This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 27 July 2013

Tutu chooses Hell

Fascinating news from South Africa, where Archbishop Desmond Tutu tells us that he would prefer Hell to a homophobic Heaven.


The sort of tutu that nobody would mock.

So Desmond, do you think that in Heaven people's sexual urges will be relevant? Have you really thought this one out? Would it be better to stop posturing and just accept the fact that Christianity has always looked rather dimly upon homosexual activity, as one of many recognised sins?


Entry requirements for Heaven are a 2.1 degree or better. A 2.2 is not good enough.

Look, I'm sorry Des, old man. You were dead right to oppose apartheid - although as a black man in South Africa it would have been surprising if you hadn't - but you are getting very confused when you start talking about sexual morality. Good Christians don't persecute homosexually-inclined people, but they don't pretend that sex in any context other than within marriage between a man and a woman should be approved of, either.

Tutu's pal

Desmond, how nice to see you. We have lots of bishops here.

Meanwhile, this blog is uniquely privileged, in that it has contacts in Heaven. So we asked St Paul for a brief statement on Desmond Tutu's latest outburst.

St Paul

St Paul comments.

"I'm afraid that Mr Tutu really wouldn't enjoy Heaven. We do have some rather strict rules, you see. No smoking, no drugs, no guitars, no pet mice, no Paul Inwood music, and no sex. What we have is much better..."

We expect that Giles Fraser will soon be available for comment. He usually is.


  1. More evidence of dumbing down. Not a 2.2- more like a Fail.

  2. I hope he's wrong because I really don't want to have Bipolar Disorder and autism in heaven. I'm kind of looking forward to that.

  3. Replies
    1. Yup, cats is OK, but I aint sure dat "kitty kill" is appropraite.

  4. Look, if I can't blog about the Catholic faith in heaven, well, I'm sorry, I'm just not interested.

    1. I'm sure we got Cathlic bloggers in Heaven, bruvver Bones!

  5. No blogging, please, in heaven. I need SPACE-as to Bishop Tutu, if he does not repent and ends up in the other place, it will be for leading millions astray-I am so glad I am not a bishop-poor Anglican female things who will be getting their wish in the synod in September will be adding responsibility for souls to private sins and general silliness. But, of course, they are not really going to be bishops and come to think of it, Desmond is not a real bishop either-ah, maybe that is his safety net.

  6. As a 5000 year old witch in bad standing, who spread death and destruction across three different universes, I was looking forward to spending eternity with some of the great aesthetes (other than dear dear Oscar, who had a last minute change of plans), getting fashion tips, ,drinking Brandy Alexanders with Anthony Blanche, and watching "Death in Venice", "Brief Encounter", and re-runs of the Ellen Degenerate Show. I even polari, specially. The last person I want to see is some modernist clergyman descending into the Lower circles to patronise us, and make us eat fair trade hobnobs.

    That really would be Hell.

  7. darling eccles, when I was little I used to have a toy called 'Dismal Desmond',d.ZGU&psig=AFQjCNG_88sht2dM7hTADobnESZkr5XLBw&ust=1375103767661220

    he was more fun than this one :) xx Jess

  8. And the Lord said: "Et tu, Tutu...?"

  9. Dessie is not really a bishop. He's only a sectarian "other".

  10. How did I miss this one? Brilliant post, Eccles.

    Desmond Tutu is a bloody disgrace. I can't stand it when Mandela is praised by Catholics either. Having said that, I'm probably over-reacting. I know he legalised abortion (including forced abortion for those with mental disabilities) and is a huge proponent of population control but surely all his anti-Apartheid work makes all that ok, doesn't it...?