1 Samuel

In the white corner, Brother Eccles, implementing the Eccles Bible Project. In the black corner, an atheist called Richard who is struggling to say say just one intelligent thing about religion. Today's topic: the first book of Samuel. I was going to do both together, but there's too much action.

Samuel - became a prophet at an early age.

Whereas most babies cry in the night and wake their parents, Samuel is himself woken in the night by God, and told to get prophesying. Actually, he does rather more than that, as he will soon become the last of the Judges, and when he's a bit older he leads the Israelites against the Philistines.

The Philistines have stolen the Ark of the Covenant, which is the most holy thing the Israelites have, and taken it to the Temple of Dagon, who may well have been a fish-god. A bad move, as Dagon's idol is first knocked down, and then vandalised.

Dagon - we'll agree with Richard that this is not a god to be worshipped.

The Philistines start to suffer from "emerods" which is a nice word for a most disgusting condition (piles); we never did this bit at school, as all the boys would have sniggered.

To cut a long story short, the Israelites get their Ark back, and under Samuel's leadership stay faithful to God, and prosper. We're only in Chapter 8, and Samuel's task is almost done. He is getting old, and the Israelites have had enough of judges. They want a KING.

"Had enough of judges" is a popular sentiment, even in these days.

So we get to the story of Saul, who starts off as something of a goodie, and ends up as something of a baddie - and dead. We see him first looking for his father's asses (or donkeys, as Americans would have it).

One of Saul's father's donkeys.

Being able to deal with asses is a great qualification for a monarch, even these days, and so Samuel anoints Saul as king. The Philistines are still causing a lot of trouble: nowadays "Philistines" tends to refer to those who hate culture, so it is no surprise that they don't get on with the man who now comes upon the scene - David, a skilled harpist.

David demonstrates his secret weapon against Philistines.

David, who is going to become a major figure in Jewish history, has another weapon, of course: a sling, with which he despatches the giant Goliath. After that, Saul becomes very jealous of David, especially as it becomes clearer that David is to succeed him as king. Saul wants to kill David, who goes into exile.

David wants to take flight, but there are questions over his hand-luggage.

However, Saul's son Jonathan is a great friend of David; also, in fact, his brother-in-law. At this point some silly people who have never had proper friends will tell you that it is something to do with homosexuality, but that theory doesn't make sense given all the other information we have.

The rest of the first book of Samuel contains a lot of the squabbling between Saul and David. Saul has definitely gone over to the dark side at this point, and Samuel makes a surprise comeback, when the Witch of Endor recalls him to warn Saul that there's trouble ahead.

So it all comes to a head at the end of 1 Samuel, when the Philistines defeat Saul and Jonathan in battle at Mount Gilboa, and they both die. Things have gone rather badly under King Saul. Will King David do any better?

A Philistine inscription: "When I hear the word culture, I reach for my sword!"

Hallowe'en Mass

Now that Hallowe'en - which has absolutely nothing to do with All Hallows Eve - has become a major secular celebration at this time of year, the church of St Daryl the Apostate has decided to join in by celebrating Mass with a special Hallowe'en liturgy.

Vestments for the Mass include a pumpkin mask for Fr Arthur.

The Service begins with the Paul Inwood hymn Trick or Treat Ch-Ch? (loosely based on the Gregorian chant Fallere aut Remunerare?) After this, prayers will be offered to St Jack O' Lantern, an Irish Saint who was often "Lit up."

St Jack O' Lantern, pray for us.

The readings for the day are expected to include the passage from 1 Samuel 28, where King Saul is turned into a frog by the Witch of Endor. The text on which Fr Arthur preaches tonight is Revelation 21, where it is claimed that sorcerers will end up in a pool burning with fire and brimstone; he will explain that this is purely a metaphor for people scowling at them ("Hate Crime") as they practice their sincerely-held beliefs.

We welcome witches. Note the modernist broomsticks!

After the service, there will be "eye of newt and toe of frog" soup and bread rolls available in the Church Hall. Do come along!

Making the soup.

Rational Observations

This blog has been accused of pushing a strong pro-Christian line, and so, to redress the balance, we have a guest blogger today, Mr Rational Observations.

Our guest blogger, sunbathing

The Bible is all fiction

I have studied the Bible for over 60 years, and all the evidence indicates that it is a complete work of fantasy, possibly composed by the Emperor Nero, the celebrity violinist who founded the Christian religion as we now know it.

To take an example at random: the character Moses is obviously fictional, and nothing but a corrupted form of the name Mo-hammed which, as I have discovered in my detailed researches, is a name known to Islamic scholars.

The Bible is full of historical errors; for example, we are asked to believe that Joseph was the son of Israel alias Jacob, and wore a coat of many colours; but when we next see him, betrothed to Mary, the coat is never mentioned, and several hundred years seem to have passed.

The husband of Mary?

Likewise, King Saul is supposed to be killed at Mount Gilboa, but guess what, he pops up again, alive, on the road to Damascus, and tries to fool us by changing his name to Paul. I have made a detailed study of Biblical names, and if Saul can be called Paul, then why isn't Solomon ever called Polomon? Even the Pope cannot answer that.

There is no historical evidence outside the Bible for the existence of any of the following in the 1st century AD: Jerusalem, the Emperor Caesar Augustus, sheep, or the Sea of Galilee. Well, I couldn't find any.

A mythical beast, as unreal as a unicorn or dragon

Christ's message of repression

Well, having disposed of the Bible, let's turn to the record of Christianity throughout the ages. Jesus Christ, who never existed by the way, had this message: I came not to send peace, but the sword (Matthew 10:34, in reality written by a bronze-age goatherd called Umbog the Deranged, but that's another story).

Over the years, Christians have seen their mission as one of death and slaughter. Hitler was a pious Catholic, who spent his summers in a monastery near Munich, reciting the Rosary. Stalin was a Russian Orthodox monk, sent out by his abbot to cause as much mayhem as possible - I have discovered that Stalin was not his real name, but the Vatican canonized him as St Alin, because he served their evil purposes so well. Mao was a Christian (his name is another version of "Moses"), who would have spent his life as a humble restaurant-manager, serving Set Meals for 4 with Fried Rice, if he had not been corrupted by fanatical missionaries.

The Baptism of Mao

The Death of Christianity

Luckily, the cult of Christianity is dying out. The churches are empty, and the Pope is reduced to employing actors to make the buildings seem used. Look at the picture below, alleged to show crowds in St Peter's Square, Rome.

A forged picture

But St Peter's Square isn't even in Rome, it's in Manchester, so no doubt the crowds were Manchester United supporters.

Proof that St Peter's Square isn't in Rome

"Saint" Peter was another of these shifty Biblical characters who changed their names. As a long-time scholar of the Bible I can reveal that his real name was Simon. But then lots of people in the Bible are called Simon - it's a corruption of "Someone," meaning that the writer doesn't have any concrete evidence for the existence of the person in question.

Thank goodness that the Queen herself is a committed atheist, who reads the works of Polly Toynbee in the bath (I have photographic evidence of this, but I choose not to publish it, as it would embarrass Her Majesty). But she is forced to pay lip-service to Christianity if she doesn't want to be executed like so many of her ancestors.

Her Majesty the Queen, a confirmed atheist

Prince Charles, describing himself as "Defender of all faiths," is waiting for the Queen's demise so that he can declare himself to be a rationalist, secularist and humanist. Prince William? Well he is a young man, and we can safely assume that he too is an atheist. Nowadays religious delusion is confined to the over-80s, most of whom are suffering from senile decay. Indeed, statistics show that over 98% in the under-40 age group have missed Mass on at least one Sunday in the last 10 years. Which proves my case.

I would like to express my thanks to Eccles for allowing me to put the record straight. May Polly bless you. R.O.

Anti Moly's memiors

Life is very interrestin for my Grate-Anti Moly at present. She is enjoyin her time at de seaside, wiv dem grate oportunitties of meetin new poeple and screemin at dem. As I has alreddy recorded, she is very interrested in Bhuddism, and she says dat she has been many interrestin poeple in previous lives wiv whom she shares many good quallities, viz Ned Kelly, de Witch of Endor, and Lucrezzia Borggia. Dis may explane why Anti Moly hates Cathlics cos frankly dem Borggias got up to some evil fings as you might expect, and she says dem Pops aint changed much since den.

Here is a jolly pitcher of Anti Moly in her Witch of Endor incranation. Frankly she aint changed much. We dat is saved and reads de Bibble knows dat Anti Moly is talking to Sual who is askin to see the spirrit of de profit Sameul. Sameul aint too pleased wiv dis, as when dey puts "Rest in Peace" on your tobmstone dis means dat you doesnt want to be waked up every time some niusance feels like a chat.

Since you is probbably readin dis blogg in order to be saved I is happy to explane dis pitcher so dat you can learn somethin usefull.

Anyway, Anti Moly has decidded to write her memiors, which will be facsinatin readin I am sure. I was expectin her to tell about her past career as a seller of haddocks in de fish market (dey calls dem fish wives aldough dey aint really married to fish), and den her later career wiv de Molybendite Minin Company when dey sent her underguond wiv a lamp on her head and a pickaxe, and told her to stop hittin de uvver minors.

I aint got a pitcher of Anti Moly in de mines, but here is a pitcher of a typiccal woman minor. She looks strangley familliar, maybe she is a rellative of ours.

However, Anti Moly have decidded to focuss on de traggic evennts on Damain Thopmson's blogg in June 2010 when she had a fihgt wiv some Cathlics and got banned. "I has only writted about it very breifly on Damain's blogg," she explaned, "and de full story have not yet been told. It will need about 200 pages in my memiors to explane what went on, and how I was not to blame for anything."

Pussonally, I fink I'd rather read about her times as a dancer (she used de stage name Waltzin Mattilda), but Anti Moly is de boss.

I doesnt dare show dis to my bruvver Bosco but dey has made an iddle of Ned Kelly (a previous incranation of Anti Moly), and de face is nearly worn away wiv Cathlics kissin it.

You doesnt often see saints wiv guns, dey aint mentoined in de Bibble and so we is all a bit shocked by dis one.