Brexodus 17 - Maysis loseth another vote - or doth she?

Continued from Chapter 16

1. After her splendid defeat in the first month of the year, where those who said "Nay" outnumbered those who said "Yeah" by two hundred and thirty, Maysis returned to the courts of Pharaoh Juncker to talk again.

2. But there was little on the table, apart from several bottles of the finest wine.

3. However, after many nights' drinking together, Maysis and the Pharaoh came up with a new deal.

4. "It is not right that the children of Bri-tain should each donate half a kilogram of flesh to EUgypt," said Maysis, "and I have persuaded the Pharaoh to change that to one pound of flesh."

"Nor cut thou less nor more, But just a pound of flesh."

5. "Likewise, some of the other clauses in the deal were too strong, and I have persuaded the Pharaoh to change some full stops to colons, some colons to semi-colons, and some semi-colons to commas."

6. "However, the backstop remaineth a backstop, and not a back-colon."

7. So Maysis returned to the House of Common People and took another vote. And this time she was defeated by one hundred and forty-nine.

8. And Maysis rejoiced, saying, "Lo, I need only take three more votes on this matter, and the nay-sayers will have vanished like unto a thief in the night."

9. But Ber-cow, he who was the Squeaker in the House of Common People, said, "Nay, thou must try something else. For it would be a strange breach of precedent to vote again. In the House of Common People, only I am allowed strange breeches."

Ber-cow showeth his strange breeches.

10. And Maysis said, "We have booked a passage across the Red Sea for the twenty-ninth day of the third month. Seventy times seven times have I have said that we shall leave on that date. And so we shall. Or perhaps on another date."

11. And there was a great shout from the people, "We want the end of May!" For Maysis had lost the people's favour.

12. So Maysis returned once more to the courts of Juncker, to be told, "We want the end of May, too. But we may insist on April."

13. Thus the House of Common People prepared itself for yet more votes on how to proceed: they asked for a People's Vote, a Traitors' Vote, a Crooks' vote, a Maniacs' vote, a Liars' vote, a Lunatics' vote, and yet many more, so that all members of the House of Common People would be included.

14. And there arose a mighty petition, which attracted millions to sign it, including famous celebrities such as Brian Cox the actor, Jennifer Saunders the scientist, and Anthony Grayling the comedian.

15. And so popular was it that people from distant North Ko-rea and Af-ghani-stan rushed to sign it.

16. And finally there came a wave of bots to sign the petition, along with the puppets of Sock. Until finally the signatures outnumbered the people of Bri-tain one hundredfold.

Yet more signatures for the petition.

17. And all waited to see whether the House of Common People could agree on anything at all.

Continued in Chapter 18

The Sockpuppets of the Vatican

One of the most curious cases that I ever encountered with my friend Sherlock Holmes took us to the eternal city of Rome.

The Vatican!

"So, Watson, we have been called in to investigate how the Vatican City, which numbers a mere 840 people, managed to attract 42,000 signatures for an online petition demanding a second EU referendum."

"But Holmes, why do they want another referendum, anyway?"

"Really, Watson, that is childishly simple. They got an answer they did not like, so naturally they wanted to run the vote again. But we are faced here with the interesting case of the Sockpuppets of the Vatican."

"But the Vatican, Holmes? Is this not a crime that one associates more with dens of iniquity such as North Korea or Chiswick?"

Holmes nodded his assent, took out his violin, and played some haunting selections from the works of Paul Inwood. I hurriedly fled into another room, knowing that I could do nothing about my friend's addiction to bad music.

"Now, Lorenzo, here is the list of sockpuppet accounts that you asked for."

When all was peaceful again, I had a suggestion to make.

"Could it be the doing of Cardinal Baldisseri?" I asked. "He is an experienced manipulator of synods, and maybe he has moved into other forms of chicanery."

"I think not, Watson. His hands are full with another matter. Following requests that the last papal conclave be re-run, on the grounds that the St Gallen Mafia had fixed it, he has been masterminding his own response.

Indeed, a giant petition signed by 42,000 cardinals - some with previously unknown names such as Cardinal Eccles, Cardinal Custard and Cardinal Biggles - has expressed its complete and utter faith in the election of Pope Francis. Baldisseri has had no time for other activities."

Another suspect?

I then suggested that Emeritus Pope Benedict, who had retired from the Chair of St Peter, expressing the wish to spend more time in "praying, tweeting and checking up on spiritually nourishing blogs", might have a hand in the sockpuppetry.

"I did indeed consider him as a possible suspect," agreed Holmes. "After telegraphing to my agents in Bavaria, I even discovered that 'Benedict' is not his real name, and that he is known to his oldest friends as 'Holy Joe'. However, he was definitely otherwise engaged when the crime was committed. No, he is not the Napoleon of Crime that we seek."

Meanwhile, the word "Napoleon" had triggered something in Holmes's mind. "Watson, this is definitely a three-prayer problem. Leave me in peace to meditate in St Peter's Basilica - you will recognise it by the moving picture about monkeys playing on the outside - and we shall see if divine inspiration arrives."

After a restful doze through a three-hour sermon from Cardinal Kasper on "Why fornication is the new marriage", Holmes had a new suspect.

Fr Napoleon Rosica? Surely not!

"No, that's impossible," he said. "Surely there must be some other explanation..."

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 6

Continued from Chapter 5.

1. So the children of Britain came finally to vote on whether they should remain in the land of EUgypt.

2. And half of them said "stay", and half said "go", but slightly more said "go". So it was decided that the people should leave the courts of Juncker.

3. And Cam-aaron was exceedingly grieved, and said "Alas, I cannot take you into the wilderness: I shall resign my position as High Priest, and eke out a humble existence advising the rich and powerful, eating massive dinners, and giving speeches to those who can afford me."

4. For this had earlier been done by the great warlord Blair, he who had conquered the lands of Mesopotamia, at least briefly.

Cam-aaron and his handmaiden prepare for a life of riches.

5. However, many of those who had voted to remain in the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh lamented in deep distress: indeed they wept for several days, refusing to be comforted.

6. Some spake out with a voice of wrath, saying "We must vote again, as the common people have given us the wrong answer." And others, more gentle, suggested, "Er, best of three?"

7. Said one man: "It is mostly the fault of the aged men, who voted to leave. For, as it is written, God giveth wisdom to the young man, and folly to the old."

8. Said another: "Indeed, my son is sore distressed that he could not vote. He is only two but he hath a mighty grasp of the issues."

Disenfranchised.

9. Next, a great petition was born, with ten thousand times ten thousand signatures, mostly in the names of the puppets that are called Sock.

10. And others, who had earlier voted to leave, spake out, saying "I knew not that I was voting to leave. For I thought that I had entered my name into a prize draw, that I might win a camel or at least a box of dates."

11. Then another man, whose name was Lammy, which is to say, "Stupid", cried out with a loud voice, saying "Let us ignore the vote completely. For the voters are not blessed with wisdom such as I possess."

On another day, Lammy commenteth on the election of a High Priest.

12. Thus no man could tell whether the will of the people would prevail, and whether Bosis would indeed be able to lead his people towards the promised land.

Continued in Chapter 7.