Battle of Armageddon expected to be close

Tuesday's battle in the United States of Armageddia is expected to be a close-run thing. St John's predictions in the book of Revelation will no doubt be broadly accurate, although he got some of his information from the National Catholic Reporter, America, and the Tablet, so it cannot all be relied upon.

The Apocalypse (or possibly a Black Lives Matter demonstration).

In particular, the Last Trump - the 7th trumpet of Revelation 11:15 - is not to be interpreted literally as a musical instrument, more as a large orange man with a powerful voice. He is backed by St Michael of the Pence (Rev. 12:7).

St Michael discusses politics with "Cardinal" Wilton Gregory.

Pitted against the Trump are the false gods Bi-elzebub and Ka-moloch, slayer of babies. These are backed by a great red dragon (Rev. 12:3), which in some translations is called Pachamama. I am not sure who this refers to, but if you see any friends of Pachamama attacking the Trump, then do let us know.

Ka-moloch, by @eoros1012.

The Trump has vowed to Make Heaven Great Again - a bit over the top here, as many people would say it is great already - while Bi-elzebub's teachings are confused (the last message we heard was "Trunalimunumaprzure", a mantra which, if repeated enough times, is said to reduce one's enemies to gibbering wrecks).

Anyway, the ground's in tip-top condition, and we can look forward to a first-rate Apocalypse tomorrow.

Bi-elzebub appoints Ka-Moloch as his running mate

As the battle of Armageddon draws closer, the demon candidate Joe Bi-elzebub has finally nominated Ka-Moloch as his running-mate. He had a rich field to choose from, although he had already stipulated that the successful candidate should be female, black-hearted and infinitely evil. Would it be Elizabeth Apollyon, Susan Baal, or even the joke candidate, Alexandria Occasional-Serpent?

"Small lives don't matter" Ka-Moloch, with her lunch.

In the end, it is Ka-Moloch who gets the job, possibly because she agrees with Joe Bi-elzebub on the main Catholic issues: they are both great fans of the family organization Planned Dismemberment, and they both believe that marriage can be between a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or - for the real eccentrics - a man and a woman.

POW! The bishop tells it as it is.

The battle of Armageddon is expected to be a close-run thing. St Maga and his angels have some faults too (saints are allowed to) - although for them the trend is probably heavenward rather than in the opposite direction - and so many pious Catholics (St James the LGBTSJ, St Massimo the Bean, and St Colbert the Jokeless) are still backing Joe.

I promised not to comment on Camela's Botox injections.

Anyway, now that Joe has got his sidekick sorted out, his only problem is to get elected before his wits fade away entirely put forward a positive Catholic agenda for Armageddon, containing lots of imaginative plans for the slaughter of innocents. Should be fun!

Author's note: If Joe was simply a psychopathic baby-killer, I wouldn't mind, but being a Catholic psychopathic baby-killer is too much.

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Addendum: an improved picture from @eoros1012.

Sir Michael versus St Michael

Sir Michael Palin, by and large a very funny comedian and all round nice guy (yes, I've even met him), has objected to the medal that goes with the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George, as he finds it offensive to see St Michael stamping on the head of Satan. (The medal was redesigned a few years ago to make Satan white rather than black, because everyone knows that Jesus is black but Satan is white. Ask Justin Welby.)

The earlier form of the medal.

"It would be much nicer to see St Michael shaking hands with Satan, perhaps even offering him a cup of tea," explained the great man. "As a veteran of Monty Python, Ripping Yarns, etc., I have made it my lifetime's work not to offend people. Rudeness, blasphemy, naughtiness - they were always right out!"

A tasteful inoffensive scene from The Life of Brian.

"As a celebrity, it is my duty these days to stand up for religion," continued St Sir Michael. "Now that Christianity has more-or-less disappeared - at least in the circles I mix in - we have to remember the great Commandment that Black Lives Matter and White Lives don't. In point of fact, I don't wear my medal in public, only in the bath, and no one ever sees it. But if they did see it... well, nobody expects the BLMish Inquisition!"

As seen in Sir Michael's Ripping Yarns, and not likely to offend anyone.

We tried to contact St Michael about his scandalous habit of stamping on the head of the Devil, but we were unsuccessful (as Piers Morgan put it, "Just because he's an Archangel, he thinks he's too grand to come on my rotten television programme"). Likewise, our attempts to contact Pope Francis in order to get the saint de-canonized were unsuccessful - apparently he has a backlog of rigid traddy saints that he has to sack first. Too bad.

Enough of this filth!

The Catholic Bishops' Conference corrects the Pope

Most Holy Father,

With profound grief, we are compelled to address a correction to Your Holiness on account of the propagation of heresies effected by the apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia and by other words, deeds and omissions of Your Holiness.

An English bishop addresses a fraternal correction.

Actually, we didn't want to do this, as we were hoping to stay in your good books long enough to get Vincent Nichols some preferment, and make him a strong candidate for the papacy when the next conclave comes round. The St Pancras Mafia were already standing by to promote his case and throw dirt at Sarah, Tagle, and all the other contenders... However, the time has come to speak out.

So, let's get down to business. Amoris Laetitia simply doesn't go far enough. We bishops are simply not being told whether we should allow people to divorce and re-marry, and then take communion. You need to speak out and say that we should scrap marriage completely: this would be a ``correction" of the New Testament, but worth it, we feel.

They say AL is Thomist and Jerryist, but it seems to have hit you in the face.

We must also take issue with your use of language such as "rigid", "fomenter of coprophagia" and "fundamentalist" to describe those who don't share your modernizing views. THIS IS PATHETIC. Our cardinal comes from Liverpool, the land of Archbishop Warlock, who would have described these b******s as b****y ****-eating b*****s! That's telling them!

Also, some complaints must be made about your evident fondness for Lutherism. Isn't this unfair to our friends in the Church of England (if ever there was one holy, Catholic and apostolic church, then that must be it!) not to mention. Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, etc.?

The answer to Lutherism!

Finally, what about same-sex marriage and abortion? It seems clear to us that you disapprove, which means that your views are indistinguishable from those of that arch-Tory Jacob Rees-Mogg! When he was being attacked by the secular media, certain reactionary bishops such as Egan and Davies, more inspired by the New Testament than the Tablet, went as far as supporting him.

However, the vast majority of us took a more pragmatic view and said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, following Jesus's words, "Blessed are ye when ye do not offend people, as then ye will not lose your friends!" Nobody is ever going to be sure what we believe, especially when we get Stonewall to write documents for the Catholic Education Service!

Sorry, Holy Father, you've let us down, and if Cormac were alive now he'd be turning in his grave!

Signed: most of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales.

Hillary demands back her soul

Following her unsuccessful campaign to be the first woman president of the United States of America, Hillary Clinton has sent a stern e-mail to the demon Mephistopheles demanding the return of her soul.

A young Hillary negotiates a deal for her soul.

The arrangements promised by the demon included the presidency for her husband (delivered), all the women he wants for her husband (delivered, although some of the women weren't too keen), vast quantities of money to be spent on anything she chose (delivered, via the Clinton Foundation), and finally the presidency for herself (not delivered).

"I did not have sexual relations with those 500 women."

Many people had suspected that Hillary's soul was no longer her own, having seen her fanatical hatred for unborn children - and her support of the Plant Parenthood "Buy your loved one some baby parts for Christmas" organization - the disgusting "Spirit Cooking" habits of her friends (unmentionable in a blog like this, which is read by innocent children and priests), and her general dishonesty.

That embarrassing moment when your dinner guests insist on discussing politics.

So what went wrong? Well, there came into the world a modest, virtuous, chaste, and holy being called St Donald of Trump, who fought the evil dragon Hillary and captured the presidency from her. He thus made America great again, and brought the dawn of a new era of prosperity and world peace, and an end to famine and disease. (I've copied this from a press release, but I am sure that St Donald is being scrupulously honest here).

However, demons are completely unreliable, and should not be trusted, and so it is unlikely that poor Hillary will get a refund.

St Donald of Trump slays the dragon.

As a side-effect, we learn that Fr James Martin SJ has finally "got religion" - at least his reaction to the events was to say "Lord, have mercy!"

Dat sockpoppet relligion

My grate-anti Moly says dat sockpoppetry is a Cathlic fing, and so Bosco sent me to a Cathlic mass to see if dat was reely the case.

So I went incoggnito to de church of de Sacrred Socks of St Micheal. I was met by a saintly pollite courtoeus man who gave me a hynm book, and said he was a laywer who worked for de internattional firm of Cutley, Butley and Mutley. He asked me a strange quetsion, viz, "How manny poeple is you gonna be todday?" Dat's odd. Usaully when we goes into de Calumny Chappel dey asks a much simpler quetsion, viz, "Is you saved, bruvver?"

I went into de churhc, and de service was given by a costume holly man who said he was de Bishopp of Bennidrom. He startted de Mass, although he went off to de vesttry after a while, probbably to kiss an iddle. Dis is a pitcher of de Bishopp of Bennidrom.

Later on I remmember a disgustin old lady takin de collecttion, carryin a broom stick wiv which she kept hittin poeple. She was wearin a pointy hat and looked just like my Anti Moly. Anuvver person I spotted in de church was bein a bit of a trubble-maker, frankly. When one of de costume holly men said "Lift up your hearts," he said "No I won't. ROFL." Then when de preist said "The Mass is ended, go in peace," de man said "No it isn't. No I won't. Twist and Shout."

To my astonnishment at the end of de Mass I realissed dat de laywer, de bishopp, de old lady and de trubble-maker was all de same person. In fact, thinkin about it I now realises dat nearly everryone in de churhc had bin goin out and comin in in different disgiuses (dere was annuvver one who dressed up as Stallin, den he came back wavin a cricket batt, dat confussed me, as we doesnt have dem in de Calumny Chappel, if we needs to chasstise kids we uses baseball bats).

Dey explaned it to me dat since God is 3 pussons (de Trinnity), de Cathlics fink dat dey shuold also be 3 pussons as well. My Anti is certianly wanted by de cops in Enggland, Austriala and de USA under de names of Judy, Alfie and Moly, so I asked her if she was plannin to become a Cathlic. Now I got her flase teef embedded in my leg, dat probbably means no.

I luvs my dere Anti so here is a new photto of her.