"Name that Pope" World Cup

There has been too much speculation over who will be the next man in the hot seat - from seven lists that I have seen, the most-nominated people are:

Erdő, Parolin 6,
Tagle 5,
Turkson, Zuppi 4,
Besungu, Bo, Eijk, Pizzaballa, Prevost, Sarah 3,

so it probably won't be any of those.

Time for another Pope Linus?

Instead, we're holding a World Cup to see whether we can guess the name that the next Pope will take. The obvious choice is Eccles, but in fact the 24 nominees are:

Adrian
Alexander
Benedict
Boniface
Clement
Eugene
Felix
Francis
Gregory
Innocent
John
John-Paul
Julius
Leo
Martin
Nicholas
Paul
Peter
Pius
Sergius
Sixtus
Stephen
Theodore
Urban

and if we are quick we can get a decision in time for the white smoke.

Some people will never be happy.

---

SEMIFINALS

John 48.9 v Leo 51.1

Clement 40.4 v Gregory 59.6

FINAL

Leo 50.0 v Gregory 50.0

A dead heat. Let's leave it as that. The next pope is going to be Leo XIV or Gregory XVII (unless he's not very good at Roman numerals).

ADDENDUM: Well, those who said Leo XIV got it right!

Emperor Nero, pray for us

Rome, 68 AD.

St James Martin (James the least of all), a very well known disciple with many followers, today offended Christians by maintaining that the late Emperor Nero was in Heaven, and should be asked to pray for everyone.

Nero was a man of many talents.

St James moaned: "We killed him. WE ARE ALL GUILTY. Nero* lives matter!"

* Italian for "black". Neat, eh?

The Emperor Nero was of course a very good Catholic, having spoken at length with both St Peter and St Paul before having them both executed. In a later era he would definitely have supported the Jesuits, and it is not surprising that St James believes he went straight to Heaven. Nero's sex life is said to have been a little complicated, but he was known as a prominent member of the LGBTSJ community, and a great fan of St James's Epistle to the Newyorkians, "Building a bridge".

St Linus, the current pope, is said to be less enthusiastic about Nero, regarding his burning of Rome as a serious cause of climate change, but it is generally accepted that St James, no matter how heretical, lewd, or plain bonkers his views may be, is beyond criticism.

Lookalike.

"You know, Judas Iscariot is probably in Heaven too..." continued St James before being led off to a luxuriously padded cell.

Special Bishops' questionnaire

We are now publishing a questionnaire, labelled "Ten questions that will help to shape the future of our church", which the Catholic faithful have asked their bishops to answer.

Wrong again, bishop. On to the next question?

1. Today is All Souls Day. How will you mark it? 
 (a) EF Missa Cantata with music from Cherubini's Requiem. 
 (b) NO Clown Mass with liturgically correct purple custard 
down the trousers.
 (c) I'll be practising my liturgical dancing.

At least it solves the problem of overweight bishops.

2. What is your attitude to popes?
 (a) Respect for his office, and loyalty to the Magisterium.
 (b) All popes from Peter to Benedict were terrible, but 
Francis brings a new dawn. The Tablet says so.
 (c) Best ignored. What I say in my diocese goes.

St Linus, as a child. Later, a typical traddy pope.

3. A hard-working highly-respected blogging priest in your diocese 
is grossly misrepresented by a third-rate local newspaper. 
How do you react?
 (a) Instantly apologise for what he said, although you 
haven't read it. 
 (b) Turn up to help at his soup kitchen as a sign that you 
support him.
 (c) Ignore the whole thing. It's his problem, not yours.

Could I have some more gruel, please, Bishop?

4. The churches in your diocese serve as:
 (a) An unrivalled opportunity for commercial redevelopment.
 (b) Centres at which the faithful can meet for worship.
 (c) Good places at which to pick up a copy of the Tablet.

Perhaps the Church needs to issue Clubcards as well.

5. Which of the following Catholic organizations do you support?
 (a) ACTA, Gay Pride, Quest.
 (b) The Calvary Chapel, the Orange Order, the Wee Frees.
 (c) None of the above.

Which bishop is behind the mask?

6. When you send your bishop's letter out, what happens to it?
 (a) The priest reads it out in a silly voice, rolling his eyes.
 (b) It is listened to with the respect due to a wise leader.
 (c) I send it out on DVD, together with a video about planned 
church closures.

Sometimes, reading out the letter is delegated to a more appropriate person.

7. What is your attitude to the sacrament of Confession?
 (a) It's OK to make up any old rubbish.
 (b) It is essential for Catholics to be absolved from their sins 
and to receive God's grace.
 (c) We don't really believe in sins these days, so I have 
cancelled it.

This confessional is no longer in use.

8. What comments do you hear when you sit in your Cathedra?
 (a) The bishop's here - now I know what a crook looks like.
 (b) I can't wait for us to be Sede Vacante again.
 (c) None at all (a trick question - you're not supposed to 
chat in church).

Bishops and crooks have always gone together.

9. What are your views on the ordination of women?
 (a) The new pope's not paying too much attention, so I've 
already slipped in half a dozen under his guard.
 (b) It is impossible.
 (c) My call is a fact, but some Pope in a hat,
     Closed discussion on that, and now he's in my way.

Anglican, I think, but never mind.

10. Which is your favourite hymn?
 (a) Shine, Jesus, shine.
 (b) Alleluia Ch-Ch.
 (c) Salve Regina.

Paul Inwood (L) explains how to sing the "Salve Regina Ch-Ch".