Muddled Jorge gets provisional Vatican approval

The Vatican on Thursday issued a statement acknowledging that some spiritual fruits had come from the regular apparitions of Muddled Jorge, also known as Pope Francis.

A statue that could be anyone but is probably supposed to represent the Pope.

Although these apparitions have come under a lot of criticism, since some of the messages uttered are said to be in direct contradiction to Catholic teaching, the Vatican still felt able to issue a "Nihil Obstat" (or "See No Evil") to the cult of Muddled Jorge.

"The positive assessment that some of the messages of Muddled Jorge are edifying does not imply a declaration that they have a direct supernatural origin" said the note from the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith. Indeed, compared with some of the documents for which Dicastery Prefect Víctor Manuel Fernández is directly responsible, such as Fiducia supplicans (signed off by Pope Francis when he thought someone was simply asking for his autograph), many of the papal teachings have been completely orthodox.

This book is still waiting for a Nihil Obstat.

Thus, as a result of the Vatican's statement, pilgrimages to Rome will be allowed to continue, but no reponsibility will be borne for any teachings passed on to visitors.

How Catholics should celebrate Ramadan

As we all know, "Ramadan" is just the Arabic word for "Lent", and it should be celebrated in that spirit, as several great Catholic leaders of our time have pointed out. First came Cardinal Dolan.

Ramadan is a holy season and Muslims set us a good example.

Sounds uncontroversial, doesn't it? We simply need to celebrate as the Muslims do. After all "Allahu Akbar" sounds very like "Alleluia" so we can sing either of these. Or, better still, shout them at people we meet in the street.

Personally, I try not to eat during the daytime but have a big blow-out after dusk. A huge plate of hot crescent buns, for example.

Cardinal! Don't you realise it's Ramadan?

Then we come to Cardinal Cupich, who would not be seen dead participating in a traditional Latin Mass, but is as happy celebrating Ramadan as he is in one of Fr James Martin's LGBTSJ-friendly happenings.

Let's all attend Novus Ordo Iftars!

Finally, let's see what the relevant dicastery (the word means "circus" these days) has to say. Unfortunately, their ecumenical efforts only merit 5/10, as they refer to "Muslims" as "Museums", probably having Christianity's Sea of Gallery in mind.

Still, they have already received a letter of thanks from Tristram Hunt, Director of the Victoria and Albert museum.

Dialogue is always a good replacement for worship.

So where does this feast of inter-religious dialogue leave us? I can see only one way of dealing with this: ENCOURAGE THE MUSLIMS TO BE SYNODAL. All they need to do is to get a bunch of self-styled experts to sit in a large room and bore each other to death.

Meanwhile, our own Synod (theme: "a kenotic decentering as a new way of being Church") is now destined to drag on until 2025, or even later.

Deo Gratias!

Tucho embarks on a book-signing

Cardinal "Tucho" Fernàndez, Head of the Vatican Dicastery for Naughty Things, is now embarking on a tour of Rome's bookshops, signing copies of the reprinted version of his hard-porn best-seller "Mystical Passion", which, he explains, he wrote as a "clarification" of his previous soft-porn book, "Kiss me, Cheeky!"

For those wishing to obtain signed copies of the learned treatise, described by Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is as "A little intellectual for me, but otherwise fine", Tucho will be at "Dirty Books 'R' us" at 9 a.m., the "Porno Emporium" at 10, and the Vatican Library at 11.

One satisfied customer (until the Pope changes his mind).

Meanwhile, we have had no comments from Pope Teflon, so it seems that he is still entirely happy to see Tucho directing the doctrine of the Catholic Church. There are others equally qualified to take over Tucho's job, such as Pope Teflon's good friends Marko Rupnik and Gustavo Zanchetta, but it seems that they may miss out this time.

"The buck never reached me, so how can it stop here?"

Addendum: no comments yet from Lamb, Ivereigh, etc. as far as I know. But they probably need to read the book thoroughly - say half-a-dozen times - before commenting.

Fr Spadaro takes up education

Over now to St Bergoglio's Jesuit College, where the head teacher is just introducing a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON to the primary class.

HT: Now class, I want you all to give a big welcome to Fr Antonio Spadaro from the Dicastery for Culture and Education. He's going to give you all a lesson so that we can see how modern education works.

The Pope meets a cultured and educated man.

AS: Hello, everyone. Let's see what you know. We'll start with some hard sums. What is 2 plus 2, can anyone tell me?

Child 1: Please, sir, I know. It's 4.

AS: You miserable backwardist MORON! [Child 1 bursts into tears.] Someone else?

[Cries of "3", "but it is 4", "5", "a million zillion squillion", "ask the Synod".]

AS: Clearly you are no good at hard sums. As budding Jesuits you should never give a clear answer, anyway. The answer is it MAY be 5. but it MAY not be. Got that?

[Class looks puzzled, and the teacher continues.]

AS: Let's try Physics. What is electric, and has fields of attraction and repulsion round it?

[Class: "a magnet", "a battery", "a wire", "a robot".]

AS: No, you're all wrong! You witless worms!

And now, the Janitor gives the correct answer!

AS: We'll do some spiritual exercises later, when Professor James Martin comes over in his rainbow leotard to teach you about Ignatian Yoga. Meanwhile, can anyone answer this one? Who is worshipped by the Catholic Church?

Child 2: Jesus, sir!

AS: Wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!! Jesus is indifferent to suffering, peevish and insensitive, unbreakably harsh, an unmerciful theologian, rigid, and confused. What's more, He is definitely an indietrist, refusing to adapt to modern society. Don't you realise that "Jesuit" is a short form of "Jesus Insult"? That should give you a clue what attitude to adopt.

[Child 2 runs out of the class. Other children makes guesses such as "Mary", "Peter", "Arthur Roche" and "Tucho Fernández".]

AS: I despair of you, children! The answer is Pope Francis! Francis the humble! Francis, the man with his own Magisterium. Francis the saintly! Francis the only pope who was ever infallible!

Well, that's enough Education. We'll discuss Culture another day.

[Head teacher runs screaming from the room.]