Tina Beattie thanks the blogosphere

Following a complicated and controversial discussion between respected and learned people (yes, really), such as Chalcedon 451, Joseph Shaw, and Mark Lambert, Professor Tina Beattie has issued a statement, thanking the Catholic blogosphere for pointing out that her letter to the Polish bishops might lead to a minor theological controversy about whether abortion could ever be consistent with Catholic teaching. The Polish bishops have been in a real quandary ever since they received the letter, signed by so many celebrity Catholics. Should they follow the Pope, the Magisterium, Catholic tradition, the Bible, God etc. or should one letter in green ink carry more weight?

"Have we been wrong all along?" asks Pope Francis.

Finally the balance was tipped when Vincent Nichols preached a pro-life sermon, so for the time being the Polish bishops are "staying put" with their patriarchal sexist misogynist attitudes.

The real debate centres on freedom of speech. Should a professor of Catholic studies be allowed to attack Catholic views? Actually, I don't see why not. If a professor of Physics wishes to write to the Royal Society claiming that E=mc² is wrong, and that it should be E=mc³, then nobody is going to worry about it, except those running nuclear power stations who decide to use the new formula and find that their power stations blow up. Likewise, a professor of French who announces that the French word for "cake" is "chapeau" will never be criticised, except possibly by silly people who end up eating hats in French restaurants.

Eating a delicious hat.

Tina's full title is "Professor of Catholic Studies and Director of the Digby Stuart Research Centre for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing". We don't see a problem with that. It doesn't mean that she teaches Catholicism, merely "Catholic Studies". Why, even Richard Dawkins has studied Catholicism - at a beginner's level - and come out against it. Then again, people who go to Roehampton are attracted to it because it is a world centre for Human Flourishing.

What they're wearing at Roehampton.

Others have sought to prise Prof. Beattie away from her exciting position as theological adviser to CAFOD. This is really only a problem if you take CAFOD seriously as a Catholic charity. Nothing to see here, move on.

Dear Polish bishops...

Oh look, your Eminence, we've been sent a letter written in green ink. It's addressed to "The male chauvinist pig bishops of Poland, c/o Cardinal Kazimierz Nycz, Warsaw, Poland, near Germany, Europe, The Earth, The Solar System, The Universe, Space the Final Frontier."

How the letter starts.

It seems to be signed by 97 concerned Catholic theologians, although some of the signatures are illegible, and some just say "X, Her Mark". They want us to withdraw our opposition to abortion.

There are some people I've heard of - look, a Professor Tina Beastie of Roehampton seems to be involved. You know what they say: Roehampton locuta est, causa finita est. It's going to be hard to stick to orthodox Catholic teaching if Roehampton's finest are against it.

Apparently, these people claim to be pro-life.

Herod was pro-life, since he only killed people under 2 years of age.

Any other names we recognise?

Well, there's a Professor of Moral Theology from Notre Dame. You know, the place that honoured Joe Biden recently. Could that be a misprint for "Immoral Theosophy"?

There's one here who simply describes herself as Maureen Crank, full-time troll, Altrincham. I think - it's hard to read the writing. Then there's a "hermit", writing from "5th cave from the left, Hans Küng Park, Nottingham".

"We must take these people very seriously," says Cardinal Nycz.

Ah yes, theologians, paediatricians, art historians, business trainers, the Editor in Chief of Spam magazine, ... oh we definitely have to consider overturning Catholic teaching when such people write to us.

The real danger is that some of these ghastly people may come and visit. We'd better let Fido out into the grounds in case this Beastie woman tries to drop in.

Fido.

Tina Beattie gives a lecture

Welcome to Roehampton, everyone! I'm Tina Beattie, Professor of Catholic Studies, and Director of the Digby Stuart Research Centre for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing. So I am a very important authority on the Catholic Faith, whose views are very influential in Tablet-reading circles.

I'm a member of CAFOD's Theological Reference Group, author of the best-selling God's Mother, Eve's Advocate - Comedy Book of the Year, 2003 - and an unoffical adviser to the Polish Bishops' Conference. You can call me ``Holy Mother'', as I am the nearest thing the Catholic Church has to a female Pope.

"And I have an extensive library of theological texts."

Now, some of you are here to study for the priesthood, some are doing degrees in Catholic Studies, while others are brushing up their Human Flourishing Skills. A special welcome to the spotty girl in glasses, who is doing a degree in Nuclear Physics and Human Flourishing, and the man with bloodstains all over his white coat, who hopes to get a B.Sc. in Human Flourishing and Brain Surgery.

Time to brush upon your human flourishing!

In this lecture I'm just going to give you a flavour of the topics that we cover in this Catholicism 101 course. We'll start with my own Syllabus of Errors - a list of teachings that the Catholic Church has got wrong. Sometimes it's the fault of Pope Francis, sometimes they're traditional errors going back to the 12 Disciples, and sometimes we have to lay the blame squarely at the foot of Jesus Christ. Although since he was a mere Man we could not expect Him to be right very often, now could we?

God, by Beattie-celli.

Take Abortion, for example. Many female members of my class may find it helpful to have access to a safe and legal abortion at some stage - their children may not be so keen on being ripped to pieces, but, hey! you can't please everyone all of the time, can you? If you're male, then just accept that this human right is reserved to women only. I am still waiting to hear from the Polish Bishops' Conference about whether they consider the Catechism of the Catholic Church to be more authoritative than the teaching of a Professor of Catholic Studies with her own centre for Human Flourishing! Perhaps our letter got lost in the post?

Traditionally, Polish bishops know nothing about Catholic teaching!

Now some of you came here because you'd heard that I was an expert on mysticism and spirituality. I'll be teaching you the principles of circle dancing later, in a lecture called Knees Up Mother Tina! Others want to learn about the Mass, and why it is the metaphysical consummation of homosexual love. Well, it stands to reason, doesn't it? What else could it be about? Still, my book has more details!

To put it simply, this course should be seen as a quest to discover the primordial sacramentality of creation, with a particular focus on questions of gender, nature and embodiment. So, out goes all the stuffy old male Moses-Jesus-Peter-John-Paul all-boys-together Biblical stuff, and in come feminism, paganism, naturism (Lecture 12 is called Tina Bares All), and readings from the Guardian!

It's Biblical, but we don't see it in Catholic Masses, even in Westminster Cathedral, do we?

Now, in this week's assignment, I want you to take some well-known Christian teacher - perhaps Biblical, or one of those boring men like Augustine or Aquinas - and rewrite his thoughts from a feminist point of view. Identify his errors, and explain how by changing his words we can argue for a female priesthood, with me as Archgoddess. Be imaginative!

My daughter is a Satanist: should I be worried?

Our agony aunt, Ella Rislim, answers your ethical questions for Crux.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter is obsessed with the occult, like many healthy nine-year-olds. Recently, she has been conducting seances in her bedroom, inviting Madame E. Curti, a local medium, to summon up the spirits of dead people. Last week, for example, she conjured up her Uncle Albert, Charlie Chaplin, and Mgr Basil Loftus (the last was rather a surprise until we realised that his soul had long since parted company from his body).

A perfectly normal interest for a young child.

So far there have been no ill effects apart from the fact that her bedroom smells strongly of ectoplasm and the cat has disappeared. Oh - and there was the unfortunate incident when her best friend encountered the demon Melbrinionon-sadsazzer-steldregandish-feltselior and was carried off down to Hell. We are faithful Catholics, regular readers of Crux, and great fans of Pope Francis. Do you see a problem with this?

Auntie Ella writes: It is good for children to have a hobby. Admittedly the Catholic Church warns against occultism, conjuring up spirits, cosying up to demons, and playing around with the supernatural. But after all, Tolkien was a Catholic, and nobody ever told him off for writing those books of his!

Tolkien - wrote about wraiths and spirits.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My teenage son Victor has started to take an interest in grave-robbing, and has formed a fine collection of body parts. He tells me that he is just one spleen and three bones short of making a complete monster, which he proposes to animate the next day we have a thunderstorm. As a pious Catholic who attends Mass every Christmas, should I feel concerned?

Auntie Ella writes: This is perfectly normal activity for a Catholic teenager. However, I should check that the wiring in your house is safe, as we don't want him to start a fire, do we?

The monster offers to help in the garden.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter Catherine sleeps in a coffin during the day time, and goes out only at night "for a drink", as she puts it. Also she keeps dozens of bats in her bedroom. I am worried that this pattern of behaviour is causing her to neglect her studies, and she may fail to get into Oxford University. As a faithful Catholic, what should I do?

Auntie Ella writes: Do not worry. If she can't make it into Oxford, she might try Roehampton.

An anxious moment waiting for A level results.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter has been reading Crux and taking advice from its agony aunt. Is this wise?

Auntie Ella writes: Er, well....

The Pilgrim's Ogress 9: The Ghost of Digby Stuart

Continued from Part 8.

The story so far: Eccles and his Aunt Moly are on a pilgrimage. Expelled from Portugal for harassing the Prime Minister while he was making an in-depth study of fish markets, they have arrived in Roehampton, near London. M.R. James takes up the story.

What secrets lie behind these doors?

It was, as far as I can ascertain, in August of the year 2014 that a post-chaise drew up one evening before the door of Digby Stuart College, the site of a former Sacred Heart community and school for girls in the handsome borough of Wandsworth. The two passengers in the chaise were a young man in a red biretta, together with a much older lady clutching refreshment in the form of a bottle of gin.

They produced their cards - their names were Eccles and Auntie Moly - and were admitted by a maid, and shown to their rooms; for they had determined on passing the night on the premises in order to investigate a series of mysterious happenings. At around three o'clock of the morning, the young man was woken by a loud scream of "Woeful!" from the room of his aunt, so he hauled himself out of bed, and rushed to her assistance.

He found the old lady gibbering incomprehensibly, her faced twisted into a loathsome caricature: this was exactly as he was accustomed to seeing her, so he was not particularly alarmed. "Eccles!" she cried. "I have seen the ghosts of two nuns. They were writhing restlessly and moaning 'Beware Tina.' They would not leave until I threw my false teeth at them. What can it mean?"

In happier times, saints would pass through Digby Stuart College.

Enquiries from the servants elicited the information that these two ghosts were frequently seen to haunt the college; they were said to be the spectres of Mother Mabel Digby and Mother Janet Stuart, who had founded the college in the nineteenth century. Perturbed by the wicked teachings to be found there, they were unable to rest in their graves.

"Who is this Tina?" asked Eccles. The maid replied that she was a professor at the college whose work centred on religion, society and human flourishing. More specifically, she was fascinated by sex - or at least the subjects of gender, sexuality and reproductive ethics, areas in which she had produced writings that drove most Christians up the wall.

Some pious Catholic girls being driven up the wall.

After further enquiries, it was determined that Professor Tina Beattie lived in a houseboat on the tidal Thames, where she watched birds - focusing particularly on their gender, sexuality and reproductive ethics - and even wrote a webbed log about them.

Many of her most notorious publications had been inspired by the ornithological world; for example, God's mother, Eve's Avocet and Ornithology After Postmodernity: Diving into the Void.

Eve's Avocet.

"You are doing important work here," commented the young man on his arrival at the houseboat. "Watching the birds and the changing tides, occasionally plunging bravely into the river for a swim."

"You think so?" replied the professor. "Do we not agree that there is a need for a new historically and materially rooted theology of the unity of nature and grace? I told the Pope that and he put the phone down on me."

"This is too deep for me," admitted Eccles. "However, you can perform a great service for the souls of Mother Digby and Mother Stuart, simply by staying on your boat, and mumbling to yourself about nature. I would say 'Forget Catholicism,' except that it seems from your writings that you have already forgotten it."

"I shall consider your words carefully," replied his hostess. "Out of the mouths of grebes and ducklings." Eccles blenched in horror as she dived into the Thames, emerging a few minutes later with a fish in her mouth.

Tina Bee-Eater.

To be continued.

Anti-Catholic professor has another meltdown

A well-known anti-Catholic professor has managed to outrage millions of decent people yet again. In a Guardian article for which it is said she received a fee of "approximately thirty pieces of silver", Tina Beattie contrived to have one of her famous meltdowns, showing her contempt for the Pope and the Catholic Church, while rejecting their teaching on contraception and abortion.

Look at me! Look at me! I'm rude and naughty!

Although her remarks were welcomed by the Guardian, the Tablet, and similar anti-Catholic organs, criticism came from an unexpected direction. Professor Richard Dawkins, the distinguished biologist, theologian, psychologist and poet ("There's not a bonnie bird that sings, But minds me o' my gene.") was unimpressed. "This lady is supposed to be a professor," he pointed out. "That is, a person universally respected for her erudition and dignity. She's just annoying Catholics in the hope that people will talk about her more. Perhaps she's got a book to sell; anyway, she's starting to give professors a bad name."

"I'll send her one of my professorial tee-shirts," says Dawkins.

Although Tina Beattie is "professor of Catholic studies" at Roehampton, this cannot be taken to imply that she is a Catholic, or that she supports Catholicism. After all, Professor Malaria, who holds the chair of Tropical Diseases, is not a supporter of tropical diseases: on the contrary, he regularly publishes hard-hitting "Diseases!? Arentchasickofem?!" articles in the Guardian.

Bishops: help the Justice for Tina campaign by inviting her to your diocese!

For those who gave up reading Tina's piece after five lines, on account of its clunky and turgid style, we are delighted to reprint the very last sentence, even if it is total gibberish:

How about a maternal church in which the shepherds smell of bruised, hurting and dirty women dying in childbirth?

Sounds great, eh? Still, this evening Tina Beattie was unrepentant. "Repentance? Isn't that a papist thing?" she said. "Not my cup of tea at all!"

Tonight's Television

The Vicar of Webly

It's not over until the fat bishop sings.

In tonight's episode of The Vicar of Webly, the Church of England is in crisis after a measure to appoint women bishops is narrowly defeated, and it is realised that they will have to keep taking votes every few months until they get the answer they were supposed to get.

Ambitious Geraldine, the Vicar of Webly, having set her heart on promotion to the cushy job of Bishop of Milton Keynes, is in no doubt where the fault lies. "After weeks of discussion and lobbying, the Church of England made the mistake of allowing two minutes of prayer before the vote," she says. "It is entirely possible that the Holy Spirit intervened at the last minute and blocked the measure. Now is it right that God should be allowed to intervene in a democratic process?"

The Holy Spirit - dragging Religion into Politics.

Meanwhile, the Catholic church rushes to sympathise with the Anglicans in their time of trouble. In a personal phone call to their new leader, Archbishop-elect Webly, Pope Benedict XVI makes the comforting remark, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

---

Duffy the Vampire-slayer

Duffy the Vampire-slayer

The Catholic church has problems of its own, as the spectre of Traditional Catholicism, believed to have been buried in the 1960s, begins to rear its ugly head once more. A foolish old woman called Tina finds herself harassed on all sides, simply for speaking up against the mysterious forces called Magisterium. Banished from San Diego, she takes refuge in a dreadful wasteland called Roehampton.

Now all eyes turn towards Duffy the Vampire-slayer, a clever history student, who decides to rescue Tina from the forces that assail her. He invokes the spectre of Cardinal Newman, a well-known liberal Catholic who wrote regularly about how same-sex marriage, women priests and abortion were necessary for salvation. Duffy calls Newman to his aid in the battle for the soul of the Catholic church, and the fight is on.

John Henry Newman, author of Apologia pro Tina sua.

Will Duffy rescue poor Tina, or will he too be destroyed by the sinister doctrine known as Orthodoxy?

Charity appeal on behalf of poor Tina

Notwithstanding our earlier Justice for Tina! campaign, the distinguished "Catholic" theologian, Professor Tina Beattie, continues to be left out in the cold.

Hello, is that the Tablet? Could you invite me to something? Anything?

After humiliation at the hands of Clifton Cathedral (where bouncers are still posted to keep her out), she has now been rejected by the University of San Diego's Frances G. Harpst Center of Catholic Thought and Culture. At this rate, she will be forced to spend most of her time in Roehampton, giving lectures and writing blogs, articles, and books. A terrible come-down indeed!

Tina Beattie's idea of the Mass.

The fact is that, after ten years, somebody finally opened Tina Beattie's monumental tome God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, and discovered that she had made a perfectly natural blunder - confusing the Mass (Matthew 26, for example) with an act of homosexual sex (Genesis 19, say). It's easy to do if you don't check your sources properly.

Then again, Tina's views on same-sex marriage, abortion, etc., are not likely to offend anyone except people of a religious disposition (oh, and many atheists too). Certainly they are not wacky enough to put her title of "Britain's Leading Catholic Moral Theologian" in dispute.

Luckily, some prestigious organizations are still offering invitations to Tina.

All we are asking today is for you to give a little of your time to help rehabilitate Tina. Wear a "Justice for Tina" armband. If you are a Catholic blogger (and who isn't these days?) add this "I love Tina" image to your blog.

A way to show your support for poor Tina.

And, if you are able to, invite Tina to come and give you a lecture. Get her to tell you how much she supports everything the Pope is doing for the Catholic Church. Ask her to give her famous lecture Why I hold life sacred, from conception to natural death; or, if you're not a religious organization but, say, a Rugby club or a stag party, ask her to speak on Some dirty thoughts you can have during Mass.

REHABILITATE TINA NOW!

The 2012 Tabloid Lecture

A longer and funnier version of the lecture appears here.

Catherine Popehater, Editor of the Tabloid comic (motto Ecclesia Contra Papam), was very pleased that Kaiser Wilhelm II agreed to give the 2012 Tabloid lecture. Last year, by mistake, we invited Vincent Nichols, who said that, on balance, he thought that poisoning the Pope was not the only possible answer to the problems facing the Catholic Church. This year, we have managed to find someone less conservative.

Robert Blair Kaiser.

These days, both wings of the Church are saying that the Second Vatican Council was a failure. I do not believe that this is true. For one thing, it allowed an obscure talentless journalist such as myself to make a career out of the Catholic Church's problems, just because I am a fluent Latin speaker.

I remember meeting Pope John XXIII just before the Council opened. "Hic, haec hoc!" I said to him, challengingly, and followed this up with "Mensa, mensa, mensam, mensae, mensae, mensa!" The Pope looked at me in a puzzled way, crossed himself, and moved on: it was at that moment that I knew I had influenced the Church in a way that would go down in history.

John XXIII - he had no answer to my arguments.

His predecessors, Pius XI and Pius XII, had campaigned against Evil. As an historian, Papa Roncalli knew what a risky business this could be. "No more moralizing," he said. I am sure he didn't want the Council to take sides in the so-called battle between God and the Devil.

As the Council opened, I sought out America's most famous Catholic preacher, Bishop Fulton Sheen. I expected him to be sleeping in a cardboard box under a railway bridge, but when I saw that he was staying in a hotel, I instantly knew that he was a reactionary. "This Council will be inspired by the Holy Spirit," he said.

"Never heard of Him," I retorted. "Can you tell me how to interview Him?"

Bishop Sheen merely smiled sadly, and I knew that we would be in danger, if the Holy Spirit - an unelected grandee - tried to interfere in the Council's decisions.

Fulton Sheen - did he wear gloves to avoid leaving fingerprints?

Well, you expect to see dinosaurs like Sheen when bishops are appointed by the Vatican hierarchy, instead of being democratically elected like police chiefs, in a free ballot in which atheists may also participate!

In the end, unlike the previous twenty Councils, in which some mythical person called "God" had played a key role, Vatican II was inspired directly by the 1960s ethos. The inspirational figures of the 1960s - people like Ronald Biggs, Jimmy Savile and Christine Keeler - were all to be found outside the Church oligarchy.

Christine Keeler, in prayer.

The Council changed the way we thought about God and the World. Indeed, Pope John and his Council made preliminary moves that helped end the Cold War - and, only 25 years later, Communism collapsed. (I make this comment since I am not pretending that the effects of the Council were always beneficial.)

Marxists reflect on the threat posed by the Council.

Before the Council, Mass had to be celebrated by a priest. Afterwards, nobody went to Mass anyway, so it didn't matter.

Before the Council, women were forbidden to attend Mass. Afterwards, they were freed from their bonds and allowed to participate fully in the life of the Church. The shock of this liberation drove some women insane with joy, and special caring arrangements had to be made: for example, Patient C was appointed editor of a Catholic comic, while Patient T was sent to sheltered accommodation in Roehampton.

Roehampton - a place where crazy people are respected.

Before the Council, Catholics were forced to read the Bible. Afterwards, they could read my best-selling books The Selfish Pope and The Pope Delusion.

Before the Council, we were sin-obsessed. Nowadays, Good and Evil are recognised as lifestyle choices, and nobody in the Church dares to say that one is better than the other. Before the Council, people spoke of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. Nowadays, we know that nobody will judge us, not even God.

Do we really see God like this, as a judge?

What we modernizing Catholics really hated was the Council of Trent (1545-1563). When announcing Vatican II, Pope John XXIII stated that the precepts of the Council of Trent continue to the modern day, but of course he wasn't serious. What could a bunch of medieval people know about sex and drugs, and rock and roll?

The Council of Trent. We hates it, we hates it, we hates it.

When Jesus addressed the multitudes on that hillside overlooking the sea of Galilee, he didn't tell them how to behave. He told them how to have fun. Jesus could have learned a lot from Vatican II - the Council told us what he should really have said. Which is as it should be.

Dr Eccles's casebook

We are pleased to be able to publish some of the casenotes of the learned psycho-analyst, Dr Eccles. Some of the names have been disguised in order to maintain patient confidentiality.

---

Stephen F.

Patient S is an alleged intellectual giant, although it is hard to determine a precise area of knowledge on which he is a world authority. In a St Trinians film, playing the part of a quizmaster, he managed to get wrong the formula for the volume of a sphere, so he is clearly not a scientist. Still, I went along with his belief that he is an intellectual, as he will run away to Belgium in a huff if he doesn't get his own way.

S came to see me because he had developed a compulsion for giggling at inappropriate things. He showed me a joke about child abuse (basically a picture of the Pope with a lewd caption added); he had tweeted this to his millions of adoring fans and spambots, simply in order to get a cheap laugh at the expense of the Catholic church.

Now add a clever-clever caption about child abuse.

I am exploring S's other mental deficiencies - for example, he thinks the word "bottoms" is hilariously funny - and trying to work out whether there is a common pattern. Meanwhile, I am advising him to avoid funerals, memorial services, mosques, churches and Liberal Democrat conferences, where unseemly sniggering may get him into trouble.

Doctor's note - do not let this patient pay by credit card.

---

Tina B.

Patient T is a real intellectual giant, being a professor, no less, at Roehampton University (formerly the Oona Stannard School of Liturgical Dancing for Young Ladies). She tells me she is a Professor of Catholic Studies, but her enemies say that she is a Catholic in the same way that the Professor of Animal Behaviour is a Cat.

T came to me in a very distressed state, saying that she was now a laughing stock in the Catholic world, because her very exciting lecture on Lumen Gentium - why the Virgin Mary teaches us that gay relationships are the best was cancelled by the Diocese of Clifton for no obvious reason. What is more, her Beattie-platitudes or "Beattietudes" (e.g. Blessed are ye if ye preach against the Pope, because Tina will love you) were not regarded as highly as the original teaching in the Sermon on the Mount.

Doctor's note - needs to cut down on the Tablets.

---

Will 'the smirk' come to haunt Thompson?

Patient D writes a universally-despised blog for a national newspaper, together with a dumbed-down Saturday column in which he strings together lots of trivial ideas. Currently he is editing the writings of the late Gladys Mills, which will appear next year as The Fit or The Gladys Mills fitness programme.

The quiet dignity of Mrs Mills, one of the greats of piano-playing

D has been mocked many times because of the ancient picture at the head of his blog. It shows a middle-aged character, wearing his old school blazer, whose expression has been variously described as "sneering" or "smirking." This grinning picture is used even on the rare occasions when D decides to treat a serious subject such as terrorism. Although not a compulsive sniggerer like S (q.v.) the patient D lacks that sense of self-awareness which should make him avoid such blunders.

Doctor's note - don't mention religion, it only upsets him.

---

This patient believes he is being attacked by a giant bird

Lastly, N came to see me. Claims to be some sort of politician. He is worried that everyone who disagrees with him on any subject at all may be a bigot.

I mentioned Gladstone, Asquith and Lloyd George. He had not heard of them, but I told him that they were leaders of the party that he now serves. In order to stop him from biting my carpet, I persuaded him that they were all pioneers in the "gay marriage" movement.

Diagnosis: I believe the patient may have Brown's Syndrome, under which a person gets hysterical if they are disagreed with.

Doctor's note - that's odd, someone seems to have thrown my laser-printer out of the window.