Notre Dame University honours Kim Jong-Un

The University of Notre Dame, Indiana, has announced the winner of its 2016 Laetare medal, which is awarded in recognition of outstanding service to the Catholic Church and society. The lucky recipient is Mr Kim Jong-Un, 17, a North Korean politician, whose record of murder, imprisonment and torture is "just what we're looking for", in the words of a spokesman for the college.

"I am honoured to receive this medal," says Mr Kim.

"At first we thought of giving the medal to Vice-President Joe Biden," said the spokesman, "after he wrote to us telling us what a great Catholic he was. However, further investigation revealed that he was a supporter of abortion and same-sex marriage, and our strong Catholic principles obviously forced us to rule him out. If we'd honoured him we would have become a laughing stock. Our reputation still hasn't recovered from the time when we gave an honorary degree to Barack Obama - if we'd vetted him properly we might have noticed that Obama was an advocate of dismembering small children, which some of us feel squeamish about."

Robert Mugabe (L) is not amused.

Mr Robert Mugabe, 112, of Zimbabwe (or, as Oxford students now wish it to be known, Southern Rhodesia) was not amused at narrowly missing out on the prestigious medal. "I have a great respect for what Mr Kim has achieved," he said, "but I should point out that, unlike him, I am actually a Catholic. Pope Francis has refused to condemn me, so I must be a pretty good guy. I don't know who this Laetare chap was, but he must be turning in his grave." The Notre Dame spokesman admitted that Mugabe was a "better fit" to the Catholic ethos of the college, but said "Well, there's always next year!"

What is a tragedy as far as Notre Dame is concerned is the fact that it never honoured Ted Kennedy, the politician and underwater racing driver. Medals were awarded to his brother JFK and sister Eunice, but somehow young Edward missed out on his due recognition as "the sort of Catholic that Notre Dame appreciates". Well, it's too late now.

Spiritual nourishment to help you recover (Notre Dame's Basilica of the Sacred Heart).

Joe Biden explains the Catholic Faith

We are indeed honoured today to be granted an interview with Vice President Joe Biden, a leading Catholic thinker.

Joe Biden demonstrates his position on gay marriage

E: Now, Mr Biden, you first came to the attention of the British public over 20 years ago, when you were detected plagiarising a speech of Neil Kinnock. Would you care to comment on that?

JB: Eccles, I wish to totally, utterly, absolutely and unequivocally deny, rebut, refute and contradict your statement. When I was a poor, penniless and deprived boy in the Welsh valleys, being sent down the pit at the age of three, along with my aged, decrepit, feeble and disabled ninety-year-old granny in a wheelchair, I realised that the only way to escape from my chains was...

E: I hate to cut you short there, Mr Biden, but perhaps we could move on to what is surely the cornerstone of your life, the Catholic faith.

It's not always a good idea to copy Neil Kinnock.

JB: Yes, as I go along life's road, I always let my love of Jesus and the Catholic faith guide me.

E: So naturally, you oppose abortion, which has been condemned by the Catholic church, and many other Christians, pretty consistently over the last 2000 years?

JB: Well, naturally, except in special circumstances of course. For example, if the mother is pregnant. Then I think you have to allow it.

E: I gather that the church penalty for abortions at any stage of pregnancy is excommunication. Have you in fact been excommunicated?

JB: No, but then you see I've never had an abortion. But I feel that it's my human right to have one, if ever I want one.

E: I heard a rumour that your friend Barack - (checks notes) - ah yes, Obama, is in favour of killing all babies under the age of two and eating them?

JB: No, in fact that was just the view of a Democratic think-tank. Teddie Kennedy suggested drowning babies, but then he thought all problems could be solved by drowning people.

E: Your own view, then?

JB: Theologically, it's very much a grey area. I certainly wouldn't go as far as eating babies.

Herod the Great. Didn't go as far as eating babies.

E: Still - correct me if I'm wrong, or even if I'm right - aren't your views on many moral issues in clear contradiction to the views of the Catholic church?

JB: Eccles, I think you have to accept that our views on right and wrong are constantly evolving. Adultery, lying, cheating, etc. - all these used to be condemned as sins, but now Bill Clinton is one of the most respected politicians we have.

E: Vice President Biden, thank you for your moral guidance.

The motto of the Biden family

The Divine Comedy: Inferno

So the poet Virgil came to Eccles, who is a saved person, and said "Perhaps you'd like to take a look at Hell, Purgatory and Heaven, to see how they've been getting on since I gave Dante a conducted tour? You could write about them on your lovely blog."

Abandon Hope, all ye who enter here

So they travelled to the gates of Hell itself, and began their descent into the abyss from which no man returns.

"This could be interesting," said Eccles. "Will we see Hitler, Stalin, Bin Laden, and people like that?"

"We do have them down here of course," said Virgil, "but frankly you don't want to see the dreadful torments they suffer. When you see someone who is forced to read the Guardian all day long, you even start to feel a nagging sympathy for them."

Ted Heath

They came to a darkened room in which a big fat man was groaning pitifully as he declaimed in a booming voice: "Ohhh... notwithstanding directive LU/267/JRQ/1637, paragraph 208, on the regulations for the design of teaspoons permitted in coffee shops not exceeding 250 square metres in area, it will be necessary for the managers of such shops to buy carbon credits to the value of EUR 50 for each customer who wishes to blow on his coffee to cool it, on pain of having their toenails pulled out by a registered inspector..."

"This is one of his lucky days," said Virgil. "He's just got to read out pointless EU directives. On a bad day they get him to read out all his old speeches."

"I see you try to make the punishment fit the crime," remarked Eccles. "Do you have any interesting atheists?"

Christopher Hitchens

They came to a room in which a rather stout man was writing a book. Eccles looked at the chapter heading, which said How Mother Teresa murdered a nanny and framed Lord Lucan for it, on the instructions of Pope Paul VI. In the corner of the room was a fire, and Virgil explained that Hitchens's punishment (apart from being eternally deprived of alcohol and cigarettes) was to write books which, when completed, were thrown directly into the flames. "This happened when he was alive too, usually, but now we can cut out all the trouble of getting a customer to buy them first," explained Virgil.

"I was right, I was right, there is no God, and he hates me!" screamed Hitchens, and resumed his writing.

"How about Catholics?" asked Eccles. "Do you have any down here?"

"Lots," said Virgil. "Since the 1960s, there's been no shortage of Catholics wanting to sign up to a liberal agenda. Abortion, euthanasia, divorce, homosexual practices... so much simpler than traditional morality, it seems."

Will nobody come for a drive with me?

A fat dissolute man came past, driving a taxi. "Taxi, guv?" he asked. "A little drive to the island?"

"Heard the legend of the Flying Dutchman?" asked Virgil. "Condemned for ever to sail the seas? It's been updated - Ted here is condemned for ever to drive his taxi, unable to pick up passengers."

"He was a Catholic, wasn't he?" asked Eccles.

"When there were votes in it," replied Virgil. "But mostly he was just a fat drunken slob."

"So, where next?" asked Eccles.

"Well, you've seen some dead souls currently in torment. Next, I shall show you a vision of the future. We'll see some of the living people whom we're expecting down here in the next few years..."

Let's go and do something really evil.