Death of a god

Today we have an exclusive interview with Archbishop Charles Anne Andrew Edward, the head of the Prince Philip religion in the New Hebrides, also known as Vanuatu. As is well-known, Prince Philip was regarded as a god over there, and his demise was a good excuse for us to talk to the archbishop.

A sad day for the Philippians.

Archbishop: What are you doing here?

Eccles: You invited me.

Archbishop: Well, you didn't have to come! (As the divine Philip put it.)

Eccles: Your grace, could you tell us something about your worship of Prince Philip?

Archbishop: Yes, we use a liturgy based on the wise sayings of our god. For example, we would start a service with words something like this:

Priest: Prince Philip be with you.
Congregation: You managed not to get eaten then?
Priest: Aren't most of you descended from pirates?
Congregation: You're too fat.
Priest: Do you still throw spears at each other?

Eccles: So what will you do now that your god is dead?

Archbishop: We are moving from a Vetus Ordo worship of Prince Philip to a Novus Ordo worship of Prince Charles. My man Annibale Bugsbunni is looking for the new god's memorable sayings, but all he has come up with so far is "To get the best results you must talk to your vegetables" and some stuff about carbon dioxide, organic muesli, and monstrous carbuncles. Annibale has a difficult task on his hands.

Eccles: Well, good luck with that. Archbishop, thank you very much.

Believers of every religion unite!

Pope Francis: I would like to remind you that on 14 May, believers of every religion are invited to unite themselves spiritually in a day of prayer, fasting and works of charity, to implore God to help humanity overcome the coronavirus pandemic.

And what a response we're seeing. Not many Catholics, admittedly, as when Pope Francis asks them to do something, they will usually do the opposite. So it's a holiday from prayer, a time to feast like Cardinal Dolan, and we shall see no works of charity - the sick, the poor, and those in trouble can jolly well take care of themselves for a day.

But other religions are not so stubborn.

May Prince Philip save us from the virus!

Jim, of the Yaohnanen tribe of Vanuatu (formerly New Scunthorpe) is in no doubt that his God Prince Philip, although not recognised by the Catholic Church, will come to his aid and drive his mighty four-wheeled chariot over the demon Flu Manchu. Eccles: They're not cannibals, are they? Editor: No, although they sometimes have their relations for dinner. Jim is very impressed by Pope Francis's ecumenical outreach, although obviously for him there is no god but Philip.

And now hymn number 44, "Give me your heart tonight."

Massimo, a leading Aztec theologian, is also very enthusiastic about the Pope's call to prayer, and he has sharpened his knife specially for the occasion. "Now is a time for all believers to come together," he says. "There are only minor theological differences between us, and these should not stop us from seeing the common ground. After all, even the Anglicans are also taking part, and they don't believe anything at all."

May Pachamama protect us.

Lastly, we spoke to Shaman Austen of the cult of Pachamama. "If the Pope were not a Catholic, then I am sure that he would enter into full membership of our church," he explained. "Like him, we are South American in origin, sceptical about some of the claims of Christianity, and fascinated by the way that Mother Earth is suffering from carbon footprints, plastic straws, and the eternally youthful Greta Garbage of Sweden."

So there we have it. Get praying - it doesn't matter which God you choose, so why not try a different one just for a change? All praise be to ... please fill in as necessary!

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Late news: Brentwood leads the way. What a fine collection of idols!

Where's Alexander Tschugguel when you need him?

God announces retirement

Following the lead of Prince Philip (95), who is regarded as a god by the people of Vanuatu, God the Father Almighty (regarded on this blog as the only true god) has also announced His retirement at the age of 6021 plus infinity.

The Bishop of Vanuatu.

A spokesman said, "Most of God's best work was done in Old Testament times, when floods, smiting, fire and brimstone, plagues of boils, etc. were expected of a god. Now that love, mercy and general niceness have come into fashion, He feels it is time to let His Son take a more prominent role in things for a few millennia, taking a back-throne. In preparation for this, the family business was rebranded as Christianity two thousand years ago, rather than יהוה (which, frankly, only appealed to the Israeli market).

The destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Now regarded as a homophobic hate crime.

Other religions have found it difficult to persuade their deities to perform public functions, such as state visits, opening of supermarkets, etc. Prince Philip has always been willing to utter words of wisdom such as "You're too fat to be an astronaut," "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough?" and "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" but other gods have remained relatively silent. Only Pope Francis can match Prince Philip's ability to fire off insults at the faithful.

To take another example, Allah, although he started promisingly by dictating an exciting book to Mohammed, all about what a jolly good idea it would be to smite the infidel, has not given much evidence of following up on this, and indeed promises of sherbet and virgins in Paradise have been referred to the Advertising Standards Authority.

The tiger god - believed to be in retirement already.

Recent events in the Vatican have suggested that even letting God the Son run things is a bit old-fashioned, especially since His teaching on marriage etc. has been questioned by so many high-up Catholics (the Anglicans abandoned it long ago, along with the idea of a male priesthood). That only leaves one member of the Trinity waiting in the wings: letting the Holy Spirit drive for a while would have the great advantage that He (or She, according to the great theologian Fr James Martin SJ), has never actually said anything "rigid" in black and white: thus anyone can make up his own doctrine. Indeed, this is already happening.

Praying to be declared a "hate crime"

Following the news that the distinguished atheist Richard Dawkins has suffered a mild stroke (fear not, he will soon recover, and the only after-effects will be an inability to speak coherently, so no change there)... following this news, the Church of England, together with other organizations, has encouraged people to pray for Richard and his family (Romana, K9 the dog, and his hive of honey-bearing bees). The main argument from the Christian perspective is that Richard needs a bit more time to get his act together before going to meet his Maker, so let's give it to him.

The arch-troll of Canterbury, deliberately offending atheists.

However, supporters of Dawkins have accused such Christians of trolling, and it is clear that the only way this situation can be resolved is if praying for atheists is declared to be a "hate crime". Police will be given the powers to raid private homes and confiscate laptops in the search for prayer lists and other evidence of "hate prayers".

Already it is considered culturally insensitive to wish people "Happy Christmas", rather than "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings", and those of my readers who annually send Richard Dawkins a card saying "May you have a Holy and Blessed Christmas you silly old goat" should stop that sort of thing.

Personally, I welcome prayers from Christians. If people with less refined beliefs wish to pray to stone idols, sacred donkeys or Prince Philip, then I promise not to be offended.

"O Prince Philip, bless thy servant Dawkins, we pray!"

In other news, it has been revealed that a genuine Christian, Dan Walker, has been appointed to host the BBC's prestigious breakfast show Get off the sofa, you lazy slob, and go to work.

This is a controversial appointment since not only is it virtually certain that Mr Walker is guilty of hate crime (praying) in his spare time, but also, since he is a Christian, he must believe that snakes can talk, that wine-making is done by pouring water into large pots, and that the blind can be cured by having mud rubbed into their eyes. No doubt also he believes in the great Sky Fairy, which no intelligent person has ever done - well, except for Shakespeare, Newton, Leonardo da Vinci, Beethoven, Tolkien, ... oh make your own list.

Clear off! We want someone impartial like Stephen Fry!

A guide to Britain, part 1

A few weeks ago there was a comment on Father Z's blog, saying that one of its readers found this blog spiritually nourishing - that may not have been the exact terminology used - but didn't often know who we were talking about. So we propose a step-by-step guide to the main religious and anti-religious figures in Britain. With luck you will be able to spot a Tina Beattie at 50 paces, to take cover when you hear a Richard Dawkins ranting, and to understand obscure jokes about druids and Rowan Williams.

The first Englishman is an easy one to identify.

Evidence that Christ is an Englishman.

It's generally agreed that God is an Englishman, and that the original version of the Bible is the King James Bible (later translated into Hebrew, Greek, etc. and hidden in caves in the Middle East). So far, so good. No Americans (etc.) will have any trouble with that one.

David Cameron explains to the Queen and Archbishop Welby where Heaven is.

Second only to God, as far as many English are concerned, is Her Majesty the Queen, Supreme Governor of the Church of England. Although she is the top spiritual being for Anglicans, many of her most important duties are delegated to the Prime Minister (David Cameron) or the Archbishop of Canterbury (Justin Welby). Note that the Church of England was founded in order that Henry VIII could have six wives - nowadays, this would be called "showing mercy to him" - and it has been a tradition ever since for the British sovereign to have six husbands or wives where possible.

Three of the Queen's six husbands.

The main rival to the Anglican Church is of course the Catholic Church, which kindly supplied most of the beautiful medieval buildings that Anglicans use, leaving the ugly buildings for itself. It currently has one non-retired non-disgraced cardinal in Great Britain, namely Vincent Nichols, Archbishop of Westminster. Now "Vin", as he is affectionately known, has always done his best to reflect the mood of the pope of the time, so much so that he might be a model for the legendary Vicar of Bray. When Pope John-Paul II was reigning, Vin was saintly; when Benedict XVI took over, he became intellectual and orthodox; under Francis he is confusing and rather liberal ("gay masses" etc.) - a worthy companion to Kasper, Baldisseri and Danneels at the forthcoming synod.

Pope Francis encounters four spiritual giants. ++Vin is on the left.

While we're surveying the "Premier League" of religious figures, we cannot forget the World's Greatest Atheist, Professor Richard Dawkins. Variously described as "a genius", "barking mad", "a complete moron", "Dr Bonkers", "gives atheists a bad name", etc., he is a controversial figure, and presumably well-known overseas. Now in retirement, his 24/7 presence on Twitter screaming insults at Catholics and Muslims has not prevented him from producing Volume 2 of his memoirs, called "Brief Candle in the Dark", which I suppose we ought to blog about some time.

A young Richard Dawkins does something brainy that proves the non-existence of God.

To be continued.

The Great Reformer: Christ, the radical Messiah

We are finally able to publish a review of Austen Ivereigh's new book The Great Reformer: Christ and the Making of a Radical Messiah, which has caused so much controversy. Since his surprise appointment in December 1 BC (or whenever it was), Jesus Christ has emerged as the most talked-about and most revolutionary Messiah in living memory. He has become a subject of fascination not only to the 2.2 gigaChristians in the world, but to virtually everyone.

A Nativity scene. Note the life-size Austen Ivereigh model looking on (L).

A certain amount of scandal has arisen over the circumstances of Jesus's appointment as Messiah. It is said that there was a "Team Jesus" in place a long time beforehand, containing such illustrious figures as Isaiah and Micah; it persuaded people that the Baby born in Bethlehem was the one to support, and not, for example, rival candidates such as the Emperor Augustus, the Dalai Lama (any of them), Haile Selassie, Prince Philip, or various other people who have been worshipped as gods.

Members of the rival "Team Philip".

If Dr Ivereigh's allegations are true, then apparently the prophets Isaiah and Micah risk excommunication. On the other hand, Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, who was also around in the BC/AD switchover period, is not generally associated with "Team Jesus", so he is probably in the clear.

Since coming to power, Christ has upset many people with His strong words. Most recently, He accused the Pharisees Conference of being "A generation of vipers", and even the loyal Cardinal Peter was labelled as "Satan". Perhaps after all He is not the meek and mild Messiah that some expected when He was elected.

Cleansing the Curia of Financial Leprosy.

Who advises the Pope?

Marco Tosatti has written an interesting piece for Vatican Insider, giving the names of those people to whom Pope Francis talks and listens. However, the article is implausible from beginning to end - nobody with any sense ever listened to Piero Marini - and we are happy to provide a corrected list.

Tony Flannery.

Tony Flannery has long known that he was right all along, and the rest of the Catholic church in grievous error. The author of many books, such as Why I excommunicated Pope Benedict, Enda Kenny - man or God? and Come back to Me: my invitation to the Catholic Church. As a Redemptorist, Flannery is subject to the three vows of poverty, chastity and obedience (no, really). By bringing him back into the inner circle, can Pope Francis be signalling a change of direction?

Damian Thompson of the Telegraph.

One of the first questions a pope asks himself is, "Where can I get good custard?" and fortunately Pope Francis can now draw on the expertise of the Telegraph's custard-crazed ferret. Since Damian is also able to advise on cupcakes, Bach, addiction, and the best way to stop Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor hanging around making a nuisance of himself, he is rapidly becoming indispensable.

The Spirit of Vatican II.

Pope Francis does of course have a hotline to Heaven, but his first point of contact is Loftus, the Spirit of Vatican II. This angelic being explains to him all the things that were not actually written down in the Vatican II documents, or even agreed, but which were "in the spirit". Pinocchio Masses, replacing Gregorian chant by Estelle White's Moses I Know You're The Man and liturgical dancing - all these were what almost-Saint Pope John XXIII had in mind as urgent priorities when he called the Council.

Boris Johnson.

The Pope has a number of secular advisers, whose job it is to help him with public relations, to avoid gaffes, and to speak his words carefully, bearing in mind that they will be repeated and interpreted by people of all shades of opinion. These advisers include Boris Johnson, Prince Philip and Gordon Brown. As a result, we are unlikely to see the Pope stuck on a zipwire, asking Archbishop Philip Tartaglia "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to go to Mass?" or referring to bigoted women.

Catherine Pepinster.

Marginalised under Pope Benedict XVI, Catherine Pepinster of the Tablet now plays a valuable role in telling Pope Francis what he actually said. An off-the-cuff remark that perhaps now is not the time for the Church to begin burning homosexuals becomes, after a little interpretation, a firm pledge that the pope will soon be welcoming "gay" bishops and their partners. Similarly, the Pope's comment that he was kept awake by a crying baby when he slept in his humble apartment at the Hotel Casa Santa Marta (5 stars) becomes a promise that the Catholic Church will soon change its mind on abortion.

Owen Jones.

Owen Jones of the Working Classes (seen above with a bottle of working-class champagne) is there to help the Pope avoid the extravagance and pomp of his predecessors. With his deprived background (Oxford University and the Independent), Jones is the ideal person to help Pope Francis with his "humility" campaign. "The party's over," he says, "or at least we're running low on champagne!"

Eccles.

Eccles, seen here with a liturgically-correct (he claims) green biretta, is the ideal person to consult if one wants to be saved. Pope Francis was already a regular reader of his blog, and met him in Rome at the time of the last conclave, disguised as a cardinal. Eccles's instructions are clear: Tell me what saved popes do, and he is already formulating an action plan.