Amoris Laetitia - what you missed

9451. Traditionally, the ideal family consists of a man, a woman, 2.4 children, a dog, a cat, and a hamster. In that case, we should take a moment to consider the suffering endured by the odd 0.4 of a child - why is he taunted by cries of "He's not all there, you know!"?

There are many ways that a married couple can show their love for each other. For example, a morning kiss may be appropriate. For those who find this too difficult, they may wish to share in the household chores, such as power-hosing the television, throwing the cat out of the window, or bathing the hamster.

Fr J. Hackett S.J. explains that loving relationships can be very varied.

Of course other models of family life are possible. In the parable of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Our Lord tells the tale of what some might call a "dysfunctional" family, with one woman and seven small men. It is important that Catholics treat such non-standard families with love and mercy^TM, and do not, for example, send them poisoned apples.

9452. Now is a good time for me to insert a dig at Father Thomas Rosica, who has been a complete pain in recent months.

Only joking, Tom!

9453. The good news for all of us is that, as the Gospel explains, everyone shall be saved. Good and Evil are a matter of personal choice, or "conscience"; that is why it would be inappropriate for this Apostolic Exhortation to mention sin, damnation, Hell, gnashing of teeth, or anything else that is not warm, cuddly and merciful^TM.

This is what Catholicism is really about.

9454. Now I know that many of you want answers to the following questions:

1. Is the Pope still a Catholic?
2. Should divorced and remarried couples be allowed to take communion?
3. Do we still burn heretics?

Confession should no longer involve torture.

Well, I am unwilling to give clear answers to these questions, so I suggest you read this document slowly and carefully - which is ironic as it was dashed off in a coffee break, and not properly checked - and maybe you will find some answers. I certainly couldn't.

9455. There will be another Synod next year, where we wheel out all the usual suspects to tell us what my Amoris Laetitia actually means. See you there!

Graduality, or how to be saved the easy way

Thanks to the Synod on the Family, the idea of graduality, also known as gradualism, has come back into fashion. The basic idea here is that we are none of us perfect, but hey, we don't need to be, at least not yet!

Beginners should start by trying to obey just one commandment.

Find the Ten Commandments a bit of a challenge? Well, pick one of the easiest to obey, and start with that. This is what I have decided to do, and so now I give you the ECCLES PLEDGE: I promise not to commit murder. Or at least, not very often. This leaves me with more time free for other sins, such as coveting my neighbour's donkey, stealing, or bowing down to graven images.

Eccles's Anti Moly is very pleased that Eccles has pledged not to murder her.

Of course, for some people, even giving up murder is too ambitious. As Cardinal Kasper says, we should show compassion even towards those who have chosen a serial-killing lifestyle. If - like so many of my readers - you are a serial killer, then may I respectfully suggest that you start by cutting down a little? Say one murder a month? I believe that you can buy little sticky patches to put on your arm, which give you all the stimulation of serial killing, without actually having to go out and commit the sin of murder.

Likewise, if you are given to adulterous affairs, bishop, then the gradualist approach is to progressively reduce the number of marriages you break up, until you are down to one at a time, or even none!

St Augustine of Hippo: "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet!"

Now, how does this work for people who are divorced and remarried? Will they gradually be admitted to communion? Well, the first time they approach the altar steps they will be condemned by the priest in thunderous tones: "BEGONE! ADULTEROUS VERMIN!" Then the next time, the priest will say "Oooh, you are awful, but I like you!" but still refuse them communion. Until eventually the priest will say "Well, what's the odd sinful lifestyle between friends? Probably, Jesus was only joking! Come and join in the fun!" Thus our separated brethren are ACCEPTED once more.

Or they could give up their second marriage bit by bit. They might start by sleeping in the garden shed, to avoid the temptations of the flesh. Eventually they could return to their previous spouse: this could be awkward if he or she has remarried, but, hey, it is better to have three in a bed than only two, if it's the wrong two.

Thou hast had seven husbands... even if they are on the small side.

Well, I hope you have found this little guide to gradualism helpful. Next week, we explain how a compulsive bower down to graven images can gradually repent, so that soon they simply give graven images a polite nod when they pass them in the street. Thus, according to my brother Bosco, they will have done almost all that needs to be done to assure Salvation.

Even cardinals can be saved.

Dawkins reads us a fairy story

"Read me a fairy story, Uncle Richard," said Polly, age 6. "I need to improve my critical thinking before bedtime."

Kind Uncle Richard.

"Certainly, darling," replied her kind uncle. "That's what fairy stories are for. Would you like the funny one about the selfish gene, or the scary tale of the blind watchmaker?"

"Oh no, uncle," exclaimed the little girl. "Can we have the story of Dr Know-All? Or the story of the Professor's New Clothes?"

A bit too close to home...

"Well, I could read you something from my autobiography, I suppose," said the learned professor. "There's the fascinating story of how I spent twenty minutes reading the Bible and became an instant expert on theology."

"No, that's too fantastical. I know, let's have Snow White!"

Christians* will tell you that Snow White's story was literally true.

*Or possibly just Sola Scriptura Christians.

"Yes, all right. Once upon a time there was an evil pope, with a magic mirror. He would ask it daily, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the brainiest of them all?' and the mirror would reply 'You are, O Pope.'

But one day, the mirror gave a different answer. 'O Pope, you are indeed very clever, and you have read the Bible, the works of Augustine and Aquinas, and even the Vatican II documents. But there is a young man called Snow Dawkins, who is yet cleverer than you!'

A FACE appears in the pope's magic mirror.

So the pope determines to dispose of Snow Dawkins, and tells a huntsman to take him into the woods and kill him. But the huntsman, who is an atheist and therefore much kinder and compassionate than Christians are, abandons him alive in the woods.

After wandering around, Snow Dawkins comes to a hut inhabited by seven dwarves, called Grayling, Toynbee, Sanderson, Harris, Pullman, Hawking, and Fry. They sing a jolly song, "Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it's off to church we go!" since, like Snow Dawkins, they claim to be secular Christians and cultural Anglicans (not to mention atheist Muslims, militant Buddhists, and bullfighting Hindus).

In a cultural, secular way, Dawkins and friends follow the Egyptian gods too.

Later, the magic mirror tells the evil pope that Snow Dawkins is still alive and doing very brainy experiments in his hut in the woods. He disguises himself as an old man and gives Snow Dawkins a poisoned apple. Of course, Snow Dawkins is very intelligent and knows instantly that the apple is poisoned; nonetheless he eats the apple as part of a much deeper plan, such as only an atheist could think of.

Something told Dawkins that the apple was unsafe to eat.

When the dwarves return, they place Snow Dawkins in a glass coffin. Now Polly, dear, this is obviously where the Bible story of Jesus originated: we clever atheists know that Jesus wasn't really dead, and anyway he never existed. It was a sky fairy tale told by bronze-age goatherds, who didn't have the critical abilities of a 21st-century professor of biology.

To continue - the dwarves carry Snow Dawkins to the evil pope's palace, where the shaking dislodges the apple from his throat, and he recovers. Enraged by the failure of his plan the evil pope drops dead.

So Dawkins marries a handsome princess - well, three altogether, at various times - and lives happily ever after."

"What a lovely story, Uncle Richard!"

"Now I do hope this story is not fostering supernaturalism in your mind, Polly, dear?"

"Oh no, Uncle, it has simply helped me develop critical thinking, and to learn to see through a certain class of falsehoods. Now I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... zzzz...."

Zzzzzzz....

A Call to Acton

Acton - a focus for dissent.

Hello, we are seven very clever but naughty priests who hate the Pope, the Catholic Church's moral teaching, and the new translation of the Mass. We wrote a letter to the Tabloid, explaining how we wanted to foster and encourage a culture of dialogue and solidarity. Benny, Benny, Benny! Out! Out! Out! That's a slogan that will unite the whole Catholic world.

No longer is Rome going to be allowed to dictate to us. We shall elect one of our number as Anti-Pope, and he will lead the faithful from the People's Palace in historic Acton. Our disciples will come down the "Healing Broad Way" to a new world.

Let us introduce ourselves, in our own words.

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Fr Bashful.

Look, do I have to go first? I'm sure Mgr Doc would do a much better job - he's read all the clever books by people like Hans Küng, Richard Dawkins, Marie Stopes, and other modern Catholic thinkers whose work is published in the Tablet. I'm no good at this "enfant terrible" stuff, and I certainly don't want to be the next Anti-Pope.

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Oh all right. I'm Mgr Doc, the intellectual of the group. I was the one who wrote the Tabloid letter, as I know lots of long words like "disobedience," "rebellion," and "dinosaur." I even know Latin, although of course I only use it for swearing. But I am also a doctor of Immoral Theology, having written a thesis on Genocide - why does the Pope insist on condemning it? That arrogant man, Pope Benedict, has refused to respond to any of my letters to him, even though I bought a special bottle of green ink for the purpose. Who does he think he is?

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Er, yes, I'm Fr Dopey. Um. I guess. I finks Tina Beattie is a genius. What does we do now?

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Fr Grumpy.

Grumpy's the name, but you can call me "Father." And I am furious at the intransigence of the Vatican. Look, I want to be allowed to get married to Sister Snow White; then, who knows, I may be unfaithful to her and get a divorce. It's my human right to do this if I wish, and it doesn't stop me doing my job as a social worker with that extra "Christian" ingredient. If Henry VIII could have six wives and cut off the heads of two of them, why can't a priest in good standing do likewise?

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Hey, my name's Fr Happy, but some people call me simply "Gay." Have you got a problem with that, sweetie? You're a bigot, bigot, bigot...

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I'm Father... Zzzz...

Yes, I'm the Dean of Great Snoring. Vatican II was a wake-up call for all of us - well, not me, in fact, but everyone else. And it specifically said that the office of Pope should be abolished and replaced by a People's Committee. Zzzz...

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A-a-a-a-a-choo! Fr Sneezy here. A-a-a-a-a-choo! Bless me! That's all the liturgy I know, and it's quite enough! A-a-a-a-a-choo!

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And now, a little puzzle for our readers.

Tablet, Tablet on the Wall. Who is the naughtiest priest of all?