How should women dress in church?

It's the perennial debate - should women dress how they like in church, or should they dress in a restrained way, in order to avoid stimulating the lusts of lecherous men? Should men avert their eyes, or is that impossible?

Men: if embarrassed by improperly-dressed women, blindfold yourself!

Let's look at a few case studies, and see what the answer is.

RIGHT! These costumes show dignity, modesty, and above all practicality. If you're in the habit of shaking a leg in church during Mass, then we can recommend nothing better.

WRONG! A lot of men are stimulated by the sight of women in uniform, and so seeing nuns in full regalia is often more than the soul can bear. Why can't these ladies dress like those wonderful "nuns on the bus", who, by clothing and teaching, are totally unrecognisable as nuns?

RIGHT! When I first saw the references to "yoga pants" I kept asking myself "Who is Yoga and why is he panting?" wondering whether this was something to do with Star Wars. However, these appear to be the sort of garment worn by ladies practising yoga. Now, Ignatian yoga is recommended by Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, and what else can you wear for this except Ignatian yoga pants?

WRONG! Mantillas merely stress the femininity of the wearer, as men would not be seen dead in them. Until we develop a new unisex mantilla that can be worn by men and women alike, we must not allow women to emphasise their fleecy assets! Also, they are RIGID.

RIGHT! I got this from someone called @LizziesaAnswers, a recent convert, who with only a year's experience of Catholicism is already able to answer questions on any subject under the sun, including those that have baffled Augustine, Aquinas and Pope Francis! So she obviously knows how to dress.

What church am I in?

This post is a complement to Archdruid Eileen's extremely useful guide What kind of Christian are you? which enables one to identify churches simply by seeing what information is posted outside them: we have a little quiz here, to see whether you can identify a church from the worship that goes on inside.

Muslim, I am.

1. Various people sing "Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor" and someone throws holy water at you. Is this (a) Baptist, (b) Catholic, or (c) Scientologist?

2. A man waves a scimitar in your face and says "Die, infidel dogs!" just because you have come in with your wife, who is wearing a mini-skirt bearing a pattern of jolly piglets. Is this (a) Church of England, (b) Quaker, or (c) Muslim?

3. A woman takes her top off, dances round the altar, and shouts "Justice for Tina Beattie!" Is this (a) Catholic, (b) Sikh, or (c) The Wee Frees?

A Femen protestor gives her views on Lumen Gentium.

4. A woman in a clerical collar dances down the aisle and says, "Hello, we'll just have a simple service of worship before we take our tea and biscuits in the church hall." Is this (a) Satanic Fire-worshipper, (b) Buddhist, or (c) Church of England?

5. A man exclaims "Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! I am a fourteenth-level thetan from the planet Tharg!" Is this (a) Hindu, (b) Calvary Chapel, or (c) Scientologist?

6. A funny little alien comes in and says "May the Force be with you, and in the right order all your words rearrange themselves." Is this (a) Methodist, (b) Judaic, or (c) Jedi?

May the Force be with you. Not the Quaker oats.

7. A loudspeaker says "Welcome to Tesco. Today we have ten pence off on our self-raising tomatoes." Is this (a) Church of England, (b) Not actually a church at all, or (c) Sikh?

8. A young Man comes in with a whip of cords, upsets the tables of the money-changers, and drives out the sheep and oxen. Is this (a) Judaic, (b) Catholic, or (c) Quaker?

9. The minister screams out in a broad Irish accent: "'Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?' Yes, Our Lord was thinking of Catholics when he said that." Is this (a) Free Presbyterian, (b) Confucianist, or (c) Greek Orthodox?

Hallelujah! I has been saved!

10. The congregation, wearing white robes, dances round a stone circle singing "Hail to the Mother Earth Goddess!" Is this (a) Liberal Catholic, (b) Mormon, or (c) Druid?

Unfortunately, this last question has two correct answers.

Some possible answers are proposed here.

Church of England casts the net wider

The CNC is apparently unable to reach a decision on who to recommend as the next Archbishop of Canterbury: all the obvious candidates are either too traditional, too liberal, too evangelical, in favour of women bishops, against women bishops, writers of dreadful blogs, known clowns from Thought for the Day, in favour of same-sex marriage, against same-sex marriage, too black, too white, Arsenal supporters, Manchester United supporters, in the habit of sniffing too much, adenoidal, too fat, too bearded, or otherwise ruled out. Or if not, their wives are.

Accordingly the CNC has cast its net a little wider, and now it finally has a list of two nominees who are not Anglicans in the traditional sense.

Abu Hamza (often mistaken for Richard Chartres)

Widely regarded as a safe pair of hands hooks, Abu Hamza is just the person to bring a breath of fresh air to the CofE. Likely to be welcomed by many in the Muslim community. Only snag: do the people of Lambeth and Canterbury want to be woken at dawn by a voice crying "Ayeeeeeeee... Death to the Infidel. Ayeeeeeeee..." (Previously they were woken by the bleat of an "Ayeeeeeeee... I do think it is most valuable for us to be able to have dialogue with Richard Dawkins. Ayeeeeeeee..." from Rowan Williams.)

Yoda of the Jedi, this is

Yoda is claimed by some malicious people to be merely a puppet and not a religious figure at all, but then the same accusation has been levelled at people such as Giles Fraser, so this is not supposed to be a disadvantage. He is said to have Prince Charles's ear - and indeed the church's future primate and supreme governor do both seem to have hearing apparatus in the "XXXL" size. One snag: seems to have unfashionable views on Good and Evil, which may upset the General Synod. Will his comment "When you look at the dark side, careful you must be ... for the dark side looks back" return to haunt him? Will it put paid to any hopes of a merger with the Church of Satan?

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Better still, wear it at Mass, and watch the priest hastily cross himself and sprinkle you with holy water!

Available from all good joke shops. Banal opinions on music, literature and politics supplied separately.