Mogg "the wrong type of Catholic"

Criticism of Jacob Rees-Mogg continued to flood in today, after it suddenly became clear - to people who must have spent the last few years in the Burmese jungle or somewhere - that he was the wrong type of Catholic.

"Sorry, leaving dismembered mice on the floor is against my religion."

Said one commentator, Suzanne Moron of the Guardian: "Of course to us modern liberals, the word Catholic is synonymous with bigot, but we might be prepared to tolerate him in public life - say, as a cleaner at the House of Commons - if he would only repudiate his views on marriage and abortion. It's six times now that his wife has failed to do her civic duty and have a termination."

A distant relative, Sadiq Rees-Mohammed, M.P. for New Damascus (formerly the London Borough of Hackington), joined in the criticism. "When I went on the Piers Morgan show and was asked whether I supported the decapitation of infidels and the chucking of gays off the roofs of buildings, I explained that my religious views were a personal matter, and that put an end to the discussion! It would have been an Islamophobic hate crime to press me further!"

Sadiq Rees-Mohammed.

Peter Sutcliffe of the British Serial Killers Advisory Service agreed. "This 'pro-life' attitude of Mogg's is frankly, disgusting. When I was active in public life as the Yorkshire Ripper, I never felt that human life was valuable, so why should he? What a bigot!"

Rees-Mogg was defiant today. "Frankly, I'm not keen on stealing, false witness, and adultery, either," he confessed. "This does make me exceptional among MPs, where expenses-fiddling, lying, and extra-marital affairs are rather expected. The Whips keep asking me if I am feeling all right."

The traditional way of dealing with religious bigots like Rees-Mogg.

Pope Francis was unavailable for comment, but one of his key advisers, Cardinal Cupich, commented: "The last thing the Church needs at this time is Catholics who actually believe in something. I myself have never fallen into that trap! No, give me an atheist, or a Catholic like Piers Morgan, every time!"

German bishops recalled in mission scandal

The company Volksbischof has been forced to recall its entire stock of Catholic bishops, after tests proved that they had been deceiving people about the quality of their missions. In everyday situations there was a distinct whiff of sulphur about their teachings, which the bishops successfully concealed whenever they were inspected closely.

Unholy smoke! A German bishop leads his flock astray.

Said a spokesman, "I have had my doubts about the Kasper 2.0 and the Marx 1.6 for some time. I was also concerned that if I drove them in hilly countryside, they would rush out of control down a slippery slope without any hope of stopping. From now on I'm getting a steady reliable Burkemobile!"

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Meanwhile, in other news, Cardinal Vincent Nichols has been trying to answer this question: What do the Catholic church's most devoted members believe? As a "process of discernment", the bishops of England and Wales have been taking soundings and the results are shocking.

According to the survey, 90% of Catholics are dissatisfied with the Church. But there's more!

Vincent Nichols looks for loopholes in the Bible.

90% of the most devoted Catholics are members of ACTA, the organization for stirring up dissent in the Catholic Church.

90% of the most devoted Catholics are Tablet readers.

90% of the most devoted Catholics never attend Mass, except for special "gay" masses.

90% of Catholics are still whingeing about the word "communion" in the new translation of the missal.

90% of the most devoted Catholics want Vincent Nichols to be the next pope.

90% of the most devoted Catholics are over 80 years old.

Indeed, 90% of the most devoted Catholics say they would be happier as Protestants.

Cardinal Nichols believes that the survey is statistically meaningful; if so, then the inescapable conclusion is that the Catholic Church needs to drop its pretence of being "religious" and become a secular charity with aims similar to Stonewall or BPAS. You read it here first.

Are you being radicalised?

After the startling revelation that Jihadi John's real name is Mohammed Emwazi - and not George Galloway after all - we must each ask ourselves "COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME"?

Little Mo. Bad breath, not potty-trained until he was 15, ugly, but otherwise normal.

Little Mo was, by all accounts, a saintly boy who hardly ever pulled the wings off butterflies or stuck pins in frogs. However, all the other kids mocked him, and so it was natural for him to grow up to be a serial killer and sadist. Still, some say that his personality changed when he ran into a goal post - a clear sign that football can be a radicalising influence.

We have this tribute to Little Mo on the authority of CAGE, one of the few apologists for terrorists to have charitable status. As Lord Carlile so profoundly puts it, CAGE needs to make clear they reject murder. Apparently, this is something the Charity Commission insists on (except, arguably, in the case of the BPAS). Even the National Trust has decommissioned all its weapons of mass destruction.

CAGE fighting is not as glamorous as you might think.

So if CAGE could give us 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence, it would be much appreciated. Permanent silence would be even better.

Now, are YOU being radicalised? Did your mother tell you to tidy your bedroom when you were a child? Did the girl/boy/camel you invited out to the pictures tell you that you were a boring toad smelling of urine? Did the bus-driver refuse to stop when he saw you? Did it rain yesterday? Do you think that Britain's foreign policy is a disaster (actually, this is a perfectly normal point of view)?

The Satanic State's Jihad Johnnie models a burka (don't ask why).

These are all danger signs. Are you thinking of changing your name to Crusading Chris, Fighting Freda, Warring Wally, or Holy Smoke Moly? (Of course you won't use the name Mohammed, as nobody will take you seriously.) Have you been looking up Ryanair flights to the Levant (nearest airport Beirut, then hitch a lift)?

Of course, this post is mainly addressed to our younger readers, especially the more stupid of them, but the "call" can come at any age. Even 80-year-old ladies have a role to play in the Satanic State, if they are vicious and sadistic enough. After all, murdering hostages doesn't require much skill or strength.

Hell's Grannies - Teresa, Michelle, Joan and Erica - head for the Middle East.

Now, if you feel you are being radicalised (what we used to call "p*ssed off with life"), we urge you to take it gently. Start by campaigning for a party that wants to turn Britain upside-down, such as the Greens, or Respect, or the Monster Raving Loonies. If this doesn't satisfy your radical ambitions, you could try studying the works of great thinkers such as Russell Brand, or Giles Fraser. Nothing too aggressive. Got that? Great.

Thou shalt kill

Many readers have asked me "What the blazes did the Supreme Court think it was playing at when it ruled that two Catholic midwives would be obliged to supervise abortions carried out by their colleagues? Is it not a complete travesty of the Commandment that says 'Thou shalt not terminate'?" (We don't use words like "murder" or "kill" any more, as that might give the game away.)

Thou shalt kill.

Lady Hale explains: "We are the Supreme Court, and there is a clue in the title. Theologians will tell you that the Supreme Court is the Court of Heaven, and the Supreme Judge is God. This proves irrefutably that I am God, and I have a right to change the definitions of Good and Evil to suit myself."

Actually, as Deputy President of the Supreme Court, Baroness Hale of Richmond is only entitled to be called Deputy God, and God Himself is called Baron Neuberger of Abbotsbury. Still, He wasn't involved in this decision, and the power of life and death has devolved to Brenda Hale (or Jehovah Hale, as she should really be known).

Judge Eternal, throned in splendour...

It is expected that the Supreme Court will come out with further decisions in the near future, all designed to foster the culture of death. Lifesavers will be ordered to drown people; workers for the Samaritans will be ordered to tell people "Your situation is beyond help: go and top yourself, you time-wasting moron." Doctors, who used to swear a Hippocratic Oath all about maintaining ethical standards, will be encouraged to kill helpless babies in the womb - oh, I'm sorry, that one already happens, I'm told. But of course doctors will also be asked to swear a Shipman Oath (Shippocratic?) undertaking to bump off a regular quota of old people.

Protecting children? You're doing it all wrong.

Then again, lollipop persons (as above) will be asked to push children under buses, and mountain rescue services will be told to employ St Bernard dogs carrying cyanide. Finally, as the great Fr Hunwicke has observed, those who worked in Nazi concentration camps were only obeying orders, and we know what a wonderful job they did.

Oh Brenda, Brenda, Brenda! BPAS and the National Secular Society think you are wonderful, so I wouldn't dare call you an evil woman destined for Hell (or, more charitably, a loopy old bat). Whatever I might think.