Mogg "the wrong type of Catholic"

Criticism of Jacob Rees-Mogg continued to flood in today, after it suddenly became clear - to people who must have spent the last few years in the Burmese jungle or somewhere - that he was the wrong type of Catholic.

"Sorry, leaving dismembered mice on the floor is against my religion."

Said one commentator, Suzanne Moron of the Guardian: "Of course to us modern liberals, the word Catholic is synonymous with bigot, but we might be prepared to tolerate him in public life - say, as a cleaner at the House of Commons - if he would only repudiate his views on marriage and abortion. It's six times now that his wife has failed to do her civic duty and have a termination."

A distant relative, Sadiq Rees-Mohammed, M.P. for New Damascus (formerly the London Borough of Hackington), joined in the criticism. "When I went on the Piers Morgan show and was asked whether I supported the decapitation of infidels and the chucking of gays off the roofs of buildings, I explained that my religious views were a personal matter, and that put an end to the discussion! It would have been an Islamophobic hate crime to press me further!"

Sadiq Rees-Mohammed.

Peter Sutcliffe of the British Serial Killers Advisory Service agreed. "This 'pro-life' attitude of Mogg's is frankly, disgusting. When I was active in public life as the Yorkshire Ripper, I never felt that human life was valuable, so why should he? What a bigot!"

Rees-Mogg was defiant today. "Frankly, I'm not keen on stealing, false witness, and adultery, either," he confessed. "This does make me exceptional among MPs, where expenses-fiddling, lying, and extra-marital affairs are rather expected. The Whips keep asking me if I am feeling all right."

The traditional way of dealing with religious bigots like Rees-Mogg.

Pope Francis was unavailable for comment, but one of his key advisers, Cardinal Cupich, commented: "The last thing the Church needs at this time is Catholics who actually believe in something. I myself have never fallen into that trap! No, give me an atheist, or a Catholic like Piers Morgan, every time!"

Saturday Live

Welcome to Saturday Live with me, Richard Coles, and Sian Williams. As usual we have a dazzling array of remarkable guests, who we've invited in to tell their extraordinary stories.

Father Coles.

Today I'm meeting some grossly-misunderstood people who have suffered a little "brouhaha" in their lives. So I'm pleased to welcome:

Dennis Nilsen, cook, civil servant and Muswell Hill murderer; 
Rosemary West, housewife, mother and serial killer;
Ian Brady, the Moors murderer; and
Peter Sutcliffe, HGV driver and Yorkshire Ripper.

Now, moving as I do in fashionable liberal circles, I sometimes find myself challenged by old-fashioned Biblical teaching, such as "Thou shalt avoid brouhaha," and I expect my guests will have something to say on the subject!

Fun for all the family!

Dennis, perhaps you'd like to start! Were you shocked by all the fuss made about your infringements of the law?

DN: Yes, indeed, Richard. People focus on my serial killing without mentioning the fact that I am able to bake fantastic home-made chocolate eclairs.

RC: Yes, such an obsession with your extra-curricular activities does seem to be uncalled-for. Well, I love chocolate eclairs too. Rosemary, do you have any good recipes you'd like to share with us?

Guess which serial killer made this delicious eclair!

RW: Well not really. I only accepted your invitation to come on this programme because I was told that I'd be meeting Kermit Gosnell. He's a real hero of mine.

RC: Sorry, Rosemary, we couldn't get him. He's been booked to do Thought for the Day, instead. Now, Ian, I gather you're interested in fell-walking...