Welcome to World Oldie Day

As a special concession to Catholics who have passed the age of 30 and thus no longer feel that they count as "yoof", Pope Francis has agreed to institute a World Oldie Day. Since Kraków, the site of World Youth Day, is obviously too exciting a place, it has been agreed to hold the event in Eastbourne, where the population's average age is already over 70.

Listening attentively to Pope Francis.

Said one oldie, Fred Methuselah, 95, "I no longer feel able to enjoy the benefits of World Youth Day, including standing in a muddy field in the pouring rain with a large crowd, participating in special liturgical abuses such as obtaining my Communion from a vending machine, or even taking part in mysterious Jesuit events called "Ignatian experiments"; the W.O.D. is far more to my taste."

Ignatian Experiments.

For many bishops, attending World Youth Day is something of a nightmare, although many of them nobly turn up in order to support the young folk. "We're being very ecumenical in Kraków this year," commented one bishop who was putting a brave face on things. "They've got that young chap, Cliff Richard, doing a gig. This is what really appeals to the youth of today."

Bishops Dancing at WYD in Rio.

"Still," he continued, "it is embarrassing for someone in their 70s to be cavorting around like a teenager. I've been told that the WOD in Eastbourne will have none of that, merely an evening of liturgical ballroom dancing at the Kieran Conry Dance Hall, for those who really want it. Or there's Catholic Bingo: Laudato Si', 23! Letter from Joseph Shaw, 44! We're all off to Heaven, 67!"

Said one deacon, "One tradition that we're keeping is that of getting a flashmob of people dressed as nuns to do wild dances. We don't expect the over-80s to take part in this (except perhaps for the ever-youthful Cardinal Cormac), but some of us in our 40s and 50s can still 'groove it', as the saying goes."

Some of these could be mistaken for real nuns!

If you can't make it to WYD, then do join us at WOD! You can book through Saga Holidays.

Pope stuck in traffic jam

As World Youth Day 2013 gets under way in Rio, the main news item that has emerged so far is that Pope Francis is there, and has got stuck in a traffic jam.

Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way. Matthew 7:14.

One of the explanations for this problem is that the Pope omitted to bring his Swiss Guards with him - the Swiss Guard Army Knife has a device for extracting Popes from traffic jams. Another relevant fact is that the Pope was alleged to be a victim of "road rage" after cutting up a Nissan Toynbee driven by Richard Dawkins, who was en route to a rival event known as "World Oldie Day".

Pious atheists listen in rapt attention to a speech from Richard Dawkins at WOD.

After the "road rage" incident, the Holy Father continued his journey by bus; Richard Dawkins wished to match him on this, but was told "There's probably no bus - now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

Luckily I brought my bus pass with me!

Meanwhile, a scandal is brewing in Rome after a bank-clerk, Mgr Battista Ricca, was allegedly stuck in a lift. Resignations are expected, mainly amongst the engineers who service the Vatican lifts. There are also rumours of a sex scandal here, and the unfortunately-named Cardinal Sodano will no doubt wish to reassure himself that there is no truth in it.

There's something not quite right about this elevator.

Meanwhile hysterical Vatican-watchers are hurriedly copying-and-pasting messages from unnamed priests into their blogs. So we can tell that the situation is serious.