Amoris Laetitia - what you missed

9451. Traditionally, the ideal family consists of a man, a woman, 2.4 children, a dog, a cat, and a hamster. In that case, we should take a moment to consider the suffering endured by the odd 0.4 of a child - why is he taunted by cries of "He's not all there, you know!"?

There are many ways that a married couple can show their love for each other. For example, a morning kiss may be appropriate. For those who find this too difficult, they may wish to share in the household chores, such as power-hosing the television, throwing the cat out of the window, or bathing the hamster.

Fr J. Hackett S.J. explains that loving relationships can be very varied.

Of course other models of family life are possible. In the parable of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Our Lord tells the tale of what some might call a "dysfunctional" family, with one woman and seven small men. It is important that Catholics treat such non-standard families with love and mercy^TM, and do not, for example, send them poisoned apples.

9452. Now is a good time for me to insert a dig at Father Thomas Rosica, who has been a complete pain in recent months.

Only joking, Tom!

9453. The good news for all of us is that, as the Gospel explains, everyone shall be saved. Good and Evil are a matter of personal choice, or "conscience"; that is why it would be inappropriate for this Apostolic Exhortation to mention sin, damnation, Hell, gnashing of teeth, or anything else that is not warm, cuddly and merciful^TM.

This is what Catholicism is really about.

9454. Now I know that many of you want answers to the following questions:

1. Is the Pope still a Catholic?
2. Should divorced and remarried couples be allowed to take communion?
3. Do we still burn heretics?

Confession should no longer involve torture.

Well, I am unwilling to give clear answers to these questions, so I suggest you read this document slowly and carefully - which is ironic as it was dashed off in a coffee break, and not properly checked - and maybe you will find some answers. I certainly couldn't.

9455. There will be another Synod next year, where we wheel out all the usual suspects to tell us what my Amoris Laetitia actually means. See you there!

Australian priest excommunicated

The Tablet and National Catholic Reporter are outraged by the news that a dissident Australian priest, Father Bill E. Bong, has been excommunicated.

Fr Bong refused to use a standard liturgy for the Mass.

In general the Catholic Church is pretty tolerant of dissidents - for example, if you are a politician and you wish to campaign for abortion, euthanasia or same-sex marriage, then it is recognised that the Party is a higher loyalty than God, and you must be permitted to sacrifice your ultimate salvation for your earthly career. However, a slightly higher level of loyalty is expected from deacons, priests, monsignors, bishops, etc.

Fr Bong's threat to "clobber the Pope with a goolagong" was taken seriously.

Said a Vatican spokesman "You wouldn't expect a Catholic priest to associate with ACTA or say things directly in contradiction to Humanae Vitae, although we might turn a blind eye to that sort of behaviour on the old 'wheat and tares' principle. But when Fr Bong said that Satan was the Lord of the Universe, and he was definitely rooting for the old buzzard in the forthcoming battle of Armageddon, then even the CDF felt it had to take notice."

Fr Bong admires Richard Dawkins (seen here drooling over a pot of jam).

So what now for Fr Bong? Perhaps a lucrative contract with the Tablet, where his modern views may be just the thing they're looking for? Or will Roehampton University want him to lecture on "Human Flourishing"? Will Father "Jack" Flannery welcome him to Ireland? Well, perhaps we should leave the last word with the good father himself.

Paul VI made it quite clear that you should follow your conscience. Hic!