Cardinal Napier "less Catholic than Ian Paisley"

Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier OFM was once a reasonably orthodox Catholic, but his history may be regarded as the Rake's Progress in 3 parts.

Warning - this is going to end badly.

Part I - the Smiter of Heresy.

Fighting talk, your Eminence!

Clearly this is a man who will stand no nonsense. Indeed, in the 2015 Synod on the Family, he expressed disquiet at the way it was being gerrymandered. Now he's stomping on Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, who deserves stomping on if anyone does. What can possibly go wrong?

Part II - the Pope-worshipper.

Oh dear - he's been got at.

Our hero descends into a slavish adoration of Pope Francis and his dreadful Amoris Laetita (the Pope's little joke on the Church). I can't pinpoint any wonders achieved by Pope Francis, but I am sure that if we get a Pope Francis II (say, Cupich, Wuerl, or Tobin), then lots of dodgy miracles will be attributed to Francis I, and he'll be canonized before you can say "McCarrick!"

Part III - a place is reserved in Bedlam.

The final descent into madness.

Right, that's clear. Anyone who criticises Pope Francis is literally Hitler Ian Paisley, the loud-mouthed Protestant politician from Northern Ireland who shouted "Anti-Christ!" at Pope John-Paul II. Poor old Ian was actually very sound on issues like abortion and homosexuality, but he really didn't like Catholics. Now, it's hard to know whether Raymond Arroyo has shouted "Anti-Christ!" at Pope Francis. It's said that a lot of people mutter that phrase under their breath whenever the Holy Father goes on the rampage. Burke, Festing, Sarah, Sire, ...?

But poor old Arroyo is one of the mildest of chaps.

Part 4 (a bonus) - we ask the people to decide.

Oh dear, this is most embarrassing. Not only did Cardinal Napier lose out badly to Raymond Arroyo in a Twitter poll, but he even lost out to Ian Paisley. I'm sorry, Wilf, I'm so very very sorry...

"And that Amoris Laetitia is rubbish as well!"

Saint of the Week - St Martin McGuinness

When parents christen their baby James Martin Pacelli McGuinness - note the Pacelli after Pope Pius XII - you can be sure that he will grow up to be a pious Catholic, destined for rapid canonization. Admittedly he may have been a bit of a handful as a child - there are stories told of his tarring and feathering his teddy-bear, kneecapping his golliwog, and attempting to bury his Humpty Dumpty doll in an unmarked grave - but we knew that he would grow out of such childish habits. By the way, there is no truth in the story that his pet kitten was blown up by semtex to punish it for bringing in a dead mouse.

Pacelli? Why didn't the parents choose Al Capone, Don Corleone or Sinatra?

After a distinguished political career, Martin rose to be the deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland. His was the voice of Catholicism, in contrast to the nasty Protestants led by Ian Paisley. Indeed, many believed that a holy man like Martin would become a priest, perhaps something like Fr Tony Flannery; maybe he would even rise to be a distinguished archbishop like Seán Brady. The Catholic Church in Ireland had never had it so good.

Fathers Paisley and McGuinness enjoy an ecumenical joke together.

Eventually Martin, who had been MP for mid-Ulster, left the British House of Commons. To do this he had to apply for either the Stewardship of the Chiltern Hundreds, or the Stewardship of the Manor of Northstead. He chose the latter, and the good people of Northstead were indeed blessed by several weeks' just stewardship with hardly anybody being murdered. Since Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley have also held this stewardship at various times, this remote part of Yorkshire is rapidly becoming a place of pilgrimage.

Lourdes? No, simply the gardens of the Manor of Northstead.

St Martin is in the news again now, for he has announced a change in the Catholic doctrine on abortion. From now on, it's OK to kill Catholics in the womb, as - for some people - it's always been OK to kill Protestants outside the womb. "I try and be the best Catholic I can be," says Martin, and who can doubt that he has always been the best Catholic he could ever be? After all, Hitler was a pious Catholic, as atheists never stop telling us, and Martin is no less a saint.

Explaining to Archbishop Eamon Martin what the new rules are.

So please give us no more talk about Martin McGuinness being excommunicated. Rather let us talk of this saintly man being swept up to Heaven with a blaze of trumpets. Alleluia!

© Extreme Loony Socialist Party of Ireland.

---

On another topic, here's some moral instruction:

Thomas De Quincey's thought for the day.

Why don't I hate Ian Paisley?

Ian Paisley, alias Lord Bannside, is dead, and I feel very guilty. Look, I know it was my Christian duty to hate him, and now I should be opening the champagne, dancing around, and writing a blog post saying that the old bastard is no doubt going straight to the Lake of Fire, but... actually I don't feel that way.

True, he had a slightly Protestant view of religion - just as you might say that Richard Dawkins has a slightly atheist view of religion - and, like Dawkins, he said some horrible things, many of which were rather stupid. For example, he thought the popes were the Anti-Christ, although it's not clear to me whether he would have included St Peter in that number.

Ian waits at the airport for the Pope (and/or the Anti-Christ) to collect his baggage.

Yes, this is worrying. I ought to be thinking nasty thoughts about Paisley and they just won't come. Probably he's in some queue for Purgatory now with Donald Sinden the actor, who has also died, each trying to shout louder than the other. Luckily, Brian Blessed shows no signs of joining them today.

The Lake of Fire. Some people end up here (not readers of this blog, obviously).

If it wasn't that he had many of the same religious opinions, my big brother Bosco would even now be condemning Paisley to the Lake of Fire.

Look, I'm trying to think nasty thoughts about the Reverend Ian Paisley (or RIP, as everyone is calling him today), but they're not coming. I had the same problem when the comedian Bernard Manning died. The man said unspeakable things, but he wasn't just plain evil in the same way as Hitler, Stalin, and the rest of them.

Probably you should shout "Yah, boo" at this photo of Bernard Manning.

Admittedly, nobody is claiming that Ian Paisley was a saint, in the same way as St Francis or St Thérèse of Lisieux. Actually, these days, when asked to think of a saintly character, people name Gandhi or Mandela instead: this proves that the era of satire is dead. Still, Paisley may be slightly saved, in spite of all his obvious nastiness.

No, I really don't find it in me to spit on his grave. Sorry. Perhaps if I pray a bit more, I will be able to summon up more hatred...

Devil horns or rabbit ears? RIP shares a joke with a friend.

What church am I in?

This post is a complement to Archdruid Eileen's extremely useful guide What kind of Christian are you? which enables one to identify churches simply by seeing what information is posted outside them: we have a little quiz here, to see whether you can identify a church from the worship that goes on inside.

Muslim, I am.

1. Various people sing "Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor" and someone throws holy water at you. Is this (a) Baptist, (b) Catholic, or (c) Scientologist?

2. A man waves a scimitar in your face and says "Die, infidel dogs!" just because you have come in with your wife, who is wearing a mini-skirt bearing a pattern of jolly piglets. Is this (a) Church of England, (b) Quaker, or (c) Muslim?

3. A woman takes her top off, dances round the altar, and shouts "Justice for Tina Beattie!" Is this (a) Catholic, (b) Sikh, or (c) The Wee Frees?

A Femen protestor gives her views on Lumen Gentium.

4. A woman in a clerical collar dances down the aisle and says, "Hello, we'll just have a simple service of worship before we take our tea and biscuits in the church hall." Is this (a) Satanic Fire-worshipper, (b) Buddhist, or (c) Church of England?

5. A man exclaims "Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! I am a fourteenth-level thetan from the planet Tharg!" Is this (a) Hindu, (b) Calvary Chapel, or (c) Scientologist?

6. A funny little alien comes in and says "May the Force be with you, and in the right order all your words rearrange themselves." Is this (a) Methodist, (b) Judaic, or (c) Jedi?

May the Force be with you. Not the Quaker oats.

7. A loudspeaker says "Welcome to Tesco. Today we have ten pence off on our self-raising tomatoes." Is this (a) Church of England, (b) Not actually a church at all, or (c) Sikh?

8. A young Man comes in with a whip of cords, upsets the tables of the money-changers, and drives out the sheep and oxen. Is this (a) Judaic, (b) Catholic, or (c) Quaker?

9. The minister screams out in a broad Irish accent: "'Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?' Yes, Our Lord was thinking of Catholics when he said that." Is this (a) Free Presbyterian, (b) Confucianist, or (c) Greek Orthodox?

Hallelujah! I has been saved!

10. The congregation, wearing white robes, dances round a stone circle singing "Hail to the Mother Earth Goddess!" Is this (a) Liberal Catholic, (b) Mormon, or (c) Druid?

Unfortunately, this last question has two correct answers.

Some possible answers are proposed here.

Obama solves the Irish question

There was excellent news in Northern Ireland this week, when Barack Obama, a retired lawyer now holding an administrative job in Washington, announced the solution to the Irish question, which has evaded the greatest minds for over 200 years (or 500 years, by some accounts).

Now, are you guys Protestant Muslims or Catholic Muslims?

Said the sage of Honolulu: If Catholics have their schools and buildings, and Protestants have theirs ... that encourages division.

Lord Bannside and Martin McGuinness agree on something - that Obama is a complete fool.

Thus, in brief, the Obama plan for peace is as follows:

1. Catholics and Protestants to combine their church schools
and teach exactly the same thing. 
2. Catholics and Protestants to share churches and have joint 
services.
3. Well, actually, the POTUS would like all churches to close.
4. Obama to become Pope and Moderator of the Free Presbyterian 
Church of Ulster. 
5. Catholics and Protestants to stop complaining about Obama's 
support of wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.
6. Not to mention abortion, same-sex marriage, etc.

We need more "Star Wars" Masses and fewer "Jesus Christ" services!

Obama later clarified his position: "Religion is fine by me, really, provided that you don't let it affect your behaviour. Model your conduct on that of my great friends Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi - they're pious, devout and humble Catholics, but also powerful voices against religion!"

"And you can take that cross down, for a start!"

Having solved the Irish question, Obama is moving onto the Middle East, where his simple recipe for peace will be: Why not just combine Islam and Judaism into one faith, and call it Judlam? Or better still, join the Catestants and Protholics and make one big religion called Obaminanity?

Finally, Obama faces his biggest challenge of all, to bring reconciliation between God and the Devil.

The Apocalypse. Could it be averted if God and Satan agree to worship Obama?

Kieran Corny abducted by aliens

Bob the Builder - note the striking resemblance to Kieran Corny.

The Catholic Church has finally come clean and admitted that Kieran Corny, the much-loved bishop of Arundel and Brighton, was abducted by aliens a few years ago, and replaced by a lookalike, Bob the Builder. Many will know Bob from his catchphrase Can we fix it? to which the reply is Yes, but we're not going to bother.

Some of Kieran's conduct over the last few years has been so absurd that many Catholics have exclaimed in disbelief "Is this man really a bishop?" Now, at last, their worse fears are confirmed, as it is revealed that an impostor was in place all along.

In happier times, Kieran Corny had a big following.

Most recently, Kieran launched an ill-judged personal attack on the outgoing pope, Benedict XVI. Said a critic, "He seemed to be totally unaware of a bishop's duty of loyalty and obedience. He was acting in the egotistical way that one might associate with Ed Stourton, Tina Beattie, or any of the other people linked with that rag, the Tablet."

Ian Paisley (Lord Bannside). "I find the Tablet too harsh in its criticisms of the Pope."

Bob, the Kieran Corny lookalike, has set himself up as the Antipope of the South Coast in recent years. One of his main criticisms has been that decisions concerning the worldwide Catholic church have been taken centrally in Rome, rather than being left to local potentates to decide for themselves. "What's the point of being a bishop if you can't define Catholicism to suit yourself?" he is supposed to have said. However, the Vatican is still refusing to recognise the SSPB (Society of Sussex Pope-Bashers).

A recent portrait of Kieran Corny.

Whether explaining how the Pope should have run the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, attacking Cardinal O'Brien on the issue of same-sex marriage, or simply moaning about Archbishop Roche's new translation of the liturgy ("In Sussex we don't say 'consubstantial' - we say 'being of one thingie, whatever'"), Bob Corny has a track record of ticking off his superiors.

"It's all Greek to me," says Bob.

So it was with a brilliant sense of irony that Corny was appointed head of the Magic Circle's department for Evangelisation and Catechesis - after all, the Catholic church is bound to evangelise much better if it is known to be full of dissenting bishops, and of course these are just the sort of people one would want to be catechised by.

Bob Corny is also Brighton and Hove Albion's star left-winger.

Still the truth is now out: the holy and learned Kieran Corny has been abducted to the planet Tharg, and meanwhile Bob the lookalike has been bumbling around Arundel and Brighton. We should have realised sooner.