The Book of Covidicus 14: the Road Map

Continued from Chapter 13.

1. Over the next month, the children of Bri-tain were mightily vaxed, some with the AstroLogica vixen, and some with the Pfizicians' vixen.

2. And much was the dispute over which vixen (if either) was safe.

3. In the end it was agreed that both vixens were dangerous for anyone over the age of two score and ten years or under the age of three score years. So all men were equally content.

A new hope.

4. Then Bo-sis thought deeply and came up with a "Smashing Wheeze, Chaps!" However, his advisers counselled him to give it another name, and so he called it a "Road Map".

5. For it was a brilliant plan, by which the children of Bri-tain could be led from the swamps of Covid into the promised land of milk and honey (beer and crisps would also be available).

6. So as springtime arrived, the people rejoiced, for they were now permitted to sit in each other's gardens and watch the rain fall.

"Alas, your Majesty, only six people may attend your garden party."

7. But woe betide them if they entered the houses of their friends: for if they did they would be cast into the deepest dungeons.

8. Moreover, they were not permitted to flee the country, even to return to the land of EU-gypt: for the only people who could come to Britain must travel in the boats of rubber in order to seek refuge from the evil tyrants of EU-gypt, Ursula of Lebanon and Emmanuel Macrabaeus of the Frenchites.

9. So the children of Bri-tain, who wished above all to go to the houses that were called public, studied the Road Map of Bo-sis to see what new liberties would be granted to them.

10. And they rejoiced to see that soon they would be allowed to have their hair cut, to buy non-essential goods such as clothes, and to hold lavish weddings with fifteen guests.

11. Indeed, for many months the children of Bri-tain had grown their hair, dressed in rags, and remained unwed. So that in fact most of the people now resembled Bo-sis himself.

"My brother Bo-sis is an hairy man. And now I am an hairy man too."

Continued in Chapter 15.

The refugee Pope

A Christmas appeal.

At this time of year, our thoughts naturally turn to the plight of refugees, and I want to highlight the case of Jorge, an Argentinian priest.

Jorge fled to Italy about six years ago, changed his name to Francis to evade the Argentinian Secret Service, TANGO, and has since been unable to go home. If he returns to Argentina, he is likely to be arrested and asked all sorts of embarrassing questions about his activities there. So he has been working in Rome, in an administrative job that is clearly beyond him, waiting for the day when he will be able to return home.

Jorge (masked for his own protection).

Jorge's religion is a simple Pachamama-based worship, as is usual for the indigenous people of South America. However, he has been under severe pressure to adopt the right-wing imperialistic colonialist fascist Catholic religion, as founded by that not-very-Socialist man Christ, who is styled the "King" by his followers, rather than a humble "Comrade" or "Citizen Jesus".

Pachamama bishops refuse Communion as they don't believe in it.

Jorge wants nothing more to live a humble lifestyle, perhaps taking aeroplane trips once a month to destinations worldwide (not Argentina!), being addressed as "Holy Father", and worshipping in his own unique manner, making up doctrine whenever he feels like it. Is it too much to ask for your support here?

Rude words in church

This is loosely based on a real incident.

Dear Fr Arthur,

Being a man of advanced years (36), I sometimes drop off in your sermons. To my horror, I awoke at one moment and distinctly heard you say the word "knickers". To the best of my knowledge I have never heard such bad language in a church service before. If you are referring to something in the Bishop's Letter, then a little respect is needed, don't you think?

Fr Arthur uses a rude word.

Eccles, you moron,

My sermon was about refugees, and I was encouraging my parishioners to donate much-needed gifts to the "jungle" at Fraseur St Gilles, near Dunkirk. These would include any spare pullovers, knickers, tins of beans, Eccles cakes, pet hamsters, rowing-boats, guns, and copies of Enid Blyton's The Famous Five discover Transgenderism that you may have. But no sausages.

May I remind you that these days social awareness is more important than religion, and so we don't talk about God in our homilies.

A mysterious photo in the Catholic Herald.

Dear Luke Coppen, Editor of the Catholic Herald,

What exactly is a wee box? Is it what we used to call a toilet cubicle? And why should the Herald print a photo of Mrs Sturgeon inaugurating some?

No reply was received.

Walking on custard.

Dear Graham James, Anglican Bishop of Norwich,

Could you explain this photo of you jumping up and down on a tray of custard? Is it an attempt to ingratiate yourself with the great Damian Thompson, custard correspondent of the Spectator? Or is it merely a new liturgical dance?

Giles Fraser agrees to accept a refugee

Canon Giles Fraser, vicar of St Mary's, Newington, Guardian columnist, Thought for the Day star, Moral Maze pundit, and all-round liberal, has finally been persuaded to accept a refugee into his home.

Giles Fraser walking in St Mary's churchyard

The refugee in question, Don Al-Trump, is a man who feels persecuted in his own country because of his beliefs (specifically, that banning Muslims is the answer to all problems); nevertheless, it was thought that he would not be able to find refuge in the UK. Father Giles, however, is living up to his Christian principles, and has promised to welcome the stranger ("and they don't come much stranger than Donald!" he quips).

Will Don's wig also be allowed asylum?

"I'm not one of those hate preachers you come across, who want to ban people from the country because of their beliefs," explains Canon Fraser. "Admittedly, I'd prefer someone who was more gay-friendly and less driven by his religious faith, but you can't have everything."

It is expected that Don Al-Trump will lead a fulfilling life in London until he manages to settle down and find a job. At "Loose Canon Towers", he will have access to several million old copies of the Guardian together with Thought for the Day recordings going back to the 1960s, so a spiritually nourishing lifestyle awaits him. It is expected that tonight Fraser and Trump will attend a boxing match featuring Tyson Fury - both are great fans of Mr Fury, not least because he is clearly a man of deep religious convictions.

Psalm 47, sung regularly in St Mary's, Newington

Giles Fraser appointed Bishop of Calais

Following his trip to the refugee camp near Calais, and his triumphant appearance on Songs of Praise, it has been revealed that Father Giles Fraser has been appointed to the prestigious position of Anglican Bishop of Calais.

The new bishop will also play in goal for Calais Eritreans.

Said the Right Reverend Bishop-elect: "For too long, our clergy have been leading a very comfortable life, spending much of their time appearing on Radio 4 or writing trashy articles for the Guardian. I intend to give a lead here, by living in a simple bishop's tent and devoting myself to those who are desperate to escape from France. Which is most people."

The gendarmes give a traditional tear-gas welcome to Christian marchers.

The existing church in the camp, St Michael’s, is Ethiopian Orthodox, and as such does not share all of Giles Fraser's religious views. "What the place needs is an alternative Christian viewpoint," says Fraser. "I appreciate that convincing the locals of the virtues of socialism and same-sex marriage may be something of an uphill struggle here. In fact, every time I open my mouth people rush away saying 'Sorry, I've got a train to catch'."

"Allo, allo!" Giles Fraser encounters Brother Bosco of the Calvary Chapel.

So does this mean an end to Fr Fraser's media appearances? Well, alas not. He has already been signed up for Radio Quatre's daily intellectual slot, Je suis un évêque, je pense pour vous, as well as the comedy show Le labyrinthe moral; and he is expected also to write a regular feature for Le Gardien's Comment ça va? So no change there.