"Sorry, leaving dismembered mice on the floor is against my religion."
Said one commentator, Suzanne Moron of the Guardian: "Of course to us modern liberals, the word Catholic is synonymous with bigot, but we might be prepared to tolerate him in public life - say, as a cleaner at the House of Commons - if he would only repudiate his views on marriage and abortion. It's six times now that his wife has failed to do her civic duty and have a termination."
A distant relative, Sadiq Rees-Mohammed, M.P. for New Damascus (formerly the London Borough of Hackington), joined in the criticism. "When I went on the Piers Morgan show and was asked whether I supported the decapitation of infidels and the chucking of gays off the roofs of buildings, I explained that my religious views were a personal matter, and that put an end to the discussion! It would have been an Islamophobic hate crime to press me further!"
Peter Sutcliffe of the British Serial Killers Advisory Service agreed. "This 'pro-life' attitude of Mogg's is frankly, disgusting. When I was active in public life as the Yorkshire Ripper, I never felt that human life was valuable, so why should he? What a bigot!"
Rees-Mogg was defiant today. "Frankly, I'm not keen on stealing, false witness, and adultery, either," he confessed. "This does make me exceptional among MPs, where expenses-fiddling, lying, and extra-marital affairs are rather expected. The Whips keep asking me if I am feeling all right."
The traditional way of dealing with religious bigots like Rees-Mogg.
Pope Francis was unavailable for comment, but one of his key advisers, Cardinal Cupich, commented: "The last thing the Church needs at this time is Catholics who actually believe in something. I myself have never fallen into that trap! No, give me an atheist, or a Catholic like Piers Morgan, every time!"