Tina Beattie gives a lecture

Welcome to Roehampton, everyone! I'm Tina Beattie, Professor of Catholic Studies, and Director of the Digby Stuart Research Centre for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing. So I am a very important authority on the Catholic Faith, whose views are very influential in Tablet-reading circles.

I'm a member of CAFOD's Theological Reference Group, author of the best-selling God's Mother, Eve's Advocate - Comedy Book of the Year, 2003 - and an unoffical adviser to the Polish Bishops' Conference. You can call me ``Holy Mother'', as I am the nearest thing the Catholic Church has to a female Pope.

"And I have an extensive library of theological texts."

Now, some of you are here to study for the priesthood, some are doing degrees in Catholic Studies, while others are brushing up their Human Flourishing Skills. A special welcome to the spotty girl in glasses, who is doing a degree in Nuclear Physics and Human Flourishing, and the man with bloodstains all over his white coat, who hopes to get a B.Sc. in Human Flourishing and Brain Surgery.

Time to brush upon your human flourishing!

In this lecture I'm just going to give you a flavour of the topics that we cover in this Catholicism 101 course. We'll start with my own Syllabus of Errors - a list of teachings that the Catholic Church has got wrong. Sometimes it's the fault of Pope Francis, sometimes they're traditional errors going back to the 12 Disciples, and sometimes we have to lay the blame squarely at the foot of Jesus Christ. Although since he was a mere Man we could not expect Him to be right very often, now could we?

God, by Beattie-celli.

Take Abortion, for example. Many female members of my class may find it helpful to have access to a safe and legal abortion at some stage - their children may not be so keen on being ripped to pieces, but, hey! you can't please everyone all of the time, can you? If you're male, then just accept that this human right is reserved to women only. I am still waiting to hear from the Polish Bishops' Conference about whether they consider the Catechism of the Catholic Church to be more authoritative than the teaching of a Professor of Catholic Studies with her own centre for Human Flourishing! Perhaps our letter got lost in the post?

Traditionally, Polish bishops know nothing about Catholic teaching!

Now some of you came here because you'd heard that I was an expert on mysticism and spirituality. I'll be teaching you the principles of circle dancing later, in a lecture called Knees Up Mother Tina! Others want to learn about the Mass, and why it is the metaphysical consummation of homosexual love. Well, it stands to reason, doesn't it? What else could it be about? Still, my book has more details!

To put it simply, this course should be seen as a quest to discover the primordial sacramentality of creation, with a particular focus on questions of gender, nature and embodiment. So, out goes all the stuffy old male Moses-Jesus-Peter-John-Paul all-boys-together Biblical stuff, and in come feminism, paganism, naturism (Lecture 12 is called Tina Bares All), and readings from the Guardian!

It's Biblical, but we don't see it in Catholic Masses, even in Westminster Cathedral, do we?

Now, in this week's assignment, I want you to take some well-known Christian teacher - perhaps Biblical, or one of those boring men like Augustine or Aquinas - and rewrite his thoughts from a feminist point of view. Identify his errors, and explain how by changing his words we can argue for a female priesthood, with me as Archgoddess. Be imaginative!

Judges

We continue with the Eccles Bible project, a crash course on the Bible intended for mad zoologists ill-educated atheists. Now, somewhere between 1400 BC and 1050 BC, we continue to study Israelite history, as they entrust their safety to a series of rulers, referred to as Judges.

Nowadays it's unlikely that a society would entrust itself to a judge.

Once again the basic theme is that Israel gets into trouble with its enemies, calls on God (Yahweh), and then gets itself out of the mess with the help of a new mighty leader.

It's hard to think that a mighty leader might be called Barak.

So Deborah and her side-kick Barak provide some memorable leadership, defeating the Canaanite armies led by Sisera; they are given useful help by Jael, who hammers a tent peg into Sisera's head.

It was considered unwise to go on a camping holiday with Jael.

Gideon is another mighty leader with a somewhat inappropriate name, but let's pass on that one, and take a look at Samson.

Samson (post-haircut) sings "Why, why, why, Delilah?"

Samson starts off as a sort of superhero, able to wrestle lions, slay an army with the jawbone of a donkey - somewhere there is a donkey wandering around whose braying skills are severely hampered - and knock down temples etc. But he is also amazingly STUPID, as when Delilah asks him for advice on how to take his strength away from him, he actually tells her. Yes, she gives him a "Damian Thompson" haircut.

... and if that doesn't work, you can always kill me with green Kryptonite.

Well, Richard, this book consists mainly of history (and some cracking good stories), but it's a bit light on spiritual nourishment, so don't worry too much about it. Although it starts with Adonibezek having his thumbs and his big toes cut off, and ends with the fate of the four hundred young virgins of Jabeshgilead, this is not really the point. The real Christian teaching will come much later, although the next book (Ruth) may turn out to be a bit more edifying.

Adonibezek is unconvinced.

An ecumanacle service

We was invitted to an Ecumanacle Servvice at de local Cathlic Churhc of St Daryll de Apostate. Dis is part of dere attemtps to make Cathlicism poppular wiv de pubblic, by gettin rid of old-fashoined ideas like God and Jessus, and opening de doors to Athiests, Wickans, Driuds, Aztecks, Muvver Earth-Goddess worshippers, etc. Dey weren't too keen on havvin any Chritsians or saved poeple like me, but I had to be dere cos my Anti Moly wanted to go, and I had to stop her makin an exhibitoin of herself.

Dey has iddles in St Daryll's Churhc as dey is Cathlics, and cant live wivvout dem, but dey said dat after Vattican II dey has taken out Jessus, Mary, Josseph, etc. and repplaced dem wiv Marie Stopes, Nelson Mandella, and Che Guevvara, wot is more in tune wiv contemporrary beleifs.

Dat's a jolly pitcher of an Azteck service wot is in de Spirrit of Vattican II, but we didn't have dat sort of fing todday. We had a powerful sermmon from Farver McDonut, de fammous eco-clerric, who had jetted in specailly from Cancan in Mexxico. He was tellin us dat Jessus wasnt as brihgt as poeple makes out cos He forgot to warn us of de two grate evils of our day, dat's globbal warmin and gennetically moddified foods.

Farver McDonut jetts round de world every week tellin poeple to minnimize dere crabon footprints, like de one above. As a ressult he has seen globbal warmin at first hand. He went to de Malldive Islands, and de probblem of risin sea levvels was so bad dat his hotel room got knee deep in water. Later he discovered dat he had left de tap on while prayin to St Albert de Gorey, so maybe fings aint so bad, I dunno. Farver McDonut is workin on a new translatoin of de litturgy where dey takes out hard words like "consubstantail" and adds a prayer sayin dat wind turbins is a pretty neat idea, cos dey niether toils nor spins, like it says in de Bibble.

Den we got a talk from de luvvly Sister Wendy of de Transvestite Nuns of Intollerance. She explaned dat in de Bibble it was made clear dat wommen was better dan men at most fings, e.g. negotiatin wiv serpents about friut suplies, givvin haircuts to strong men, knockin tent pegs frew dere freind's branes, and smashin bottles of perfum over Jessus's head.

Dat's a Bibblical womman, Jeal, wot we gotta fink of as a roll moddle for de moddern girl. Actaully it looks like Anti Moly in her yuonger days, tryin to attract de attentoin of Cradinal Pell.

In de 21st centurry, Sister Wendy said, it is a fact dat wommen is better dan men at crossword puzles, sowin on buttons, and changin nappies. Aint dat irrefuttable evvidence dat de Pop is a missorganist, cos he aint givvin way to de inevvitable demands from wommen for orddinatoin?

Well we sang lots of inspirrin hynms about lettin wommen have de rihgt to choose, how Jessus was a big sexxist, and dat Good and Evill is wot you wants em to be. Dem libberal Cathlics is certianly at de forefront of modern thoelogy.

St Daryll's is runnin a competitoin to write your own hynm: you gotta mentoin equallity and diversitty, inclussiveness, health and safety, multiculturalims, sustianability, etc. and keep off discreddited topics like faith, hope, charrity, sin, redemptoin and duty. I aint much good at dis - does annyone know a good rhyme for "Biodiversitty"?

I was lookin out of de winder of de churhc when I saw dis strangely familliar figger, wot seems to be spyin on de Cathlics. Could it be my dere bruvver Bosco de 8th degree freemasson warrlock on a specail missoin?