Tiddles is saved

This is a guest post from Eccles's cat, Tiddles, who was shocked to read an article by Jonathan Langley entitled Ten reasons it's okay for Christians to hate cats

Tiddles.

I could really have entitled this post "Seven reasons it's okay for cats to hate Christians", except that we cats are loving creatures, and do not bear grudges.

1. Cats get a bad deal in the Bible.

There is no Biblical mention of cats, in the sense of domestic animals, but lions and leopards are certainly there. Some impertinent chap called Isaiah says that the wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid. I consulted a focus group of twenty leopards, and none of them thought this was very likely. And lions have their pride, you know.

Another cheeky chap called Peter says that your adversary the Devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour. Well, I admit that we do like devouring things, but then so do humans. So why smear us cats?

Personally, I prefer Amos's "The lion hath roared, who will not fear?" or, in my case, "The cat hath miaowed, who will not fear?"

Remember, cats are naturally great hunters.

2. Humans don't recognize cats' kindness to them.

Humans don't appreciate the gifts we leave them. I recently marked Eccles's birthday by leaving a dead vole on his pillow - well, half a dead vole, actually, I got a little hungry - but he refused to show any gratitude. Then, one evening, when I was at a loose end, I jumped off the cupboard onto Eccles's lap, with the idea of sharpening my claws on him. He gave out a yell and got up, sending me flying through the air. No love and affection there!

Ailurophobic hate-crime.

3. Humans are insanitary.

I didn't want to mention this, but Jonathan Langley raised the matter. We cats do our little doings in a litter tray, or behind the sofa, or under the bed - somewhere nice and tidy. Humans send their waste products down a pipe, where they get processed into someone else's drinking water. Well, which do you prefer?

4. Human religion is daft.

The ancient Egyptians used to worship cats, but we don't see much of that these days. Oh no, it's "Tiddles, get back in the garden, you're not coming to Mass with me." Look at the word "Catholic" - it originally meant "addicted to cats", as with "alcoholic" or "chocaholic". But it is not reflected in their practices. When will cats be ordained to the priesthood? When will they even be allowed to take Communion? Has the Pope mentioned cats in his "Year of Mercy" speeches?

Even so-called "liberal" Catholics are anti-cat. Cardinal Kasper, a man who you would expect to be sensitive to feline issues, has refused to answer our e-mails or return our phone calls. Apparently, in the spirit of gradualism, he wants to ordain dogs first. Madness.

The good old days pre-Vatican II.

5. Humans are always fighting.

When female humans fight, they call it a "cat fight", probably because the combatants hiss at each other and scratch. Curiously, when male cats fight, we cats don't call it a "human fight", since head-butts, punches on the jaw and kicks in the sensitive parts are generally considered to be unsporting. You're more vicious than we are.

... and we don't have wars between cats of different beliefs.

6. Eternal life isn't a big deal.

The best religious deals on offer for humans seem to promise eternal life in some sort of paradise. We cats have nine lives, which makes us nine times more saved than humans. Do I need to say more?

7. Finally...

We are sweet.

You are not sweet.

Cecil the Lion to be canonized

The death of Cecil the Lion ("the most popular African since Nelson Mandela") has hit the world hard, and both David Cameron and Barack Obama have spoken out about his martyrdom at the hands of "Jihad Walter" the crazed assassin of DENTIS.

Floral tributes in memory of "the people's lion".

Even Elton John has been moved by the tragedy, and is hastily scripting the lyrics of a new song, "Cecil in the Wind".

Accordingly, Pope Francis has agreed to fast-track the canonization of Cecil, so that it may offically be recognised that he has taken his place in Heaven, and is lying down with the lamb, as (almost) predicted in the Bible - you may look up Isaiah 11:6 for the correct prophecy.

Pope St Leo the Great

Lions have always been considered holy in the Catholic Church, and thirteen popes have been called Leo, starting with Pope St Leo I, who was canonized - he's the one who met Attila the Hun and persuaded him not to sack Rome. However, this is the first time that a lion has been proposed for canonization (it is said that one of the medieval popes canonized a hedgehog called Doris, but this is not completely authenticated).

Since his death Cecil has appeared in visions to several people, delivering an announcement from on high. Witnesses say that he uttered the sacred words "GRRR! GRRR!" So far this is message is not fully understood, and its interpretation may keep theologians busy for many years. Finally, it is expected that Cecil will become a patron saint of dentists, hygienists, anaesthetists and dental receptionists.

A young priest preaches at a requiem mass in memory of Cecil.

The Irish chalk and cheese referendum

In the UK we have already seen Equal Nutrition imposed without any opportunity for the public to vote on the issue. In Ireland they are holding a referendum on the subject, and it seems that all major political parties support the idea that chalk and cheese should be legally equal.

A chalk cake. Bakers who refuse to make these are sued for all they've got.

Supporters of the family have naturally been concerned about the consequences for children, arguing that a child "needs its proteins and carbohydrates." The "yes" voters, who claim that feeding a child on chalk is just as good, have a powerful counter-argument: they scream "Bigot! Bigot! Bigot!" until everyone goes home in disgust.

On this blog we are generally concerned with spiritually nourishing matters rather than simple bodily nourishment, and so we look to Christianity for guidance. Apparently, Christ never directly condemned the eating of chalk - which means it must be OK - but on the other hand He refused to feed the 5,000 on it, instead relying on an old-fashioned and probably bigoted diet of bread and fish (i.e., carbohydrate and protein).

I DEMAND that you give me chalk, you bigot!

Isaiah does mention chalk, but in a typically Old Testament bigoted way, for he says "He maketh all the stones of the altar as chalkstones that are beaten in sunder." This is supposed to be the origin of Judeo-Christian persecution of chalk-eaters, but since it is in the Old Testament we may ignore it, just as we ignore the Ten Commandments.

On the other hand, Christ preached against offering children stones when they ask for fish, so that makes Him a "bigot" too.

An old-fashioned child, eating cheese. He also has a "mother", so is doubly bigoted.

Prime Minister Enda Life has called for Ireland to become a "fair, compassionate and tolerant nation" by feeding its children on chalk. Enda is of course very keen on the protection of life, and so he brought in abortion legislation in order to eradicate as much life as possible. For those unfamiliar with the language of politicians, we note that "protection" here is used in the sense of a "protection racket", where gangsters protect someone by burning down their houses. Enda feels that destroying the lives of children by giving them a chalk-based upbringing will give them all the protection they need.

Enda explains to a delighted baby that he will be brought up on a diet of chalk.

The Great Reformer: Christ, the radical Messiah

We are finally able to publish a review of Austen Ivereigh's new book The Great Reformer: Christ and the Making of a Radical Messiah, which has caused so much controversy. Since his surprise appointment in December 1 BC (or whenever it was), Jesus Christ has emerged as the most talked-about and most revolutionary Messiah in living memory. He has become a subject of fascination not only to the 2.2 gigaChristians in the world, but to virtually everyone.

A Nativity scene. Note the life-size Austen Ivereigh model looking on (L).

A certain amount of scandal has arisen over the circumstances of Jesus's appointment as Messiah. It is said that there was a "Team Jesus" in place a long time beforehand, containing such illustrious figures as Isaiah and Micah; it persuaded people that the Baby born in Bethlehem was the one to support, and not, for example, rival candidates such as the Emperor Augustus, the Dalai Lama (any of them), Haile Selassie, Prince Philip, or various other people who have been worshipped as gods.

Members of the rival "Team Philip".

If Dr Ivereigh's allegations are true, then apparently the prophets Isaiah and Micah risk excommunication. On the other hand, Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, who was also around in the BC/AD switchover period, is not generally associated with "Team Jesus", so he is probably in the clear.

Since coming to power, Christ has upset many people with His strong words. Most recently, He accused the Pharisees Conference of being "A generation of vipers", and even the loyal Cardinal Peter was labelled as "Satan". Perhaps after all He is not the meek and mild Messiah that some expected when He was elected.

Cleansing the Curia of Financial Leprosy.

Bad Hymns 25

We hadn't personally encountered today's nomination for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award, On Eagle's Wings (except on Youtube), but since it has received several nominations we felt we should invite the author, Michael Joncas, to discuss it with us. Hello, Mike!

He will raise you up on eagle's wings.

MJ: Thank you, Eccles. It's a pleasure and a privilege to sit in the chair that has hosted so many great liturgists, such as Paul Inwood, Damian Lundy and Estelle White.

E: Oh is it? Right. Now I couldn't sit through the whole Youtube video without screaming, but I have read the words of your hymn. Basically, the bird stuff comes from Isaiah 40:31. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

MJ: Well, I padded out the chorus a bit. Since the eagle's wings might not be strong enough (and to give you a choice of transport), I wrote:

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings, 
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His hand.

E: Improving on the Bible, eh? Well done. Does dawn have breath, though?

MJ: You start off using the eagle's wings, Eccles, blow around in the air a bit, and then land on God's hand.

Icarus wishes he'd booked to travel with Air Joncas.

E: I see. Now, apart from the chorus, it's a mash-up of Psalm 91.

MJ: Well, I chose some bits of it and made a few more improvements. I felt that King David needed some help in making his psalm acceptable for modern congregations.

E: Yes, he'll be very grateful. Last year I advised him on how to rewrite Psalm 23.

MJ: Right, so "Pestilence" is changed to "Famine", for example. And "his truth shall be thy shield and buckler" becomes "his faithfulness your shield".

Pestilence is dropped, and Famine joins the team.

E: It scans much better that way, doesn't it?

MJ: Of course I haven't managed to make the lines rhyme at all, but then nor did King David. That's more advanced poetry.

E: Except that a psalm, sung to a traditional chant, actually sounds a lot more sacred than what we're left with here.

MJ: Cruel words, Bruvver Eccles. Doesn't a verse like this resonate with you?

For to His angels He's given a command,
To guard you in all of your ways,
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

E: Well it means the same as the original psalm, but it ends with a dreadful clunk, doesn't it? That's rather appropriate, really.

MJ: Still, I'm delighted that I've got angels' hands, as well as an eagle's wings, dawn's breath and God's hand, all bearing me up.

E: Belt and braces, eh? No wonder you're shining like the sun.

MJ: Wikipedia has a fascinating discussion on whether it should be one eagle or many...

E: Let's not go there. Mike, thank you very much.

Michael Joncas, let me bear you away.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.    The Galilee song.    The perfect face.
Jesus Christ the apple tree.

2 Kings

Well, it may be the height of summer, but my class of atheists still has a long way to go - especially you, Richard - so we'll continue with the Eccles Bible Project, looking at 2 Kings. And Caitlin, if I hear any more name-calling from you, I'll make you stand in the corner.

All right, it's also known as "4 Kings".

Elijah the prophet goes out with a bang. He sends fire from Heaven to consume supporters of Baal-zebub the god of Ekron (everyone happy that we don't believe in Baal-zebub? Splendid.) Soon after that he is taken up to Heaven by a whirlwind, and hands over to Elisha.

Go up, thou bald head!

Elisha, who might more properly have been called Alopecia, is known for summoning two she-bears from a wood; these eat up forty-two children who mocked his baldness. Times have changed a bit since then, and nowadays it is OK, but rude, to comment on a prophet's hair. Sorry, Giles!

Elisha does many more useful miracles, including making rain, multiplying a widow's oil and raising a child from the dead. Richard, there's no need to go ROFL at this point: it's undignified for a 72-year-old retired zoologist to be rolling around on the floor. If you accept the existence of God, then miracles are possible, boy.

Elisha also heals the deadly pottage.

Elisha operates in Israel, in the time of kings Jehoram (evil), Jehu (good), Jehoahaz (evil), and Jehoash (good); if I've got that right - it's not really important. At half time in this book, Elisha dies. Time for a tea break.

Caitlin! We said "tea break".

So we come to the second half of 2 Kings. The political situation is complicated, with Israel and Judah being at odds, and Assyria, Samaria and Egypt (and others) all joining in the fun. We meet Isaiah for the first time - he's in Judah and not really one for spectacular miracles, although he is going to do some great prophesying. Isaiah's got his own book so we'll come to him later.

Homework: Azariah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah were kings in Judah while Isaiah was operating. For each one say whether he was (a) good or evil; (b) successful or unsuccessful. Do you notice a pattern?

Do you find Hezekiah guilty or not guilty?

The book ends badly for our heroes, as Jerusalem is sacked by Nebuchadnezzar, the temple of Solomon is destroyed and many (most?) of the people taken away to Babylon. This will set the scene for later adventures.

Having a lovely time. Wish you were here!

Now, look on the bright side: Babylon is a great place to visit if you are interested in gardening - specifically, hanging gardens. However, at the end of 2 Kings nobody seems to appreciate this.

Bad Hymns 17

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have received a nomination for the hymn which starts "How lovely on the mountains are the feet of Him," and today we welcome its author, Le­o­nard E. Smith, who will explain it to us.

A lovely foot.

Eccles: Leonard, thank you for coming along to talk to us. Now what's all this about lovely feet?

Leonard: It's from Isaiah 52, Eccles. I opened my Bible at random, found those words and noticed that nobody had thought of using them before. So I grabbed them for my hymn.

E: Brilliant idea, Leonard. Let me try doing that (opens Bible). Ah yes, Isaiah 27. And luckily nobody has used these words either!

In that day the Lord with his great and strong sword
Shall punish Leviathan, Leviathan!
The piercing serpent, yes, the crooked serpent -
In the sea! In the sea!

CHORUS: In the sea! In the sea! In the se-e-e-ea! In the sea!

E (doubtfully): But what does it mean?

L: Who cares? It looks like you've got a certain hit there, Eccles.

E: Still, let's discuss your hymn. What's this chorus of yours? It sounds like "I got drains," sung in an American accent. Ah got drains!

CHORUS: I got drains! I got drains! I got dra-a-a-ains! I got drains!

L: If you look at the actual words, Eccles, it's "Our God reigns," and...

E: Our God? Is there more than one, then? No, do go on.

L: We sing those three simple words a total of 24 times in the hymn. Can I claim the record?

E: Possibly, Leonard, I don't remember offhand. But would it be fair to say that, all things considered, reading between the lines, and so on, that you are trying to convey the secret message Our God reigns?

L: Drat, you guessed it. It was suppose to be a subliminal idea concealed in the hymn.

E: Oh, by now I'm quite good at picking these up.

L: Well, shall I write you another hymn before I go? (Opens Bible). Aha! Isaiah 37.

Because thy rage against me, and thy tumult,
Came to mine ears, mine ears,
Therefore will I put my hook into thy nose -
In thy nose, In thy nose!

CHORUS: In thy nose! In thy nose! In thy no-o-o-ose! In thy nose!

E: Magnificent! Le­o­nard E. Smith, thank you very much.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.

Chalk and cheese to be equal

Chalk - an excellent source of protein.

Chalk-eaters were celebrating this evening as the House of Commons voted for an Equal Nutrition bill, which would give chalk the same status as cheese.

Supporters of the Let's eat chalk campaign, which include such well-respected religious figures as Tina Beattie and Giles Fraser, explained that the Bible's bigoted attitude was inappropriate for the 21st century.

Said one campaigner: "We refuse to accept chalkophobic passages, such as the following from Isaiah 27:9: When he maketh all the stones of the altar as chalkstones that are beaten in sunder, the groves and images shall not stand up. Why is it not the cheesestones that are beaten in sunder, eh?"

"Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?" (Job 10:10)

Another well-known Biblical figure who refused to eat chalk was celebrity moaner Job, who regularly expressed totally unacceptable chalkophobic sentiments, as above.

As Giles Fraser points out, Jesus never explicitly condemned the eating of chalk, and therefore it must be morally correct to serve it to children.

On the other side of the debate, some bigoted people have been fighting to maintain the traditional views of nutrition. "Family life hinges on the fact that children are fed proper food, such as cheese, and not a distorted calcareous diet," said one MP (to cries of "bigot"). "Moreover, if you are going to allow chalk to be fed to children, then why not chlorate?" he continued.

Chlorate. Almost the same as chalk and cheese.

Apart from (possibly) Peter Tatchell, few people have asked for chlorate to be given equal status with cheese as a source of protein, but opponents of the Equal Nutrition Bill say that it can only be a matter of time before it will be compulsorily served at school dinners.

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced a "quadruple lock" to protect faith schools from being forced to serve chalk for lunch; however, it has been pointed out that a quadruple lock is very easy to undo if you have one simple piece of equipment.

Four keys.

Pope's new book upsets Christmas traditions

The Christian world was reeling this week, with the publication of Pope Benedict XVI's new book Jesus of Nazareth - things you never knew, which attempts to get to the heart of the Christmas story.

Father Christmas did not fly to Bethlehem in a reindeer-drawn sleigh (the Pope reveals).

The traditional Thought for the Day gospel narrative - which asserts that Father Christmas flew to Bethlehem in a sleigh drawn by reindeer, climbed down the chimney of the stable in which Jesus was lying, and gave Him gifts of gold, frankincense, myrrh, a teddy bear, and a train set - is revealed to be in error.

It is also explained that Jesus was not born on 25th December 0 A.D. (or 0 B.C., to add to the confusion), because the year 0 never existed, and anyway Jesus was a Leo and not a Capricorn - a fact known to professors of astrology for many years, and explained in the books of C.S. Lewis. However, a fragment of the Gospel of Isaiah, beginning: "Leo: I've already explained the main points, but beware a tall dark stranger called Judas" is believed to be a forgery.

Mince pies - not the Messiah's favourite food after all?

Another shocking revelation from Pope Benedict is that Jesus was not particularly fond of mince pies, and, as a new-born baby, he was not eating solid food anyway. Moreover, kosher mince pies would have sold out in the Bethlehem shops by Christmas, and the supermarkets would have already been stocking Easter eggs - a custom persisting to this day, in fact.

The tradition of slumping in front of the television at Christmas to watch the 200th re-run of an old film is also claimed to be non-Biblical. The Holy Family did in fact possess a television set (donated by the wise men who came from the East), but the reception in Bethlehem was very poor, and the Holy Family were too busy entertaining visiting angels, shepherds, wise men, and drunks who had come to the wrong door of the inn, to watch television.

The Railway Children - perhaps Joseph video-recorded this film for later?

Finally, Pope Benedict claims that, contrary to tradition, there were no oxen, donkeys, possums, llamas, gorillas or hippopotamuses present at Jesus's birth. "Some scholars think that Joseph may have had a pet hamster called Justin," he writes, "but even this was disputed by St Augustine."

No room for Nellie at the inn.

Critical reaction to Pope Benedict's book from outside the Catholic Church has been fairly predictable. Professor Richard Dawkins commented "I haven't read it, but it's vile. So's the Pope. So are all Catholics. Aaaaggggh!" and "Father" Giles Fraser said "This book would make me ashamed to be a Christian, if I were one."

Bad Hymns 11

The Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges are pleased to welcome Daniel Schutte, author of the hymn I, the Lord of sea and sky.

E: Now tell me, Dan, are you in fact the Lord of sea and sky? If so, what about the land? Are you telling me that the Navy and Air Force have surrendered to you, but the Army is fighting on?

Doctor, we're being attacked by a man called Schutte, who's already taken over the sea and sky.

DS: No, Eccles, you've got this all wrong. I am referring to God here, and I left out "land" because it wouldn't fit.

E: Oh I see. A bit like Psalm 46 then? Be still, and know that I am God. We used to sing this at school when I was young, but when I broke a window the teacher would never believe that it was an act of God. It was very confusing.

DS: Anyway, think of it as if God were singing my hymn, and not us. Modestly, I felt it was appropriate to put a few words into His mouth.

E: I who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. But stars aren't dark, they're very hot and luminous. Well, many of them.

Proof that stars are not always dark.

DS: No, no, it's referring to "my people." Er, God's people, that is. They're mentioned earlier. Blimey, this grammar business isn't easy, is it?

E: Ah. So tell me about the chorus to your song, Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard You calling in the night. That's not God speaking, is it?

DS: No, it's us.

E: Well it's true that I do sometimes hear noises in the night. Usually, it's my aunt screaming at the Internet. Are we all supposed to have heard God in the night?

DS: Well, it was Isaiah, really. But as in many modern hymns I am asking you to draw attention to yourself, and say "Look at me! I'm as good as Isaiah!"

Isaiah, who rarely got a decent night's sleep.

E: So what are we saying about ourselves, Dan?

DS: Well I thought you would quite like it, Eccles. We are saying that we are specially chosen people, and we're going out to save everyone else.

E: Oh, of course. As long as the hymn is about how great we are, and not about God. No wonder it's popular. Oh just one last thing...

DS: Yes, Eccles?

E: I the Lord of wind and flame, I will tend the poor and lame. I've got it, haven't I? Pentecostalism?

Wind and flame.

DS: Nice rhyme, though?

E: Oh all right. Not poor and lame. Well, not completely. Mr Schutte, thank you so much for coming along.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.