The crimes of Cardinal Pell

A transcript of a confidential telephone conversation between Mgr Embezzla of the Vatican Bank and Superintendent Didgeridoo of the Australian Police.

E: Well that didn't go to well, did it? We asked you to frame Cardinal Pell for child abuse, so that he would stop his investigation into our financial - ahem - irregularities, and you've been found out!

D: We did our best, cobber. We wanted to nail him too, you know, for his opposition to same-sex marriage, and to the other plans we've got. We've had a crack team working on the case.

"We heard he possessed a beretta, so we sent 10 officers to arrest him."

E: Yes, and it turns out that all the dates and times are wrong. Even Pope Francis can give him an alibi.

D: Don't worry about him. He won't give a definite answer to any questions that Pell's counsel puts to him. Even cardinals can't get a straight answer from the Pope.

E: Yes, but the 200 witnesses who were present when he offered Mass?

D: We think he bribed them all with promises of eternal life.

E: Well, never mind that. Can you trump up any other charges?

D: Yes, we think he may be the infamous swagman who was part of the Waltzing Matilda gang.

Could this be Cardinal Pell?

E: Sounds good. Get him for jumbuck-rustling! Will Matilda give evidence?

D: No, she died about 100 years ago. Although we might try forging some emails from Banjo Paterson. Or his descendant, the liberal Catholic, Guitar Paterson.

E: It all sounds a bit flimsy to me.

D: All right, one final idea. He's fond of cricket, isn't he?

E: Yes...

Cardinal Pell explains how he helped Australia win the Ashes.

D: Then he's obviously the mastermind behind the new Aussie ball-tampering scandal. He brings shame on an entire nation. If that doesn't put him behind bars, nothing will.

E: Look for traces of incense on the cricket ball. If you can't find any, we can supply some.

D: It's great to work with you.

The Pope's Magnum Principium

The Pope has published an apostolic letter (or Motu Proprio for those of a rigid disposition) entitled Magnum Principium. The term means "great principle", so after four years of this remarkable papacy, it has finally been revealed what the Pope's Great Principle is.

Is it: Faith? Hope? Charity? Humility? Mercy? Jesuit fudging? True doctrine (stop sniggering at the back)?

Nothing like Pope Francis, but would probably do just as good a job.

No, it's "I can't be bothered to run the Church myself, and so the Bishops' Conferences - which are already deciding on their own interpretations of Amoris Laetitia - will now be able to have their own Mass translations." Well, we say "translations", but "free variations on a theme in accordance with 'some principles handed on since the time of Vatican II' (???)" is nearer the point.

Over to Father James Martin SJ, the Pope's special adviser on doctrine, and a man with lots of original ideas.

"I'm going for a special Jesuit translation, which will omit the General Confession entirely, since we don't recognise any sins these days. Well, except voting for Trump, ignoring climate change, or refusing to laugh at Steve Colbert's tasteful jokes."

One of Steve Colbert's tasteful jokes.

"Then the Creed will become a free for all, in which the congregation will be encouraged to join when they feel like it, and remain silent over the bits they disagree with (this may be all of it!) We shall also have a few minutes at the end of the Creed for worshippers to add their own new ideas - for example about the Holy Spirit being female, and Mary Magdalene the first pope."

"But the highlight will be the sign of peace, when the Priest - this is too imortant for a Deacon - will invite people to participate with the words 'GIVE US A KISS'. The men in the congregation (for doctrinal reasons women are not welcome here) will be asked to come up and embrace the priest."

Practising for the Sign of Peace.

Others have their own ideas for rewriting the Mass. Many experts in Latin have pointed out that the correct translation of "Et cum spiritu tuo" is NOT "And with your spirit", but "And also with you". Or, more correctly, "Cheers, mate!" So this is likely to change.

And just because two countries speak the same language, that is no reason for them to say the same words. American Catholics (the few who attend Mass) will probably go for the LGBTSJ translation above, while English Catholics (we can't call them Anglo Catholics, unfortunately) will have a form of words known as "Vin-acular" based on the Liverpudlian traditions of Cardinal Nichols. Finally, Australian masses will include an interval for "tinnies", and the final part will be based on the traditional Latin prayer "Saltatio Vindobonensis Cum Matilda" or "Waltzing Matilda".

We live in interesting times, my friends.

"This should last a lifetime, Arthur. Or until some fool changes it again."

The persecution of Cardinal Pell

The witch-hunt against Cardinal Pell, who happened to be in Australia at a time when bad things were going on, continues. Indeed, his worst enemies wanted him dragged back to Australia and tortured, in the hope that he might thereby suffer a heart attack. Now Pell is facing fresh allegations in connection with the notorious "Waltzing Matilda" affair.

A jolly swagman. Could this have been George Pell?

Some time around 1895, a jolly swagman was known to have camped by a billabong under the shade of a coolibah tree. Nothing wrong with that, you may say, except that he grabbed a jumbuck and stuck it in his tucker bag. Later he evaded the law by jumping into the billabong, and was never seen again, except possibly as a ghost.

In vain has Cardinal Pell pointed out that he was not born until 1941, and anyway the "jumbuck" affair took place in Queensland, not Ballarat, Victoria.

Ballarat!

The next attacks on Cardinal Pell are centred on a reference in the Sherlock Holmes story "The Boscombe Valley Mystery":

Sherlock Holmes took a folded paper from his pocket and flattened 
it out on the table. 
“This is a map of the Colony of Victoria,” he said. “I wired to 
Bristol for it last night.” 
He put his hand over part of the map. “What do you read?”
“ARAT,” I read.
“And now?” He raised his hand.
“BALLARAT.”
“Quite so. That was the word the man uttered, and of which his son 
only caught the last two syllables. He was trying to utter the name 
of his murderer. So and so, of Ballarat.”
“It is wonderful!” I exclaimed.
“It is obvious. And now, you see, I had narrowed the field down 
considerably. The possession of a grey garment was a third point 
which, granting the son’s statement to be correct, was a  
certainty. We have come now out of mere vagueness to the 
definite conception of an Australian from Ballarat with a grey 
cloak.”

Do you in fact own a grey cloak, your Eminence grise?

It is clear to many that Cardinal Pell was in fact the Black Jack of Ballarat mentioned in this story. Or else he knew him. All that remains to complete the case is the discovery of his grey cloak: the mere fact that we have not been able to find it proves that Pell must have destroyed it - clear evidence of a guilty conscience.

A kangaroo similar to one that was tied down by George Pell.

Nobody knows what the Australian national anthem is, but everyone agrees that it would make more sense if it were either "Waltzing Matilda" or "Tie me kangaroo down, sport" (it's a pity that the latter was written by Rolf Harris...)

Notoriously, TMKDS was performed by Cardinal Pell at a Vatican Christmas party in 2003, with an extra verse:

Stop me going to Hell, Pell,
Stop me going to Hell.
I’m not feeling too well, Pell,
So stop me going to Hell.

Enemies of Cardinal Pell have seized on this as evidence that he used to tie kangaroos down for sport, although so far no credible evidence has been produced. But it makes you think, eh? No smoke without fire. He's a traddy Catholic. Destroy him!

On de road to Wallsingham

As I has alreddy explaned, my big bruvver Bosco has gone to Wallsingham, de scared shrine in Norfolk, in de hope of savin a few suols. Anti Moly and me has been in London, stayin wiv Damain Thopmson. It is very hot and so Damain has got some of de Indian Ollympic team to act as punka-wallas.

A punka-walla helpin Damain Thopmson to keep his cool

Originally he had been employin some of his usual staff - Will Heaven de butler, Dan Hannan de chuaffeur, and Goeffrey Lean de gardener - but dey wasn't very good at punk, and dese Indians is much fitter.

Damain himself has been watchin a lot of de Ollympics. He likes de beach valleyball, as he says de girls is all very thin and has good hairstyles, which is very important (read his blogg and you will see dat he hates people wot is fat or has bad hair, like Archbishop Tarteater and Bradley Wiggon).

Not likely to be criticised in a Damain Thopmson blogg

Anti Moly is findin life very woeful. She was hopin dat her old admirer, Cradinal Pell, would come to London for de Ollympics, but he decided to stay in Sidney to judge de Aussie Bishops' Tinnie-chuggin Competitoin (whatever dat is). And althuogh de Aussie government has promised to return de bones of her grandad Ned Kelly to her, dey still has not arrived.

So when I proposed a trip to Wallsingham to help bruvver Bosco wiv his evangellising of de unsaved Cathlics (he said "bring a chain saw," but didnt explane why), she jumped at de chance. Indeed, she even proposed dat we take along Tilde Swindon de famuous actress, wot is very good at evangellising, as you can see from my photto.

You'll come to Wallsingham, Tilde, wiv me?

But de luvvly Tilde wasnt avialable. Damain Thopmson said he didnt want to come wiv us, but he offered us de services of Hannan, de chuaffeur, de one wiv a part-time job in Brussels. De Brussels chaps is on summer hollidays from April until November, so he is quite free at de moment.

So Anti Moly, Hannan and me set off for Wallsingham, but Hannan was led astray by de Satan-Nav, and we landed up in a village nearby.

Why does dis remind me of Damain Thopmson's bloggs?

Well, we is stayin de night in Great Snoring, and Anti Moly is sleepin very sweetly if rather loudly, as a result of de gin dat she bruoght in her hippo flask.

A hippo flask. Contains enough gin for a whole evening's drinking

Tomorrow we is to be reunited wiv dere bruvver Bosco.

Anti Moly's memiors

Life is very interrestin for my Grate-Anti Moly at present. She is enjoyin her time at de seaside, wiv dem grate oportunitties of meetin new poeple and screemin at dem. As I has alreddy recorded, she is very interrested in Bhuddism, and she says dat she has been many interrestin poeple in previous lives wiv whom she shares many good quallities, viz Ned Kelly, de Witch of Endor, and Lucrezzia Borggia. Dis may explane why Anti Moly hates Cathlics cos frankly dem Borggias got up to some evil fings as you might expect, and she says dem Pops aint changed much since den.

Here is a jolly pitcher of Anti Moly in her Witch of Endor incranation. Frankly she aint changed much. We dat is saved and reads de Bibble knows dat Anti Moly is talking to Sual who is askin to see the spirrit of de profit Sameul. Sameul aint too pleased wiv dis, as when dey puts "Rest in Peace" on your tobmstone dis means dat you doesnt want to be waked up every time some niusance feels like a chat.

Since you is probbably readin dis blogg in order to be saved I is happy to explane dis pitcher so dat you can learn somethin usefull.

Anyway, Anti Moly has decidded to write her memiors, which will be facsinatin readin I am sure. I was expectin her to tell about her past career as a seller of haddocks in de fish market (dey calls dem fish wives aldough dey aint really married to fish), and den her later career wiv de Molybendite Minin Company when dey sent her underguond wiv a lamp on her head and a pickaxe, and told her to stop hittin de uvver minors.

I aint got a pitcher of Anti Moly in de mines, but here is a pitcher of a typiccal woman minor. She looks strangley familliar, maybe she is a rellative of ours.

However, Anti Moly have decidded to focuss on de traggic evennts on Damain Thopmson's blogg in June 2010 when she had a fihgt wiv some Cathlics and got banned. "I has only writted about it very breifly on Damain's blogg," she explaned, "and de full story have not yet been told. It will need about 200 pages in my memiors to explane what went on, and how I was not to blame for anything."

Pussonally, I fink I'd rather read about her times as a dancer (she used de stage name Waltzin Mattilda), but Anti Moly is de boss.

I doesnt dare show dis to my bruvver Bosco but dey has made an iddle of Ned Kelly (a previous incranation of Anti Moly), and de face is nearly worn away wiv Cathlics kissin it.

You doesnt often see saints wiv guns, dey aint mentoined in de Bibble and so we is all a bit shocked by dis one.