Anglican church tries a "God" experiment

This summer, the Reverend Francis Heppenstall, Anglican Vicar of Twing, has decided to try something new in order to attract congregations to his church. Instead of touristy gimmicks, he is planning to conduct a new type of service in which Christianity will play a major part.

Out go the crazy golf courses. In comes God!

The Church of England's main role, since the Reformation, has been to make it easier for people to divorce their wives and, if necessary, to behead them, but it has always tried to focus on FUN as well (after all, Henry VIII was a keen crazy golf player, as well as a sex maniac). That future saint, John Henry Newman, in his Anglican days, published various tracts on "Let's take religion seriously," but in the end he gave up his Anglican mission and became a Catholic instead.

Out go the helter skelters. Is nothing sacred?

Said Mr Bertram Wooster, a parishioner of Father Heppenstall, "The jolly old Anglican in the pew wants more than just funfairs and circuses; so we have asked old Heppers to liven up things with his forty-five minute sermon on Brotherly Love. That's the sort of thing to give the troops!"

It will be interesting to see whether this new "God" experiment will succeed in attracting the crowds back to Anglicanism. Many have already joined Cardinal Newman in the Catholic Church, where clown Masses, puppet Masses, and LGBT Masses are providing the spiritual nourishment they require. Heppenstall does have the surprising backing of Giles Fraser, the celebrity "loose canon," who is also considering the introduction of hymns and prayers as an alternative to coconut shies and "pin the tail on the donkey." It seems possible, therefore, that this innovation may catch on: we'll keep you informed.

An end to lunar gimmicks in our ancient cathedrals?

Rude words in church

This is loosely based on a real incident.

Dear Fr Arthur,

Being a man of advanced years (36), I sometimes drop off in your sermons. To my horror, I awoke at one moment and distinctly heard you say the word "knickers". To the best of my knowledge I have never heard such bad language in a church service before. If you are referring to something in the Bishop's Letter, then a little respect is needed, don't you think?

Fr Arthur uses a rude word.

Eccles, you moron,

My sermon was about refugees, and I was encouraging my parishioners to donate much-needed gifts to the "jungle" at Fraseur St Gilles, near Dunkirk. These would include any spare pullovers, knickers, tins of beans, Eccles cakes, pet hamsters, rowing-boats, guns, and copies of Enid Blyton's The Famous Five discover Transgenderism that you may have. But no sausages.

May I remind you that these days social awareness is more important than religion, and so we don't talk about God in our homilies.

A mysterious photo in the Catholic Herald.

Dear Luke Coppen, Editor of the Catholic Herald,

What exactly is a wee box? Is it what we used to call a toilet cubicle? And why should the Herald print a photo of Mrs Sturgeon inaugurating some?

No reply was received.

Walking on custard.

Dear Graham James, Anglican Bishop of Norwich,

Could you explain this photo of you jumping up and down on a tray of custard? Is it an attempt to ingratiate yourself with the great Damian Thompson, custard correspondent of the Spectator? Or is it merely a new liturgical dance?

CWACOTS - a new dissident Catholic group

The Catholic Church was rocked to its foundations today as a new pressure group, CWACOTS - Catholics Without A Chip On Their Shoulder - was announced.

A chip-free zone.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols has met with this new rebel group, and declared himself baffled. "I offered them the use of Westminster Cathedral for gay masses, and the Brompton Oratory for clown masses, but they just said they weren't interested," he said.

So what do CWACOTS, who refer to themselves as the "silent majority" really want? It seems that they simply want to get on with being Christians - loving God and their neighbours - without being messed around by troublemakers.

Some CWACOTS members admire Paul Inwood - but others are music-lovers.

CWACOTS is attracting a large number of people with rather diverse views: some favour the Novus Ordo, and others prefer the Extraordinary Form of the Mass. Few, however, are demanding liturgical dancing, homilies from teenage girls who have just been to India, or services where you are invited to turn to your neighbour during the Communion and tell her all about the spots on your leg.

"I just don't know what to do with such people," admits Vincent Nichols.

So what do CWACOTS members make of Pope Francis? "I think we'll wait until he says something officially," says one representative. "Interviews with dopey journalists, most of whom who don't speak proper Italian, who fall asleep half-way through, and then make up the rest, probably carry slightly less authority than a good solid encyclical." CWACOTS members - shockingly - also tended to trust their parish priest (and even their bishop) to clarify any details of doctrine, rather than relying on what they read in the Daily Mail or the Tablet.

Are you asking for Church teaching to be changed on abortion, same-sex marriage and the ordination of women? "No, thanks. Moral theology is a science you know, we don't expect the rules to change every few years, as if they were drawn up by a bunch of half-witted biologists who got it wrong the first few times!"

"I heard that!"

When asked about the challenges facing Christendom at present, CWACOTS members showed themselves to be genuine rebels: refusing to admit that getting rid of all authority, seizing power, and making doctrine an "every man for himself" matter was truly urgent, they preferred to point to the fact that 95% of Christians east of Suez have now been massacred, and that most of the third world is dying of hunger and disease.

Eccles writes: we apologise for this bitterly satirical - some would say bullying - article, but there is no place in any Christian church for people with such outlandish views.

A Catholic cathedral: why don't you find CWACOTS members demonstrating here?