The Dictator Apostle

Jerusalem, A.D. 33. Ecclesiam reports.

I've just been reading "The Dictator Apostle" by Marcus Antonius, alias the historian Henry the Sire-enian, who is very critical of Jorgas Iscarglio, one of the 12 Apostles.

Many people, notably St Stephen of Walford, keeper of the piano keys, would claim that Iscarglio, as an apostle, is beyond criticism. After all, he was appointed by Jesus Himself and given authority to cast out evil spirits (e.g. Jesuits) and to cure diseases. However, the reality suggests that somehow the St Galilee Mafia fixed it for Jorgas to get the job, and his Apostleship will lead to disaster.

He's not the Messiah, he's just a very naughty apostle.

Criticisms of Iscarglio, the "Argentinian" apostle, centre on his aggressive and dictatorial nature, his dodgy financial transactions (involving an unexplained donation of 30 pieces of silver), his attempts to rewrite Christian teaching on marriage, his refusal to discuss doctrine with his dubious colleagues, even his encouragement of Cardinal Maccabees the serial sex-criminal.

Like his Master, Jorgas consorts with publicans and sinners, but unlike Him he tells them "Keep it up, you're doing a grand job. Who am I to judge?" When one notorious sinner, Bono the Tuneless, came to see him, explaining that he was pro-abortion, and was backed by a very dodgy group, Iscarglio merely replied, "U2?"

Attempts are already being made to declare Jorgas a saint.

Henry the Sire-enian believes it will end badly for Jorgas, and he may be right.

Marcantonio Colonna revealed to be Fr Thomas Rosica

When The Dictator Pope first came out, it was said to be authored by Marcantonio Colonna: it was not until several months later that someone realised that Mr Colonna had an alibi, as he had been dead for 400 years. Accordingly, it was then "revealed" that the author was Henry Sire, then Knight of the Order of Malta. Mr Sire suffered for this, being de-knighted.

However, that's not the end of the story, as it turns out that the true author of The Dictator Pope was Fr Thomas Rosica, the be-nighted Satan Lite media mogul and alleged Catholic priest.

"Yes, Francis is a dictator and that is a GOOD THING."

Apologies to readers for two consecutive posts on our hero, Rosie, but he is a gift to spiritually nourishing bloggers.

Catholics tend to look down on Sola Scriptura teaching, because after all there are numerous ways to interpret certain Biblical passages, and until now it was best to interpret them in the light of tradition - that is, in the same way as the early Church did. But now we have Solus Franciscus, the view that all Catholic teaching should be torn up, and we should listen only to Pope Francis. Once you accept that, Amoris Laetitia will be your Bible, rather than, er, the Bible.

The Great Dictator, now available badly drawn on a lollipope.

Francis's record as a dictator is not in doubt - he may have invaded the Sovereign Order of Malta, he may have made all dissidents into unpersons, he may have promoted nonentities and heretics into positions of power, his speeches reek of fanaticism, but... but... oh yes, at least he makes the trains run on time in the Vatican.

Habemus Papam!

Some of Fr Rosica's words are a little difficult to understand. What's all this about the Pope being free from "disordered attachments"? Does this mean the boot for his adviser, Fr James Martin SJ, as disordered an attachment as you would ever expect to see? And what is Jesuit intellectualism? Is that something to do with never making clear-cut statements, but always speaking ambiguously, so that several heretical interpretations are possible? We need to be told.

Henry Sire, now believed to be a sockpuppet of Fr Rosica.

Still, the main message is clear. Previous Popes were such boring fuddy-duddies, always repeating over and over again the messages of their predecessors, of the doctors of the Church, of the apostles, of Jesus... But now the Fourth Person of the Trinity has arrived. His Coming is predicted in the Bible, "And Lo! A Fat Argentinian Dictator will come to dwell among you. And he will tell you what I should have said, but got wrong."

Somewhere in the Book of Revelation, I fancy.

Gaudete et Exsultate - Goad and Insult

This is the latest instalment in our "How to be a good Pope" series, and explains how you can issue a Call to Holiness, while at the same time settling a few scores.

Five years into your reign, things may not be going too well. Your great work Appassionata Erotica was not received as enthusiastically as you had hoped, and you have a pile of unanswered dubia, filial corrections, letters, e-mails, etc. to deal with. Why, they've even organized a conference in Rome with the theme: "Is Pope Fred bonkers, or simply thick?" This is supposed to deal with some doctrinal questions in as tactful a way as possible.

Trying to understand Appassionata Erotica.

Also, some cheeky blighter has written a book called The Megalomaniac Pope. You don't intend to read it, but you have a feeling that those skilled in textual analysis may detect traces of criticism in it.

Pausing only to phone up Booze-lager, your man in the Order of Malta, asking him to put a live scorpion in a certain author's bed, you rush off to write your exhortation "Goad and Insult". This contains:

1. Some recycled stuff from previous speeches, homilies, rants, interviews with Scalfari, etc.

2. Some attacks on straw men, which your spin-doctor Fr Spidero will interpret as referring to Burke, Sarah, Pope Benedict XVI, St Paul, Jesus, and various other people who have offended you.

3. A huge dossier contributed by Spidero, which proves that you are holy and nobody else is.

As a scarecrow, I wish to complain about these papal attacks on straw men.

Now, the two heresies you are most found of mentioning - a complete mystery to 99% of Catholics including yourself - are Gnosticism and Pelagianism. So mutter in dark tones that some people are guilty of these ancient heresies. It's far more serious than abortion (and anyway, your friend Emma Banana has asked you to go easy on that one from now on).

Perhaps for a change you could accuse your critics of Triclavianism. This is a medieval heresy that three, rather than four, nails were used to crucify Christ and that a Roman soldier pierced Him with a spear on the left, rather than right side (unless someone on Wikipedia has been having a little joke).

You've disagreed with your predecessors. Next, disagree with your successors.

Now, the biggest thorn in your side at present is probably that African chap with the girl's name. Let's call him Cardinal Sally. He's very fond of Silence, and has written a whole book about it. This goes against everything you stand for - why, you can't keep silent for more than 30 seconds at a time - so attack Silence. Who are silent? Nuns. Right, let's take a kick at the nuns. You might even start a new order, the Pope Fred Order of Screaming Nuns, who are forbidden ever to remain silent.

You might also want to take a kick at the Vatican librarian, who shushed Spadaro when he started singing Italian drinking songs in the Sex-and-Shopping section. That'll teach her!

Anyway, you get the idea. Offend as many faithful Catholics as you can - call them obsessive, absorbed and punctilious if they try to keep the commandments - while pointing out that you alone are truly holy. As long as James Martin, Massimo Faggioli, and Austen Ivereigh praise you, nobody else matters!

"I'm afraid you've got a bad Apostolic Exhortation, Fr Jones."
"Oh no, Holy Father, parts of it are excellent."

Who wrote that book about the Pope?

At last the secret is out, and we can reveal who wrote that notorious book about the Pope, a best-seller that has brought its author riches beyond the dream of avarice.

The book in question is, of course, "Pope Francis, the Great Reformer." It told of Francis's rise to power in Peronist Argentina, and how it affected his career. The author chose to publish the book under an obvious false name - Austen Ivereigh - as plausible an alias as Brontë Tusk, Eliot Gnashers, or Dickens Heffalump. Did he fear reprisals?

Sorry, wrong picture.

All we knew about the author was that he was some sort of Catholic journalist, with a gift for clunky prose and very liberal ideas. It seemed that he had spent some time in Argentina, but was now based in the UK. Somebody leaked the information that he ran some sort of dictatorship, the Kingdom of Voices, where his lackeys addressed him as "Sire".

There was no limit to his boldness. He once presented Pope Francis with a copy of the controversial book, taking care to disguise himself as Ronnie Corbett, before melting into the crowd.

Austen Ivereigh in disguise. Is he really a six-foot blonde woman?

But in the end, the secret could be kept no longer. The brilliant Vatican secret police tracked down the real Austen Ivereigh, and it turned out to be

Sorry, that's all we've got time for.

Sherlock Holmes and the Dictator Pope

Not many of my readers will know that my friend Sherlock Holmes was a faithful Catholic: it is true that, having been brought up by Jesuits, he neither attended church nor obeyed Catholic moral teaching, but this should not be held against him.

Many will remember his epigram about "The curious incident of the cardinal in the night - the cardinal did nothing in the night, that was the curious incident," referring to the Archbishop of Westminster's failure to give any kind of a moral lead on Catholic teaching. As a result of this, and similar cases, Holmes was often consulted on delicate Catholic matters.

Thus, one morning, we were sitting in Baker Street discussing the new Encyclical Humanae Mortis, which had driven Holmes to inject himself with a seven percent solution of "coke" - the scientific name is "Coccopalmerio" - when our servant Mrs Beattie opened the door to admit a man dressed inconspicuously as a South American general.

Our illustrious client.

"Mr Holmes, I need your help," said our client. "A book has been written about, er, a friend of mine, and we need to trace the author in order to, um, pay him homage. The Swiss Guards are already standing by with torture implements."

"I am at your service, Holy Father," replied Holmes (to my gasps of "amazing, Holmes, how did you penetrate his disguise?") "Shall we go to Rome, and make enquiries?"

We took Pope Francis's private jet to Rome, and the flight passed quickly, since our client remained standing throughout the journey, developing new Catholic doctrines "off the cuff": these will one day astound and delight the world. That evening, Holmes and I settled into an apartment in the Vatican. Holmes took out his violin as an aid to concentration and played a haunting arrangement of Stephen Walford's renowned concerto for piano and Balinese nose-flute (with its famous marking "Play whatever the Pope wants").

After two or three minutes the door opened and an African cardinal strode in. "SILENCE!" he bellowed angrily, and threw a book at my companion's head, stunning him slightly.

"... so many noisy popes..." (paragraph 40)

Once I had bandaged his head, Holmes and I made a tour of the building. We were standing outside Cardinal Coccopalmerio's apartment when we heard impassioned cries of "No! Yes! YES! YES! YES!"

"I see that they are working on an answer to the Dubia," I remarked to Holmes. He gave me a funny look that I did not understand, and began to analyse the mystery we were trying to solve.

"Watson, my theory is that the book The Dictator Pope was not written by the real Marcantonio Colonna, as he has been dead since 1584. More likely, it was written by a liberal Catholic, tired of trying to defend the Pope's obvious failings."

"I have an alibi. I am dead."

"Amazing, Holmes. Could it be Spadaro? Ivereigh (no, it's too well-written)? Massimo Faggioli? James Martin (no, there's no obsession with homosexuality)? Rosica?"

"These are deep matters, Watson, and perhaps I am wrong. But the case presents interesting features. For example, why is the book produced only electronically, and not on paper? Did Cardinal Baldisseri steal all the printed copies?"

Putting on his liturgical deer-stalker, Holmes led me into Mass, where Cardinal Paradigm was going to preach about Parolin Shifts in Amoris Laetitia. To me it sounded like complete heresy, but then Homes explained that this sort of nonsense was necessary if a cardinal wished to be considered papabile, and Cardinal Paradigm probably didn't believe half of what he was saying.

"We have found the man who stole the Pope's vestments" announced Holmes.

To be continued?

How to spot an unsaved person

Let's start the year as we mean to continue, with works of mercy, which include smiting the heretic (or at least, instructing the ignorant and admonishing the sinners).

Father John Z has recently blogged about being blocked on Twitter by Rosica [Rosie] and Faggioli [Beans/Mr Bean] - two people who get a lot of praise on this blog - and he has a point. In fact, everyone on Twitter, including @pontifex, is blocked by Rosie, so Fr Z gets no points for that. Somehow Beans hasn't yet blocked me, but then he is a man of great intellect, at least by the standard of most beans.

For me, the simplest way to find people heading for the Lake of Fire is to see who blocks me on Twitter. So let's start with the most Eminent, and work downwards.

"You're blocked!"

Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier came out well during the 2015 Synod on the Family, signing a letter complaining about the absurd way it was run. However, he later backed down, and became an uncritical fan of Amoris Laetitia, even though it contains some distinctly dodgy passages.

In fact, he turned into a combination of Candide and Polynanna, tweeting random phrases from the dreaded AL. "Love is never having to say you're sorry." "Love is like a tin of sardines, we're all looking for the key." "Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere." That sort of thing.

Several people asked him questions, in particular, about why heretical interpretations were being put forward, and not contradicted by the Vatican. For a while he blustered and flustered, but anyway in the end he gave up trying to answer questions and blocked poor Eccles, who only wanted to learn from the master.

It's a pity that he's destined for the Lake of Fire, as sometimes he said what more cardinals should be saying.

We move on to the Bishop of Lancaster, Michael Gregory Campbell OSA. A man who nearly made it into the top flight of English bishops (along with Egan, Davies, Hopes, and one or two more), he has done some very good things: for example, speaking out against abortion, and telling ACTA to go boil their heads. We haven't seen much of ACTA lately, but maybe that is because they have already won (Vincent Nichols seems to like them), or maybe it is because they were banished to Gehenna by Michael Campbell. I don't know.

Unfortunately, the Diocese of Lancaster website, and so, by association, the bishop, blocked me on Twitter, probably because I criticised the big mistake of Mike's reign at Lancaster. Remember? He suppressed the Protect the Pope blog. Why did he do it? Well the story is that various people were very upset by it (I don't think Tina Beattie was a fan), and somehow Vinnie Nichols, in one of his first moves as Cardinal, decided to lean on Mike. A sad case.

Tea and sympathy for the bishop.

I still read the bishop's blog, and it used to contain a regular "Here I am having tea with nuns" picture. However, once I pointed this out, the pictures stopped appearing. I hope that Mike is still getting lots of tea from nuns, even if he is too bashful to admit it.

Going down the food chain, we come to mere priests like Rosie and Jim (Rosica and Martin), Spider (Spadaro), and lesser forms of life such as Austen Ivereigh (the Voice of Catholicism), plus comedy vicars like "Rev" Kate Bottley, and professional atheists such as Owen Jones, Stephen Fry, and Richard Dawkins.

These people are already in the world to get as much publicity for themselves as possible, despite their incredibly limited talents, so let's not discuss them. But there is a surprise in the tail!

Could Spadaro be saved after all?

As a unique act of Mercy^TM, Fr Antonio Spadaro has recently unblocked me, along with a whole swathe of other saved persons. My own cynical theory is that he suspects that one of us is the great Marcantonio Colonna, author of The Dictator Pope, and he is watching us carefully to see who it is. I admit nothing.

Anyway, everyone knows that MC is really Fr Zuhlsdorf...

The Dictator Santa

The scandals surrounding Santa Claus show no signs of ending, and this week children were horrified to see that "Santa's Grotto" in the Rome branch of Vatico^TM featured a nude elf. Moreover, there were allegations of corruption at the North Pole, where Maradona the Gnome was rumoured to have had his hand of God in the till.

Did Santa really slap the heretic Fr James Arius SJ?

The public image of Santa Claus is of a perpetually cheerful man, and his recent exhortation Amo Risi Laetitiam ("I like the joy of laughter") contains many cheerful passages such as "Ho ho ho, ho ho ho" (ARL 1) and "I know if you've been bad or good, but if you've been bad don't worry, you'll still get Christmas presents" (ARL 351, Footnote). However, a new book The Dictator Santa suggests that behind his public image there lies a bad-tempered old curmudgeon who torments his reindeer and shouts at his elves.

How did Rudolph's nose get so red? Did Santa punch him?

At this most holy time of Santa Mass, we don't forget that the season has one true meaning - eat and drink too much, buy lots of expensive presents, and have a good time. So it seems churlish to attack the Holy Father Christmas, who symbolises everything that is important about December 25th.

Still, we should warn the faithful that questions are being raised about the leadership provided by the big man, and that something is rotten at the heart of the North Pole. Some say that the man who came down your chimney last night and kicked your cat is not to be trusted.

The College of Cardinals meets to elect a new Santa.

A happy Christmas to both my readers.

The Dictator Pope

A new book by Marcantonio Colonna has revealed that behind the image of Pope Francis as a humble, merciful, foot-washing, baby-kissing uncle there lies the heart of a fiend.

A chaplain who once mocked Pope Francis disappeared without trace.

Amongst the revelations in this startling book are the following:

* General Galtieri never wanted to invade the Falkland Islands in 1982, but simply wished to devote himself to breeding llamas. However, the rector of the Philosophical and Theological Faculty of San Miguel, one Jorge Bergoglio, pushed him into a costly war.

Francis issues threats against Fra' Matthew Festing's pet hamster.

* Pope Francis very humbly refuses to allow his friends to call him "Holy Father", preferring the term "Generalissimo Franco".

* Pope Francis refers to his Swiss Guards as the "Stormtroopers": there is a secret elite corps in the Swiss Guard that is responsible for assassinations.

Everyone fears the SG.

* The original title of Amoris Laetitia was Liber Terrae Dominationis - a manual of world domination - but the Pope was persuaded that this was too obvious.

* Two of the cardinals who submitted the Dubia to Pope Francis have died - as Oscar Wilde (or possibly Agatha Christie) put it, to lose one might be a misfortune, to lose two looks like a remarkable stroke of luck for someone.

Alt-comedian Steve Colbert swears allegiance to the Pope.

* All Jesuits are Licensed to Kill.

* Pope Benedict is being kept prisoner in an underground cell in the Vatican, emerging only for photo-opportunities with glasses of beer.

* The name "Francis" was chosen as a tribute to Francis Ford Coppola, the producer of the Godfather films.

"I like the hammer and sickle, but could you remove the religious bits?"

Of course, I haven't read the book yet, and it may be about something else entirely.

---

A joke. Anyway, so Pope Francis goes to confession, and the priest says "Let's cut this short, Holy Father. I've read the book."

Has the Second Coming already happened?

Today's Gospel explained that nobody knows when to expect Christ's Second Coming. The newly-discovered Book of the Prophet Iveriah presents one particular theory: What if the Second Coming has already taken place?

... and he will return to judge and insult the quick and the dead...

Only a fragment of the prophecy survives, but what there is, is fairly definite.

1. And when the Saviour returns he will appear in the humble town of Buenos Aires in the land of gauchos and corned beef.

2. And he will take control of his Church gradually, appearing in a cloud of glory - or at least, white smoke - having been led to the throne of Peter by the four horsemen of the Apocalypse - Murphy-O'Connor (Confusion), Martini (Scandal), Kasper (Heresy) and Danneels (Corruption).

3. His reign will on Earth will last for many years, and be a time of great trouble.

The St Gallen Mafia will make us an offer we can't refuse.

4. For he will explain the scriptures, and bring out new meanings that were never found by the previous occupants of the throne of Peter.

5. And his lowly servants, bearing the names Spadaro, Martin, Faggioli, and many others, will explain that doctrine has evolved, and that which was Gospel Truth in the land of Judaea two thousand years ago is no longer "hip", "cool" and "groovy" (in the language of Vatican II). In short it must be replaced.

6. Thus there will be a New Testament, to be called Amoral Latitude, which will deliver a new message, but in as confusing a way as possible.

7. For the Saviour will not wish that the theologians and moral philosophers go out of business, by actually saying something clear and unambiguous.

8. For what else can they do? They cannot dig, and to beg they are ashamed. So they must continue to preach.

And all the World will rejoice. Or not.

9. And there will come doubters unto the Saviour, who will ask him what he means, and whether he really intended to contradict all the previous occupants of the Chair of Peter.

10. And he will utter not a word in answer, while at the same time stressing in his speeches the importance of dialogue.

11. But he will privily let it be known that his words are Magisterial, and of course much more Magisterial than anything previously seen.

Offer does not apply to Cardinal Burke, the Filial Correction prophets, nor Fr Weinandy.

12. And people will speak out, saying "Surely he has gone mad?" and "Surely, he is an heretic?" and "What the Francis was all that about?"

13. But one day he will simply disappear, and the people will marvel, saying: "Was he really the Messiah, or did he just think he was?"