Apple trees have long been a source of inspiration.
RH: Yes, I felt that anonymity was safest here, in case people started mocking my song. It was later published in Joshua Smith's hymnal.
E: Well, I'm about 200 years late, but I got to it in the end. I don't suppose that R.H. stands for Rolf Harris? The song has that sort of ring to it: perhaps an accompaniment with a didgeridoo or a wobble board would make it seem less silly?
These didgeridoo virtuosi also used the Apple label.
RH: No, not Rolf Harris.
E: Well, onto the song:
The trees of nature fruitless be Compared with Christ the apple tree.Calling Christ an apple tree isn't very Biblical, is it?
RH: Well, there are apple trees in the Song of Songs (Song of Solomon), Eccles.
E: A bit far-fetched, Rolf. Still, resting under the tree, and eating its fruit, do tie in well with general Christian doctrine, IF you interpret Christ as an apple tree.
RH: I wrote another verse, all about drinking cider and falling over under the apple tree, but the Spiritual Magazine cut it out.
There's too much cider in my cup, I need someone to pick me up. Since I can't stand right now, Lord, see Me doze beneath the apple tree.
Ooh, arr, we appreciates the fruit of an apple tree.
E: That was probably best. Moreover, apples have cosmetic uses, so I've written an extra verse for you:
My skin is wrinkled, full of spots, But luckily I now get lots Of vitamins, A, B and C, In lotion from the apple tree.Er, I left out Christ, as I am still not sure that He really has much to do with this hymn.
RH: Thanks, Eccles. Shall we contact the Spiritual Magazine? They may like to publish a new edition of my words.
E: Didn't it merge with the Tablet? Ah no, it's probably turned into this:
Spiritual journalism.
RH: Well, thank you very much, Eccles.
E: My pleasure, Rolf.
Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:
Lord of the Dance.
Shine, Jesus, shine.
Enemy of apathy.
Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.
Follow me.
God's
Spirit is in my heart.
Imagine.
Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.
I, the Lord of sea and sky.
Colours of day.
The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.
I watch the sunrise.
Bind us together, Lord.
Our god reigns.
My way.
Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.
If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.
The Galilee song.
The perfect face.
