The very first synod

Scene: the Garden of Eden, c. 4004 B.C. Present: Adam, Eve, Serpent, all naked.*

*An old custom for synods revived in Germany in 2025.

Serpent: Now, Adam and Eve, welcome to the Garden of Eden Synod. As the only talking creatures in this area, God has asked us to hold this meeting. Apparently He likes synods.

Adam: I don't remember Him mentioning this to us.

Serpent: He said it to me when you were down the garden. Trust me, I'm a Jesuit. Why, in six thousand years from now a pope will call a three-year synod about synods in order to discuss synods about synods. So they must be what God wants.

Dialogue is a GOOD THING.

Eve: What's a pope?

Serpent: Never mind that for now. Let's get started. Now I think we all know each other, so let's have item 1 on the agenda. Should we eat the apples on the tree in the middle of the garden?

Adam: No, God said we should not. [Opens copy of THE GENESIS HERALD.] Yes, here it is, just before the bit about summer fashions made of figleaves.

Serpent: Ah, but we may find we disagree. Would it not be a cruel persecution of the LGBA (Loves Great Big Apples) community?

Adam: How about a period of discernment to help us decide on this one?

Eve: Good idea. [Discerns for ten seconds.] Let's do it.

Serpent: Excellent. Apple pie for tea, then.

[All applaud the success of the Synod.]

Spoiler: it turns out badly.

Everyone who disagrees with me is cancer!

A special guest post from Bishop Robert McElroy of San Diego, reprinted by kind permission of America magazine, the Jesuits' own journal of spiritual nourishment.

Bishop McElroy receives a certificate listing his merits.

There has been a lot of criticism of my friend Fr "E.L." James (Martin), on account of his new sex book, "Fifty shades of gay". Why, even Cardinals Sarah and Napier have spoken out against him. Still, the less said about that the better, let's consider the ordinary Catholic in the pew. THEY ARE CANCER. Yes, they are. Well, to be fair, some are blackwater fever, others are bubonic plague, and the mildest of them are probably just a runny nose. But YES, they are SICK.

And don't give me any of that "Sober up you loony old coot" stuff. Pope Francis called for diatribe, and that's what you're getting. Diatribe, dialogue, diarrhoea, we gottem all.

As Fr James says, "The Holy Spirit helped to sell my book!"

God the Father inspired the Old Testament, and God the Son inspired the New Testament. Now God the Holy Spirit (or Pope Francis as he prefers to be known) has given us a third testament - Amoris Laetitia. He has even installed a new Pontifical Institute for Adultery to guide us through this new Catholicism.

Since writing his book about gay sex on bridges, Fr James has been scorned, vilified, mocked, laughed at, and - I regret to say - told in no uncertain terms that he is a screaming heretic. But his books sell, and that's what really matters. Remember that Jesus Christ was very keen on LGBT issues, and all claims that He ever regarded chastity as a virtue are simply BIGOTRY. And those who make them are SMALLPOX.

We congratulate Fr James and his partner on their new son (although he is a little undersized).

Can't you spice this up a little, Bishop? Antonio Spadaro says this piece is weak and understated. Ed.