Pope eats ordinary food

Vatican-watchers were astounded today when Pope Francis came into the canteen at lunchtime and ate some food. "I didn't think that popes ate food like ordinary people," said one witness. "Aren't they nourished directly by the Holy Spirit? Next you'll be telling us that he has to buy his clothes at Gammarelli, rather than being clothed in white by angels."

That chap in white - haven't I seen him on the telly?

After a simple meal of pasta, cod and tomatoes (reports by aged Italian journalists that Pope Francis ate some processed lion meat - or "Burger Leo" - on a Friday are almost certainly inaccurate) the pope went to the washroom, where he is said to have squirted some Olio di Nichols onto his hands, before washing them in simple unblessed tap water and holding them for five minutes under a CORMAC^TM hot-air hand-dryer.

The Pope is presented with an almost human-looking CORMAC^TM hand-dryer.

Meanwhile, the Pope's private cook, Cardinal Dolan, was less than happy with events. "I cook the Pope a simple meal of Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam, and he sneaks off and eats in the canteen. Now, I'll have to eat it all myself."

Cardinal Dolan makes the best of it.