What church am I in?

This post is a complement to Archdruid Eileen's extremely useful guide What kind of Christian are you? which enables one to identify churches simply by seeing what information is posted outside them: we have a little quiz here, to see whether you can identify a church from the worship that goes on inside.

Muslim, I am.

1. Various people sing "Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor" and someone throws holy water at you. Is this (a) Baptist, (b) Catholic, or (c) Scientologist?

2. A man waves a scimitar in your face and says "Die, infidel dogs!" just because you have come in with your wife, who is wearing a mini-skirt bearing a pattern of jolly piglets. Is this (a) Church of England, (b) Quaker, or (c) Muslim?

3. A woman takes her top off, dances round the altar, and shouts "Justice for Tina Beattie!" Is this (a) Catholic, (b) Sikh, or (c) The Wee Frees?

A Femen protestor gives her views on Lumen Gentium.

4. A woman in a clerical collar dances down the aisle and says, "Hello, we'll just have a simple service of worship before we take our tea and biscuits in the church hall." Is this (a) Satanic Fire-worshipper, (b) Buddhist, or (c) Church of England?

5. A man exclaims "Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! I am a fourteenth-level thetan from the planet Tharg!" Is this (a) Hindu, (b) Calvary Chapel, or (c) Scientologist?

6. A funny little alien comes in and says "May the Force be with you, and in the right order all your words rearrange themselves." Is this (a) Methodist, (b) Judaic, or (c) Jedi?

May the Force be with you. Not the Quaker oats.

7. A loudspeaker says "Welcome to Tesco. Today we have ten pence off on our self-raising tomatoes." Is this (a) Church of England, (b) Not actually a church at all, or (c) Sikh?

8. A young Man comes in with a whip of cords, upsets the tables of the money-changers, and drives out the sheep and oxen. Is this (a) Judaic, (b) Catholic, or (c) Quaker?

9. The minister screams out in a broad Irish accent: "'Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?' Yes, Our Lord was thinking of Catholics when he said that." Is this (a) Free Presbyterian, (b) Confucianist, or (c) Greek Orthodox?

Hallelujah! I has been saved!

10. The congregation, wearing white robes, dances round a stone circle singing "Hail to the Mother Earth Goddess!" Is this (a) Liberal Catholic, (b) Mormon, or (c) Druid?

Unfortunately, this last question has two correct answers.

Some possible answers are proposed here.