Bi-elzebub appoints Ka-Moloch as his running mate

As the battle of Armageddon draws closer, the demon candidate Joe Bi-elzebub has finally nominated Ka-Moloch as his running-mate. He had a rich field to choose from, although he had already stipulated that the successful candidate should be female, black-hearted and infinitely evil. Would it be Elizabeth Apollyon, Susan Baal, or even the joke candidate, Alexandria Occasional-Serpent?

"Small lives don't matter" Ka-Moloch, with her lunch.

In the end, it is Ka-Moloch who gets the job, possibly because she agrees with Joe Bi-elzebub on the main Catholic issues: they are both great fans of the family organization Planned Dismemberment, and they both believe that marriage can be between a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or - for the real eccentrics - a man and a woman.

POW! The bishop tells it as it is.

The battle of Armageddon is expected to be a close-run thing. St Maga and his angels have some faults too (saints are allowed to) - although for them the trend is probably heavenward rather than in the opposite direction - and so many pious Catholics (St James the LGBTSJ, St Massimo the Bean, and St Colbert the Jokeless) are still backing Joe.

I promised not to comment on Camela's Botox injections.

Anyway, now that Joe has got his sidekick sorted out, his only problem is to get elected before his wits fade away entirely put forward a positive Catholic agenda for Armageddon, containing lots of imaginative plans for the slaughter of innocents. Should be fun!

Author's note: If Joe was simply a psychopathic baby-killer, I wouldn't mind, but being a Catholic psychopathic baby-killer is too much.

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Addendum: an improved picture from @eoros1012.

Fatman and Martin the Boy Wonder

Theme music: Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Fatman! (arr. Marty Haugen).

The Caped Crusader

Over to Dolan Manor, just behind St Patrick's Cathedral in New York, where millionaire socialite Timothy Dolan is settling down to a light snack of lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam. His protégé, Jimmy, is using his "Boy's Own Engineering Set" to build a bridge, and painting it in rainbow colours to match the leotard he is wearing.

The phone rings, and Alfred the Butler (any suggestions?) answers it.

Alfred (nonplussed): The Riddler to speak to you on the Fatphone, sir.

Riddler: Here's a good one for you, Fatman! What do you call someone who promotes abortion, but who is still regarded as being of good standing in the Catholic Church? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Dolan: He's rung off. Quick - to the Fatcave! Maybe the Fatcomputer can help with this one.

Fatman's arch-enemy has a riddle for him!

In a flash, Dolan puts on his robes and becomes Fatman! Likewise, Jimmy is now Martin the Boy Wonder! They slide down a specially toughened pole, and arrive in the Fatcave!

Fatman: There's a message on the Fatcomputer, Boy Wonder! It says that Governor Cuomo of Godless City has signed a new abortion law. Also I've got 50 people on Twitter asking me why I don't excommunicate him!

Martin: What? And make yourself unpopular? Think of all those parties and dinners you'd miss if you started standing up for Catholic values! Play your cards right, and my friend Stephen Colbert will invite you on his show.

Fatman: Exactly. Well I'll just block these troublemakers on Twitter. Hmm, one's called Eccles. I wonder who that is?

Martin: Look! Here's some real crime, Fatman! A Covington schoolboy has been seen aggressively standing silently wearing a red MAGA hat, while national hero Big Chief Flaming Pants Magua was quietly banging a drum in his face. Magua says "I wanted to scalp um, but he wear red hat. Me, big national Vietnam hero, fire many arrows at Vietcong when only 5 years old."

Excommunicate him for smirking!

Fatman: Sounds bad, Boy Wonder.

Martin: Can we excommunicate him, Fatman? Please, please, please! Bishop John Stowe says that it was Hitler who invented the red hat, and nobody wearing one can possibly be pro-life.

Fatman: Oh, we really shouldn't get involved, Boy Wonder. So, back to the Fatkitchen now! I'm hungry!

A national hero.