We eavesdropped on the Synod

Nothing can keep down an ace reporter. I gatecrashed the 2013 conclave by borrowing a cardinal's robes (without permission, in fact), and today I was in the Synod of Synodiocy disguised as Sister Lesbia Nosebucket, the feminist nun and professor of transgender hermeneutics.

All reporting was forbidden: Pope Francis doesn't want it to be known what the views of the participants were, because he has already written the final report. Still, here are some of the snippets I managed to catch:

"When's the big hairy giant going to turn up?"

"Why don't we..."

"That's immoral! Let's do it."

"Austen, would you like some cushions so that you can reach the table?"

"Who's nicked my my Pachamama doll?"

"Haven't we met on Grindr?"

"These Team Rupnik tee-shirts really give us a sense of unity."

"I see your 'ordain donkeys' and raise you to 'bless people who marry donkeys'."

"Tucho just made an improper suggestion to me! Still, I'll think about it."

"Arthur, that food was for the whole table!"

"Give us a kiss."

"If you haven't read my book about Lazarus's LGBT orgies you've missed out."

"How did you do it with a melon?"

"I'm a deaconess. Do your own washing up."

"You're a Jesuit? There's a coincidence - I'm a weirdo too."

"Austen, you've licked my boots enough now."

"You're trans? What does the diocese think?"

"There's only insect pie for dinner, Arthur. Read my new essay 'Loada Te-dium'."

A guide to Reformation Architecture

Many people travelling round Britain have visited architectural wonders such as Fountains Abbey, Rievaulx Abbey, Byland Abbey... oh, there are too many to list separately. The Tudor Reformation style of architecture is very distinctive - it is generally very minimalist with no roof, no walls, no doors, no windows, etc. Or at least very few.

Whitby Abbey, designed by Henry VIII.

The problem with medieval abbeys - prior to the 1530s - was that they were ugly, cumbersome things, which contributed to Climate Change. Henry VIII was very aware of this problem, "We shall all be dead by 1547!" he said, and his case he was quite correct. So an emergency "Net Zero" campaign was launched, led by his third wife, Queen Greta, Duchess of Thunberg.

Tintern Abbey - note the well-ventilated, low-carbon construction.

Carbon emissions were reduced to zero, as there were no longer any fires. Unnecessary architectural features such as walls were removed. The only heating allowed was by windmills and solar panels; however, since nobody really understood electricity in those days, the monks found the new eco-abbeys very cold in winter, despite the fearsome global warming that was going on around them, and they all left.

Bolton Abbey - a hybrid construction.

People still visit these abbeys, although they are mostly uninhabited these days. Will we start to see similar eco-measures in secular buildings? Offices and schools without windows, walls, doors, and roofs? We can learn from the Reformation!

(Is this OK, Greta? I haven't checked all the details. Eccles.)

Bishops say "Stop praying!"

Several wise bishops have decided to allow the faithful to eat meat on Fridays in Lent, because apparently it is such a hardship in these plague-ridden times to survive 24 hours living only on fish, pasta, rice, pizza, vegetables, cheese, eggs, etc. It is well known that there are many starving people whose only source of food is the bacon, steak, and sausages in the fridge.

Now, in Stage 2, the bishops are encouraging their flocks to stop praying. "Many people find it very stressful to sit, kneel, or stand quietly for a minute or two, when they could be playing video games, watching television, or simply looking out of the window in the hope of seeing neighbours whom they could report to the police," explained the Bishop of Boston Teaparty. "We want to relieve them of this burden."

Stop that at once!

"Besides, God - if you believe in him, which of course good Catholics no longer need to - is rather overwhelmed with prayers at present, and we can save on bandwidth by leaving prayer in the hands of the professionals," continued the Bishop of Brooklyn Beckham.

"Many churches are live-streaming Masses," agreed the Bishop of Humor-Thibo-dodo. "These should satisfy all the spiritual needs of 'God addicts', and they have the advantage that you can watch them while wearing tatty old clothes, or even in your pyjamas if you wish. However, we urge you not to pray, as this only leads to rigidity, neo-Pelagianism, and other bad habits."

"However, don't forget to turn off your lights for Earth Hour tonight," stressed the Bishop of Muddlehead. "With this dangerous Carbonara Virus going around, it is more important then ever to do some virtue-signalling. Greta knows best."

A notorious polluter in Rome.

Earlier in the week Pope Francis condemned worship in his own way, saying (and this bit is true):

What are my idols? Everyone has their own. What are my idols? Where do I hide them? May the Lord not find us at the end of our life, and say: "You are perverted. You have strayed from my path. You prostrated yourself before an idol."

They're behind you!

Meghan says "just two husbands" in order to save the planet

We applaud the promise made by the Duchess of Sussex, wife of Prince Harry (sixth in line to the position of Supreme Governor of the Church of England), that she will limit herself to two husbands in order to save the planet.

Apparently, each extra husband produces 58 tons of carbon dioxide per year (as indeed do wives), which some regard as a bad thing. Having reached her quota of two husbands, the Duchess has promised to stop. It's always easy to say "Oh, just one more!" but the strongly religious must try and resist the temptation to take another spouse (or else they may justify it by reference to Amoris Laetitia, but that's another story).

Prince Harry backs Meghan's biconjugal pledge.

Indeed, in the Royal Family, although Charles and Anne have married twice, many traditionalists such as Queen Elizabeth, Andrew, Edward, and William, have so far rationed themselves to one dash down the aisle. It's a far cry from the conspicuous wife-consumption of Blessed Henry VIII.

Jetting off on her latest mission of world evangelisation, Meghan plans to meet some of the superstars that she regards as role models for all women; these include Caitlin Jenner, Chelsea Manning, Laverne Cox, etc.

As seen on the cover of Vague.

Her son, Prince Archie, is now beginning to talk (and, if he takes after his mother, will never stop talking), and we were lucky to obtain an exclusive interview with him.

Eccles: Archie, what do you think of your mother's plans to reduce her carbon footprint and save the universe, by limiting herself to two husbands?

Archie: ER ...

Eccles: Do you feel that she should be influenced by Greta "Little Greenbottle" Thunberg, or should she study the statistical regression techniques used in translating dodgy climate data into worldwide panic?

Archie: WANT POTTY!

Eccles; Your Royal Holiness, thank you very much.

"Tis I, Captain Greenbottle, saviour of the world! Waves at her adoring fans. Falls into the sea. Blames climate change."

Pope Francis joins the Climate Strike

After a fruitful meeting with 10-year-old activist Greta Thunberg, Pope Francis has eagerly agreed to take part in the Climate Strike.

Although he refuses to speak to his own cardinals, such as Burke and Brandmüller, the Holy Father has joined the Gretamania Cult, which has seen the 9-year-old superhero meet such eminent people as John Bercow, Jeremy Corbyn, and Donald Trump. No, not Donald Trump, although Joe Biden has offered to stroke her hair.

Curiously, 8-year-old Greta is not the shortest person from whom Pope Francis has ever taken advice - that honour goes to Austen Ivereigh.

"Climate science is so simple a 7-year-old child could understand it. Fetch me a 7-year-old child, as I can't make head nor tail of it."

So what results shall we see from the Pope's conversion to the movement? He has already vowed to glue himself to the High Altar of St Peter's, unless the Vatican reduces its carbon emissions to zero with immediate effect (it should still be possible to offer masses without treading on him). Moreover, Francis will no longer be working on Fridays, but will spend them sitting in a pink boat in St Peter's Square with distinguished scientist Emma Thompson (who is on her way in a private jet plane). Nobody is sure why.

"The Holy Father is backing me!"

Sadly, there are other unfortunate side-effects of the Pope's Laudato Si' ad absurdum approach. The Swiss Guard will be asked to jettison their new plastic helmets (which turned out to be ineffective against battle-axes, as the late Sergeant Emmenthal and Corporal Gruyère discovered to their cost when they tried sparring), in favour of low-carbon steel helmets.

Likely to get into the oceans and trap the heads of dolphins.

As 6-year-old Greta continues her world tour, we learn that she is soon to star in a remake of the Sound of Music, singing classic songs such as "Raindrops on roses cause acid rain damage" and "Ray, a drop of golden sun burning up the planet" to new settings by Marty Haugen. We wish her well.

5-year-old Greta in rehearsals.