Pope Francis issues pep pills to all clergy

Following his criticism of Catholic clergy for not working hard enough, Pope Francis will be issuing papal pep pills to all priests, deacons and bishops, so that they may be able to work a 23-hour day.

Habemus pep pill!

As his Holiness points out, clergy get a lot of "rest and relaxation" time each day, when they are either on their knees or sitting down listening to the choir (etc.), and they should not require more than this. "You don't catch me sleeping!" he said. "If I have some spare time I go out and get some selfies taken with the faithful. Even on aeroplane trips I don't sleep or listen to the in-flight movie, but stand up and preach, without notes, without any preparation, and often without thinking!"

A pope, hard at work.

"Unlike many priests and deacons, I am available 24/7," continued Pope Francis. "At 4 a.m. I telephone random Catholics and tell them that they are self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagians. Curiously, they don't seem to be grateful for this information, and they often swear at me and disconnect the call. Which rather proves my point."

Too many churches put up signs like this.

However, not all clergy are as industrious as the pope. Said one Catholic bishop who wishes to remain nameless: "The Holy Father should try doing my job sometime. Even though I've moved all the feast days to Sunday, some people are expecting me to clock in on weekdays as well. And I've got a pile of letters of complaint about Tina Beattie that reaches to the ceiling. Even though I don't read them, let alone answer them, the effort of ignoring them is wearing me out!"

Pope seeks Catholic forgiveness for persecution

After apologising to the Protestant churches for the persecution they suffered during the Reformation - and most of us didn't even know that he was personally responsible, so it's very good of him to take the blame after all these years - Pope Francis has now made the grand apology that we've all been waiting for.

Cardinals queue up to forgive Pope Francis.

"It's time for me to apologise for the persecution for which I myself am responsible, rather than some long-dead people that I never even knew," he said. "Therefore I wish to apologise to traditional Catholics for all the persecution they have suffered in the last three years."

The Pope went on to apologise for the treatment of the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, for the bullying of Cardinal Burke, and for frightening people with threats to change Catholic teaching on marriage and the family.

"I apologise for not clubbing President Morales over the head with this abominable object."

The Holy Father went on to apologise for all the insults he had come out with on a daily basis, including the notorious "self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagian" epithet. He was also very sorry for his ferocious outburst against the Curia in Rome, when he accused them of suffering from "spiritual Alzheimer's".

"Such rudeness is inexcusable," he admitted. "As Pope I am supposed to preach love and mercy, but sometimes I simply can't manage it. But you know how irritating Catholics can be - just because Jesus taught something, and it's been agreed by the Church for two thousand years, they tell me it has some sort of official validity, and so I can't change it. You wouldn't find the Protestants making that sort of mistake!"

"And I'm sorry I left handprints all over your painting."

How to be a popular Pope

In the spring of last year I received an urgent telephone call from Rome: "Eccles, I have just been elected Pope. I've done the 'Oh my goodness I never expected this' routine and the 'I'd like to thank my parents, my teachers, my auntie Carmen, my pet donkey Diego, and all the cardinals who voted for me' speech, and even the 'I love you all' bit. So what can I do now to become the most popular pope in history?"

It would be wrong of me to say who consulted me.

My client comes from South America, where the forms of worship are rather different from those in Europe and North America, for example. There it is considered de rigueur to give the Mass the air of a wild party - so Pinocchio puppets, tango dancing, dodgy footballers, angels on roller skates, etc. are all considered a necessary part of the liturgy, in a way that is rarely seen, for example, at the Brompton Oratory. Despite being Latin American, my anonymous friend is not a fan of Latin, and he would be quite happy to make Italian the universal language of the Catholic Church.

"Well, George," I told him (I call him George because I have known him since he was a humble cardinal). "The main problem popes have is that they are Catholic. As a result they get bad publicity in the liberal press. SEXIST SKY-FAIRY BELIEVER IN SILLY DRESS REFUSES TO ALLOW GAY PRIDE MARCH IN VATICAN - as the Tablet put it. You must become a liberal yourself."

"Did the Tablet really say that?" asked George.

"Yes, it was in Prof. Eamon Duffy's learned commentary on the Acts of the Apostles. Harsh words about St Peter, there."

Chilling out with Eamon Duffy (R).

"Now, what people don't like about popes is that they think they have a fairly comfortable lifestyle," I continued. "What can you do to counter that?"

"Comfortable?" asked George in amazement. "I have to go to two-hour masses in the middle of the night, I have to meet all sort of crazy people from lands where the Catholic Church is in disarray - have you met my stalker - he's a chap called Cormac - by the way? - and then I have to travel around the world and kiss airport runways when I land. Ugh."

"Still, you could dress more humbly than Benedict did. No papal fanon or red shoes - give them to the poor. Get down with the 'yoof' by wearing a papal baseball cap, tee-shirt, jeans and trainers. It works for the Anglicans."

Getting down with the yoof.

"Now, how about rewriting Christian teaching?" I suggested.

"I can't do that - I'm the pope!" said George. "It may be all right for German cardinals - they're basically Protestant anyway - but if I start taking a soft line on divorce, abortion, or homosexual acts, then I'll be eaten alive! Mundabor and Rorate Caeli will call me an anti-pope. Father Z will be perplexed. Father Hunwicke will say something learned and incomprehensible, but all his readers will know he's calling me a heretic. Even Damian Thompson will start criticising my hairstyle."

"Tricky, isn't it?" I agreed. "How about making a few off-the-record throwaway remarks that are obviously foolish, but which can be taken up as liberal soundbites? Ask 'Who am I to judge?' when some ghastly sin is mentioned. Have a go at self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagianism - nobody knows what it is, but it sounds as if you are getting tough on traddies. For that matter, why not persecute some very devout but rather traditional order of friars? Tell them that unless they bring in clown masses toot sweet they will be closed down!"

Yo-ho-holy! A new look for the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate.

"I know - I could hold a synod!" said George delightedly. "I'll spin it that we are rewriting the New Testament so that the more embarrassing parts of Christ's teaching can be quietly dropped. Then if one of those awkward customers like Burke and Pell starts complaining, I can deny it all and blame it on 'loopy' Kasper. By the way, I'm going to have to do something about Burke: he keeps accosting me in the Vatican tea-rooms and sneering 'Are you really the Pope? Oh good grief!' Now I can sack him!"

"Good thinking, Holy Mate," I said (I call him Holy Mate because we used to go drinking together). "Don't worry about offending orthodox Catholics - they would have preferred Benedict anyway, and besides they'll go to Mass whoever the pope is. Dumb down, take the Christ out of Christianity, add an N, and what have you got?"

George contemplated my brilliant wordplay for a moment, before replying "Inanity. Yes, what the world is looking for is a Pope of Inanity!"

The Franciscan Friars of the Filthy

We were privileged to be invited to talk to Fr Sid Polecat, superior of the order Congregatio Fratrum Franciscanorum Spurcae, the Franciscan Friars of the Filthy (FFF). Its sister organization, the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, has been placed under restraint from on high - a moratorium on ordinations, restrictions on EF Mass, exile of some of its members, Fr Fidenzio Vulpine peering through the window and making faces at them, etc. However, in contrast, the FFF has received a papal gold star for good conduct.

Fr Sid.

The FFF cannot in any way be described as a traditionalist group. Unusually for monks, they are a mixed order, with each cell being occupied by one man and one woman; well, some may be occupied by two men, but who am I to judge? In line with the Spirit of Vatican II, their worship consists of the Novissimus Ordo, a form of the Mass which has been specially translated so as to eliminate all references to God, Jesus, Sin, Hell and Confession, let alone those words which so many Tablet readers find difficult such as Consubstantial and Communion. In place of the homily, their Mass features a fifteen-minute excerpt from an improving video, such as Fifty Shades of Grey or Game of Thrones.

Fr Vulpine reassures the Pope that the FFF is as modern as possible.

Unlike modern translations of the liturgy, which unaccountably fail to mention clowns, puppets, liturgical can-cans, and the Grope of Peace - all introduced on an ad hoc basis by more progressive priests - the FFF's own liturgy has these as compulsory parts of the service. Since the Kyrie, Gloria, Credo, etc. were removed there is plenty of space for praising God (or at least Man) in these ways.

In line with their "filthy" label, the FFF spend their afternoons in muddy sports, such as pig-wrestling, Rugby football or jumping into heaps of manure; it was suggested that afterwards they might retire to the mixed baths in order to recapture the spirituality of the Garden of Eden, but in fact the monks and nuns prefer to keep God's Good Soil (or possibly Good Dung) close to their bodies.

A group of spiritual nuns grapples with a pig.

Father Polecat, whose cell is decorated with pictures of his spiritual idols - I noticed Bugnini, Martini, Harriet Harman and Hillary Clinton - is optimistic about the future of the order. "Spiritually-inclined young people, many of whom naturally reject conventional Catholicism as being too focused on Christ, often discover that lounging around, wallowing in mud, and refusing to repress their normal lusts and desires is a very attractive lifestyle. Fortunately, we have friends in high places who agree." Certainly nobody would describe them as self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians, and this may be the key to their success!

Are you a bat-like Christian?

Time for a little spiritual nourishment.

Pope Francis has said that there are many "funeral" Christians who are afraid of the joy of the Resurrection; instead, they are "Christian bats" who prefer the shadows to the light of the presence of the Lord.

I admit it, I am somewhat bat-like.

The thought will no doubt have struck many of our readers: am I a bat? Here are a few tell-tale signs:

1. Do you emit high-pitched squeaks (and we don't just mean the 
"music" of Paul Inwood)?
2. Do you sleep hanging upside-down in a shed (or a cave)?
3. Do you like eating insects?

If you can answer NO to all these questions, you are probably not a bat. You may still be a self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagian, but at least you don't scare passers-by after dark.

Holy Pepinsters, Batman! We're late for Mass!

Pope Francis has also given us an Argentine proverb: When you get burnt by boiling milk, later when you see a cow you start crying. Fortunately, this is not an ex cathedra statement (although it may have more authority than a telephone call to a confused old bat lady). However, just in case it applies in your case, we apologise for making you cry with the following picture. Think of it as necessary therapy.

If you have tears, prepare to shed them now. >

Reading Francis through Eccles

Pope Francis has a habit of making off-the-cuff remarks, some of which are misreported, mistranslated, misunderstood, or simply too profound to be understood immediately. As a service to our long-suffering readers, we present a cut-out-and-throw-away guide to some of the Holy Father's alleged obiter dicta.

That's a fine Pinocchio puppet. May we borrow it for the Good Friday Mass in Rome?

Eccles writes: Pope Francis is known for his courtesy. Rather than telling people to stop patronizing God and dumbing down his worship, he uses a gently ironic tone. The priest to whom these words were spoken is now a dyed-in-the-wool traditionalist, who offers the Extraordinary Form of the Mass, replacing Pinocchio with a large Pius X puppet.

How nice to see you, President Hollande. I am a great admirer of yours.

In fact, what the Pope said was, "Thou hast had five mistresses: and she whom thou now hast is not thy wife, either, you dirty old man (John 4:18). Oh, and you can drop that stupid same-sex marriage nonsense too." As a result, President Hollande has vowed to lead a much better life, and is now training as a Catholic priest (fortunately, he has never married).

Will someone do something about that bloody crow?

Almost certainly, Pope Francis said nothing of the sort. We believe he said, "As St Francis did, I love all God's creatures. Although, to be fair, it is sometimes hard to love mosquitoes."

Self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagians? Arentchasickofem?

Pope Francis's words were in fact a little more nuanced. "Who am I to judge if people sincerely wish to practise neo-pelagianism? Of course I prefer them to do so in a non-Promethean way, if at all possible. And if they insist on being self-absorbed as well, then perhaps they should think again about the possible implications of their practices."

The ancient liturgy is just a fashion.

Of course no Pope would ever make a derogatory comment about the Latin Mass, given that its importance was stressed at the Vatican II council, and the fact that Catholics throughout the ages have treasured its beauty, richness, and holiness. Clearly, the Holy Father was simply trying to be "nice" to a group of Latin-hating Czechs, including the notorious Basil Lovtuš, Pavel Invód, and representatives of the infamous Bíttapil newspaper.

The bouncing pope

Pope Francis has revealed that he was once employed as a bouncer.

Pope Francis in his younger days.

The Holy Father worked in a variety of locations in his native Argentina. For example, as a very junior priest, he would say "Go, the Mass is ended" at the end of a service, and woe betide anyone who refused to leave promptly: they might find themselves leaving on all fours.

Later, as Cardinal Archbishop of Buenos Aires, Francis made it his particular concern to stand at the door of the cathedral as people went in for Mass. Once in a while he would block someone's entry with an "Oi! You! You're a self-absorbed promethean neopelagian! Beat it, before I beat it for you!" followed by a "Bless you" as the erring worshipper hurriedly beat a retreat.

Pelagius - had his teeth smashed in by Augustine of Hippo.

It is not commonly known, but many papal conclaves have concluded with trials of physical strength: it doesn't matter too much if a pope keeps confusing St Peter with St Paul - the names are very much alike - but it is necessary for him to be able to fight off rival contenders for the throne of St Paul. I mean Peter.

Pope Francis wrestles Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor into submission.

Only orthodox fighting methods are allowed in the Vatican: for example the ancient art of Hans Kung Fu is regarded as heretical, as is hitting one's opponent in the face with a quiche (or Flannery, as it is called).

Cardinals train regularly.

Meanwhile, Catholic priests are urged to keep themselves in peak physical condition: in particular, if anyone arrives at their church carrying a guitar, he should be firmly prevented from entering, as indeed should anyone who is dressed for liturgical dancing. You have been warned.

Bishop John Robinson represented the Anglicans against the Catholics in the 1970s.