This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 2 November 2013

Special Bishops' questionnaire

We are now publishing a questionnaire, labelled "Ten questions that will help to shape the future of our church", which the Catholic faithful have asked their bishops to answer.


Wrong again, bishop. On to the next question?

1. Today is All Souls Day. How will you mark it? 
 (a) EF Missa Cantata with music from Cherubini's Requiem. 
 (b) NO Clown Mass with liturgically correct purple custard 
down the trousers.
 (c) I'll be practising my liturgical dancing.
bishops dancing

At least it solves the problem of overweight bishops.

2. What is your attitude to popes?
 (a) Respect for his office, and loyalty to the Magisterium.
 (b) All popes from Peter to Benedict were terrible, but 
Francis brings a new dawn. The Tablet says so.
 (c) Best ignored. What I say in my diocese goes.

St Linus, as a child. Later, a typical traddy pope.

3. A hard-working highly-respected blogging priest in your diocese 
is grossly misrepresented by a third-rate local newspaper. 
How do you react?
 (a) Instantly apologise for what he said, although you 
haven't read it. 
 (b) Turn up to help at his soup kitchen as a sign that you 
support him.
 (c) Ignore the whole thing. It's his problem, not yours.
More gruel please

Could I have some more gruel, please, Bishop?

4. The churches in your diocese serve as:
 (a) An unrivalled opportunity for commercial redevelopment.
 (b) Centres at which the faithful can meet for worship.
 (c) Good places at which to pick up a copy of the Tablet.
Tesco church

Perhaps the Church needs to issue Clubcards as well.

5. Which of the following Catholic organizations do you support?
 (a) ACTA, Gay Pride, Quest.
 (b) The Calvary Chapel, the Orange Order, the Wee Frees.
 (c) None of the above.

Which bishop is behind the mask?

6. When you send your bishop's letter out, what happens to it?
 (a) The priest reads it out in a silly voice, rolling his eyes.
 (b) It is listened to with the respect due to a wise leader.
 (c) I send it out on DVD, together with a video about planned 
church closures.

Sometimes, reading out the letter is delegated to a more appropriate person.

7. What is your attitude to the sacrament of Confession?
 (a) It's OK to make up any old rubbish.
 (b) It is essential for Catholics to be absolved from their sins 
and to receive God's grace.
 (c) We don't really believe in sins these days, so I have 
cancelled it.
Toledo station

This confessional is no longer in use.

8. What comments do you hear when you sit in your Cathedra?
 (a) The bishop's here - now I know what a crook looks like.
 (b) I can't wait for us to be Sede Vacante again.
 (c) None at all (a trick question - you're not supposed to 
chat in church).
Bishop and crook

Bishops and crooks have always gone together.

9. What are your views on the ordination of women?
 (a) The new pope's not paying too much attention, so I've 
already slipped in half a dozen under his guard.
 (b) It is impossible.
 (c) My call is a fact, but some Pope in a hat,
     Closed discussion on that, and now he's in my way.
Bishop Sarah

Anglican, I think, but never mind.

10. Which is your favourite hymn?
 (a) Shine, Jesus, shine.
 (b) Alleluia Ch-Ch.
 (c) Salve Regina.
Paul Inwood Salve Regina

Paul Inwood (L) explains how to sing the "Salve Regina Ch-Ch".


  1. My head hurts, bruvver Eccles.

    U should have mad ur questionniary easier to understand.

  2. Is it OK to answer in less than 2000 words, and without pretending to be a Bishop ?

  3. Darling eccles - can I add the usual commentary?

    Mostly a) You is approved by de only Cardinal over seven foot and will get a red hat as soon as the Nuncio is sacked.
    Mostly b) You is Farver Arfur and I claim my £5
    Mostly c) Where has you bin all this time - compulsory Tablit readin' for you my son.
    xx Jess :)

    1. Very good, Jess. In fact I was more sutble and de "best" answers aint always (c), but I like de commentary.

    2. I knows, but you is too suttle for me sometimes :) x Glad you liked them though :) x

    3. Darling eccles, where did you get that picture of me with the hat on - haz you been working for de Noos of de world on the side? xx Jess

  4. But we've only got two "special Bishops".......Brother E.

  5. There are many ways to be a clown! #justsayin

  6. This questionnaire needs to be more complicated. If you really want someone to fill out a questionnaire it has to be really a massive chore to do so, otherwise, they might not bother.

  7. Dear Sir,
    I welcome this huge, imaginative, and welcome step to consult us cretins. For years, we have been dismayed at the oppressive hierarchy not consulting us. Now they have taken this huge, imaginative, and welcome step, let us not be critical, but instead see it as another revolutionary opportunity to demolish the whole edifice.

    Of course, I recognise that we should listen to and understand the diverse views of our comrade ACTA members, who see this questionnaire as a trick by the dictatorship in Rome. But remember that collaboration is not easy and this is the Vatican’s first attempt to stop being unreasonable.
    The survey instructions clearly show that we need only answer questions that are relevant to our agenda and ignore anything too religious.

    The best policy for ACTA is to officially welcome this initiative, and help make it work for our glorious socialist project. Down with Big Brother Pope!

    Yours, etc.
    Winston Smith,
    Tunbridge Wells ACTA

  8. Paul N Wood was explaining in that workshop (photo above) how to build a mobile Cranmer Table when there are no more NO temples left.

  9. Paula also wrote special hymns for the occasion "Cranmer of my life" and "Words without end". Thanks Paula.

  10. Q.11 Will the next pope be a.) a liberal modernist; b.) a postmodernist or c.) The Archbishop of Canterbury?

  11. I am confussed. The Anonymous Folwer blog on your sidebar has a picture of Cardinal Sarah, and she looks nothing like the pickser you have used.

    1. Well spotted. De luvvly lady does seem to have changed a bit since de photo was taken.