This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 19 September 2017

Everyone who disagrees with me is cancer!

A special guest post from Bishop Robert McElroy of San Diego, reprinted by kind permission of America magazine, the Jesuits' own journal of spiritual nourishment.

Bishop McElroy

Bishop McElroy receives a certificate listing his merits.

There has been a lot of criticism of my friend Fr "E.L." James (Martin), on account of his new sex book, "Fifty shades of gay". Why, even Cardinals Sarah and Napier have spoken out against him. Still, the less said about that the better, let's consider the ordinary Catholic in the pew. THEY ARE CANCER. Yes, they are. Well, to be fair, some are blackwater fever, others are bubonic plague, and the mildest of them are probably just a runny nose. But YES, they are SICK.

And don't give me any of that "Sober up you loony old coot" stuff. Pope Francis called for diatribe, and that's what you're getting. Diatribe, dialogue, diarrhoea, we gottem all.

Fr James the best-seller

As Fr James says, "The Holy Spirit helped to sell my book!"

God the Father inspired the Old Testament, and God the Son inspired the New Testament. Now God the Holy Spirit (or Pope Francis as he prefers to be known) has given us a third testament - Amoris Laetitia. He has even installed a new Pontifical Institute for Adultery to guide us through this new Catholicism.

Since writing his book about gay sex on bridges, Fr James has been scorned, vilified, mocked, laughed at, and - I regret to say - told in no uncertain terms that he is a screaming heretic. But his books sell, and that's what really matters. Remember that Jesus Christ was very keen on LGBT issues, and all claims that He ever regarded chastity as a virtue are simply BIGOTRY. And those who make them are SMALLPOX.

Fr James etc.

We congratulate Fr James and his partner on their new son (although he is a little undersized).

Can't you spice this up a little, Bishop? Antonio Spadaro says this piece is weak and understated. Ed.

7 comments:

  1. i am not sure whether to laugh or cry in this time of renaissance for catholic satire.

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  2. A good laugh as always, dear Eccles, and Lord knows if we didn't laugh we'd cry. It's strange because I also thought of Fifty Shades of Gray (or Gay in this case) when he made those comments about the Holy Spirit selling the book because I thought how that drivel also sold by the bucket load and I would hazard a guess and say it wasn't totally the Holy Spirit's doing.

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  3. Now the Divine Physician being called, He came quickly and said: Fear not. There is no cancer. But behold, there is an ugly fungating mass of fat swollen leeches, squirming all over each other, sucking life from this body. I shall burn them off unto death. And life and health were soon restored to the body. Laus tibi Christe.

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  4. This blog negates my symptoms of exposure to Pope Francis (sigh) for a duration of three days. I might even survive this radioactive pontificate.

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  5. I see that the good old Arch-Banker of Canterbury wants to see schoolboys in dresses. Not disturbing in the slightest, eh ?

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  6. In the old days it was UNDER the bridges that sex happened. (qv "Sous les ponts de Paris" Jean Roder/Vincent Scotto, popularised by Eartha Kitt). I suppose, nowadays, in this gay age, one has to accept change, though, I believe, Fr James Martin may well have some friends who remember the old days...

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  7. Then again, "malignant neoplasm" would make an excellent insult from the Spirit of Vitriol.

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