Leigh Rubin saw it coming in 2018.
At the other
end of the spectrum, many devout Catholics, such as Pope Francis, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi,
Blase Cupich, Arthur Roche, James Martin, Austen Ivereigh and Massimo Faggioli, have declared
themselves ready to meet the Last Trump as "We were right along!"
"When's Climate Change turning up?"
Celebrate ad orientem. Celebrating versus populum obviously increases the risk that the priest may catch something from the coughing congregation, and should be suspended.
Use only Latin. Try saying something liturgical in Latin, and then try saying the same thing in Vernacular. You will see that when speaking Latin your mouth does not open so widely, and thus the risk of transmitting and receiving germs is reduced. Those traditionalists knew a thing or two!
99% of doctors say NO to holding hands for the "Our Father".
Avoid bad hymns. Scientific studies have shown that singing "Gather us in," "Lord of the Dance," "Kumbayah," or "Shine, Jesus, Shine" puts a strain on the vocal muscles, as well as the brain, and makes one more susceptible to viruses. Safest of all is Gregorian chant, which can mostly be sung with the mouth closed.
No more sign of peace. I was lucky this morning, in that the choir belted into the Agnus Dei very quickly, and only two people
had a chance to share their germs with me (three more were left fuming, as I switched off my friendly expression and tried looking pious instead).
In general, a simple handshake can transmit 100000000000000000000000 bugs, so be warned. Grinning distantly is safest, but kicking your
opponent neighbour will also work if he insists on physical contact.
"Peace be with you."
Wear earmuffs. This will protect you against bad doctrine in the homily far better than handwash and a face mask would.
Remove all pests from the church. Traditionally, illnesses have been transmitted by pests. So clear your church of all rats, spiders, Jesuits, and anything else that may carry disease.
Ban dancing. Bad news for Tagle, the Dancing Cardinal, but it's obvious that prancing around like a teenager in a disco is going to spread germs widely. So stop!
Spot the ninny. (Hint: they are all ninnies.)
Stay at home and watch it on television. Yes but, as I have explained before, this will only allow you to watch Heaven on television, rather than attend in person. So don't do it for very long.
... and he will return to judge and insult the quick and the dead...
Only a fragment of the prophecy survives, but what there is, is fairly definite.
1. And when the Saviour returns he will appear in the humble town of Buenos Aires in the land of gauchos and corned beef.
2. And he will take control of his Church gradually, appearing in a cloud of glory - or at least, white smoke - having been led to the throne of Peter by the four horsemen of the Apocalypse - Murphy-O'Connor (Confusion), Martini (Scandal), Kasper (Heresy) and Danneels (Corruption).
3. His reign will on Earth will last for many years, and be a time of great trouble.
The St Gallen Mafia will make us an offer we can't refuse.
4. For he will explain the scriptures, and bring out new meanings that were never found by the previous occupants of the throne of Peter.
5. And his lowly servants, bearing the names Spadaro, Martin, Faggioli, and many others, will explain that doctrine has evolved, and that which was Gospel Truth in the land of Judaea two thousand years ago is no longer "hip", "cool" and "groovy" (in the language of Vatican II). In short it must be replaced.
6. Thus there will be a New Testament, to be called Amoral Latitude, which will deliver a new message, but in as confusing a way as possible.
7. For the Saviour will not wish that the theologians and moral philosophers go out of business, by actually saying something clear and unambiguous.
8. For what else can they do? They cannot dig, and to beg they are ashamed. So they must continue to preach.
And all the World will rejoice. Or not.
9. And there will come doubters unto the Saviour, who will ask him what he means, and whether he really intended to contradict all the previous occupants of the Chair of Peter.
10. And he will utter not a word in answer, while at the same time stressing in his speeches the importance of dialogue.
11. But he will privily let it be known that his words are Magisterial, and of course much more Magisterial than anything previously seen.
Offer does not apply to Cardinal Burke, the Filial Correction prophets, nor Fr Weinandy.
12. And people will speak out, saying "Surely he has gone mad?" and "Surely, he is an heretic?" and "What the Francis was all that about?"
13. But one day he will simply disappear, and the people will marvel, saying: "Was he really the Messiah, or did he just think he was?"
