The Franciscan Friars of the Filthy

We were privileged to be invited to talk to Fr Sid Polecat, superior of the order Congregatio Fratrum Franciscanorum Spurcae, the Franciscan Friars of the Filthy (FFF). Its sister organization, the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, has been placed under restraint from on high - a moratorium on ordinations, restrictions on EF Mass, exile of some of its members, Fr Fidenzio Vulpine peering through the window and making faces at them, etc. However, in contrast, the FFF has received a papal gold star for good conduct.

Fr Sid.

The FFF cannot in any way be described as a traditionalist group. Unusually for monks, they are a mixed order, with each cell being occupied by one man and one woman; well, some may be occupied by two men, but who am I to judge? In line with the Spirit of Vatican II, their worship consists of the Novissimus Ordo, a form of the Mass which has been specially translated so as to eliminate all references to God, Jesus, Sin, Hell and Confession, let alone those words which so many Tablet readers find difficult such as Consubstantial and Communion. In place of the homily, their Mass features a fifteen-minute excerpt from an improving video, such as Fifty Shades of Grey or Game of Thrones.

Fr Vulpine reassures the Pope that the FFF is as modern as possible.

Unlike modern translations of the liturgy, which unaccountably fail to mention clowns, puppets, liturgical can-cans, and the Grope of Peace - all introduced on an ad hoc basis by more progressive priests - the FFF's own liturgy has these as compulsory parts of the service. Since the Kyrie, Gloria, Credo, etc. were removed there is plenty of space for praising God (or at least Man) in these ways.

In line with their "filthy" label, the FFF spend their afternoons in muddy sports, such as pig-wrestling, Rugby football or jumping into heaps of manure; it was suggested that afterwards they might retire to the mixed baths in order to recapture the spirituality of the Garden of Eden, but in fact the monks and nuns prefer to keep God's Good Soil (or possibly Good Dung) close to their bodies.

A group of spiritual nuns grapples with a pig.

Father Polecat, whose cell is decorated with pictures of his spiritual idols - I noticed Bugnini, Martini, Harriet Harman and Hillary Clinton - is optimistic about the future of the order. "Spiritually-inclined young people, many of whom naturally reject conventional Catholicism as being too focused on Christ, often discover that lounging around, wallowing in mud, and refusing to repress their normal lusts and desires is a very attractive lifestyle. Fortunately, we have friends in high places who agree." Certainly nobody would describe them as self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians, and this may be the key to their success!

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 1

1. Now there was abiding in the town of Nai-rob-i a woman, named Jean Mary Vyvyan Dawkins, whom some called "Selfish Jean," wedded to a man, named Clinton John Dawkins.

2. This man was an an agricultural civil servant, and drank many cups of tea in the service of the King.

3. And he was a man of great power and might, who controlled the supply of animal manure to the peoples of the land of Ken-ya. And their crops grew in abundance.

4. Now it came to pass that an angel of the Lord came down to visit Jean, and said, "Congratulations, you shall give birth to an atheist."

5. "And you shall call him 'Clinton Richard,' after his father; and he will be known as 'Richard,' or, to his enemies as 'Dr Bonkers.'" However, he shall not drink many cups of tea in the service of the King."

6. "Still, you must train him well, so that, like his father, he may devote his skills to seeing that the people lack not a goodly supply of manure, that which is called s'hit."

More manure.

7. And so Jean gave birth to her son, and laid him in a manger, for she had hopes that the family's pet lion cub might consume such a repulsive child.

8. But the Lord watched over young Richard, and he was not consumed. And Jean wept, saying that a curse was come upon her family.

9. Now it came to pass, when Richard was eight years of age, that he went with his parents to a far-off land called England, which is to say, "The land of the heroic but sometimes rather gullible."

10. And he studied amongst the doctors and sages in a place called Ound-le, which is to say "An academy for the sons of gentlefolk, or at least rich folk."

11. And Richard was told of the ways of the Lord, and he learnt of many wondrous things, such as the fact that Salathiel begot Zorobabel, and Zorobabel begot Abiud. However, some say that he rather missed the point of St Matthew's Gospel there.

12. He also learned from the Book of Matthew that the hen doth gather her chickens under her wings, a piece of wisdom that he retained in his heart. 

13. For later he was to write a scholarly thesis on the subject of chickens, that all men might say "Truly this is indeed a learned doctor, for he knoweth the way of the chicken."

14. But one day, when Richard was still a child, the Devil entered into his heart, and he said "ROFL."

15. Which meaneth, "I have considered all the arguments for the existence of God, and chosen to ignore them. Let us dance the dance that is known as Yakety-Sax."

16. And thus he made his way to Ox-ford, the land of the doctors and wise men. Although some say that there were wiser men at Cam-bridge.

Continued in Chapter 2.