis. Et in Spiritum sanctum, Dominum, et vivificantem: qui ex Patre Filioque procedit. Qui cum Patre et Filio simul adoratur, et conglorificatur: qui locutus est per Prophetas.
Fr B: Phew! That was a toughie. Shall we get the musicians to play us something spiritual on their guitars and recorders? How about the theme tune from Neighbours? As St Kylie de Minogue says in her memoirs: "Everybody needs good neighbours."
C: Et unam, sanctam, catholicam, et apostolicam Ecclesiam. Confiteor unum baptisma in remissionem peccatorum. Et expecto resurrectionem mortuorum. Et vitam venturi saeculi. Amen.
Fr B: Well done, everyone! Kids up to the front now, you know what's coming soon...
The priest is not strictly necessary at this stage in the service
De lady in de party was indeed Leiutenant Uhurra, she screemed when she saw my bruvver Bosco, but otherwise she didnt say much. De one wiv de big ears is called Sock. He took a long look at my darlin bruvver Bosco and said "Dat's life, Jim, but not as we know it! I don't fink dis creecher is saved."
De leeder chap was called Kerk, dat means churhc, so we cuold tell he was relligiuos. "We abhorrs vilence at all times," he said, "but den we doesn't want dis freek to turn into a Cathlic. I fink I'll soften him up wiv de phassar, just to be on de safe side."
He fired de phassar at Bosco's head, but de deadly rays just buonced off, sometimes it is useful to have a crannium as hard as concreet.
De remainin chap was called Bons, and he was a doctor. He was very interresed by dis skelleton dat was given us by de Calumny Chappel for us to pray to in de bedroom at nihgt, and he was sure dat it was saved.
Anyways, de Star Trekk crew decidded dat Bosco was not much of a threat to civillization (dey did say dat hundreds might die of boredom when dey heard him preechin, but dats reely not nice, it's only been a dozzen at most so far). So Kerk said "Beem us up, Spotty," and den dey all vannished.
My Anti Moly says dat Captin Kerk visitted her too when she was yuonger; dey even had a short rommance cos dat's what always happens in dem storries. Dis is a pitcher of dem bein affectionnate.
