"Sorry, leaving dismembered mice on the floor is against my religion."
Said one commentator, Suzanne Moron of the Guardian: "Of course to us modern liberals, the word Catholic is synonymous with bigot, but we might be prepared to tolerate him in public life - say, as a cleaner at the House of Commons - if he would only repudiate his views on marriage and abortion. It's six times now that his wife has failed to do her civic duty and have a termination."
A distant relative, Sadiq Rees-Mohammed, M.P. for New Damascus (formerly the London Borough of Hackington), joined in the criticism. "When I went on the Piers Morgan show and was asked whether I supported the decapitation of infidels and the chucking of gays off the roofs of buildings, I explained that my religious views were a personal matter, and that put an end to the discussion! It would have been an Islamophobic hate crime to press me further!"
Sadiq Rees-Mohammed.
Peter Sutcliffe of the British Serial Killers Advisory Service agreed. "This 'pro-life' attitude of Mogg's is frankly, disgusting. When I was active in public life as the Yorkshire Ripper, I never felt that human life was valuable, so why should he? What a bigot!"
Rees-Mogg was defiant today. "Frankly, I'm not keen on stealing, false witness, and adultery, either," he confessed. "This does make me exceptional among MPs, where expenses-fiddling, lying, and extra-marital affairs are rather expected. The Whips keep asking me if I am feeling all right."
The traditional way of dealing with religious bigots like Rees-Mogg.
Pope Francis was unavailable for comment, but one of his key advisers, Cardinal Cupich, commented: "The last thing the Church needs at this time is Catholics who actually believe in something. I myself have never fallen into that trap! No, give me an atheist, or a Catholic like Piers Morgan, every time!"
