A guide to Reformation Architecture

Many people travelling round Britain have visited architectural wonders such as Fountains Abbey, Rievaulx Abbey, Byland Abbey... oh, there are too many to list separately. The Tudor Reformation style of architecture is very distinctive - it is generally very minimalist with no roof, no walls, no doors, no windows, etc. Or at least very few.

Whitby Abbey, designed by Henry VIII.

The problem with medieval abbeys - prior to the 1530s - was that they were ugly, cumbersome things, which contributed to Climate Change. Henry VIII was very aware of this problem, "We shall all be dead by 1547!" he said, and his case he was quite correct. So an emergency "Net Zero" campaign was launched, led by his third wife, Queen Greta, Duchess of Thunberg.

Tintern Abbey - note the well-ventilated, low-carbon construction.

Carbon emissions were reduced to zero, as there were no longer any fires. Unnecessary architectural features such as walls were removed. The only heating allowed was by windmills and solar panels; however, since nobody really understood electricity in those days, the monks found the new eco-abbeys very cold in winter, despite the fearsome global warming that was going on around them, and they all left.

Bolton Abbey - a hybrid construction.

People still visit these abbeys, although they are mostly uninhabited these days. Will we start to see similar eco-measures in secular buildings? Offices and schools without windows, walls, doors, and roofs? We can learn from the Reformation!

(Is this OK, Greta? I haven't checked all the details. Eccles.)

Royal Palaces could become Catholic monasteries

It is reported today that King Charles has not ruled out the possibility of making reparations to the Catholic Church for the actions of King Henry VIII in dissolving the monasteries and nationalizing the churches and cathedrals.

Buckingham Palace said on Thursday that his Majesty took the issue ``profoundly seriously" having previously expressed his ``personal sorrow" over the suffering of Catholics who were robbed and martyred by the Tudors.

A Palace spokesman said that the question whether the King might donate his royal residences - Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, Sandringham, Balmoral, etc. - to the Catholic Church for use as cathedrals - or, more practically, as desirable monasteries - amounted to speculation as this stage, but could not be ruled out.

Soon to be St Thomas More Abbey?

"It makes a lot more sense than trying to `compensate' victims of slavery, when after all we were the ones who abolished slavery, doesn't it!" commented the spokesman.

If the Royal Family does decide to vacate its properties, it will no doubt require alternative accommodation, and the Royal Househunter Poursivant has already been looking for suitable property in the Islington area ``where all the rich woke people live".

An alternative possibility is that King Charles may choose to live somewhere like Fountains Abbey, which would require too much trouble to rebuild to its original purposes.

A home suitable for a king?

Fountains is one of many examples of Reformation Architecture. As the Estate Agents point out, it is very well-ventilated, with many walls and windows removed to enhance the views of the surrounding countryside and cut down on maintenance costs. Since Fountains has no roof, the rooms are also provided with ecologically sensitive shower facilities, which consume no energy. (One can wear one's crown if the rain is too heavy.)

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are very appreciative of the King's plans, and hope to be allocated a ruined abbey of their own in due course. "Meghan gets a bit emotional sometimes," quipped Harry, "and if the house is already vandalised she can throw plates around without anybody minding."

Shall we see the Sussexes moving to Whitby?

Pope Francis refuses to meet the Mayor of Whitby

Councillor Heather Coughlan, Mayor of Whitby, has reacted angrily to reports that Pope Francis will be meeting with Patriarch Kirill of Moscow, but has, as yet "no plans to visit Whitby".

Nicene Nice one, Kyrill.

"What is it with Francis?" asked the mayor angrily. "He's happy to talk to Lutherans, Anglicans, Orthodox - even Catholics sometimes. But he refuses to consult Whitby town council when it comes to discussing an alternative date for Easter."

In fact, Pope Francis's negotiating position with Patriarch Kirill is more wide-ranging than this, being based on three demands (the fourth was considered to be "a step too far"):

1. Use the Gregorian Calendar.
2. Drop that stupid alphabet.
3. Stick "Filioque" in the Creed.
4. Get involved in gay masses, clown masses, and liturgical dancing.

Many of Whitby's most famous inhabitants, such as, er, Captain Cook and Dracula, are known to have favoured the current method for deciding the date of Easter; this was agreed at the Synod in A.D. 664 and has survived the changes brought on by the Reformation, Vatican II, etc.

A tense moment at the Synod of Whitby.

If a new date for Easter is agreed now, then it is likely that Yorkshire will go it alone, sticking to the present means of calculating it. After all, what's one more schism between friends? It is thought that both John Sentamu (Anglican Archbishop of York) - who signs himself John Ebagum, using the Roman word for York - and Marcus Stock (Catholic Bishop of Leeds) are strongly supportive of the plan for a Yorkshire Easter.

As far as the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales is concerned, they would like to move Good Friday to a Sunday (cf. Epiphany and Ascension), but have not yet worked out how this would fit in with all the other plans under discussion. For Prime Minister David Cameron the important thing is that Easter Sunday should become an even more important shopping opportunity, the exact date being unimportant.

"Are you sure this is an Easter egg?"