2013 and all that (part 2)

Continued from Part 1.

In the third year of his reign, Pope Francis the Humble produced a papal encyclopedia, called Laudato Si'. Since they did not speak Italian, most people thought that this was a new type of pasta, and were very disappointed when it turned out to be something totally indigestible.

Re-arrange these letters into something spiritually nourishing.

Laudato Si' was all about the environment, and the Pope humbly explained that flying in aeroplanes and giving press conferences was bad for Mother Earth; indeed, every time a journalist asked a question, a polar bear burst into flames. Also, he explained that biodiversity was more important than anything else, even religion. This led to a great increase in the number of pandas, blue whales, and Sumatran tigers adopted by Catholics.

Pope Francis adopts a rare tiger.

It was also time for the second Sinner of the Family, so that lots of bishops could come to Rome and see which sins they most enjoyed. The bishops voted for their favourite sins, and in the end Cardigan Baldacchino told them they had got it all wrong, and that Pope Francis would have to write a humble Apostolic Expiration called Amorous Letitia, to tell them what they should have said.

Meanwhile, Pope Francis, being a merciful as well as a humble pope, decided that the Church should have a Year of Mercy. This was to be the first of a series of years celebrating the things Pope Francis held sacred, and future ones would be called the Year of Pizza, Year of Football, and Year of Tango.

Auditions for the Year of Tango.

In the Year of Mercy, all churches had to have a door called the Door of Mercy for people to enter by if they were feeling merciful. Those who did not feel merciful were allowed to enter by the Window of Cruelty instead.

Pope Francis's reign was known for the custom of using silly logos for all events, because all the sensible logos had already been used. One of his advisers said "Let's use a logo of a two-headed Cyclops on skis - we haven't had that one before, have we?" After checking the records of all Catholic logos used, all the way back to the 1st Century, it was confirmed that nobody had thought of that logo before, not even St John when he wrote his Logos Doctrine. So the logo was adopted, and the Catholic faithful were briefly united in crying for mercy whenever they saw it.

Mercy! Mercy!

In the next part, we meet Amorous Letitia; also Burke is Dubious, and Fra' Matthew stops Feasting.

Is Pope Francis really weird?

One thing that both traditionalists and modernists seem to agree on is that Pope Francis is a very unusual pope. Is he the new broom that will sweep away traditional Catholic doctrine for good, institute same-sex marriages, stop everyone from "obsessing" about abortion, and free the oppressed and fearful - such as the aged folk of ACTA, who eagerly await the second coming of the Spirit of Vatican II? Or is he basically a mildly eccentric old uncle, who means well, but occasionally seems a bit dotty?

Pope Francis turns down the offer of a nose-piercing.

The explanation for Pope Francis's behaviour is very simple: he is not European, and therefore not what some people expected. Let us explain this with reference to three types of pope: a hypothetical English pope, a German, and an Argentine.

An English pope.

An English pope drinks dry martinis, wears evening dress under his fanon, thinks Lourdes is a cricket ground, spends the evening watching Strictly Come Liturgical Dancing, and Downton Abbey, and gets his theology from the works of G.K. Chesterton. The style of liturgical dancing he prefers is Morris dancing, or the Alleluia Cha-Cha of Paul Inwood. All educated Englishmen are like that.

A German pope.

A German pope wears Lederhosen, drinks beer, eats lots of sausages, gets his theology from the heavy guys like Hieronymus von Kartoffelsalat, and reads Kant in the bath. He may prefer the sort of liturgical dance where everyone slaps each other in the face and ends up under the altar.

An Argentine pope strives to please one of his flock.

However, Argentine popes are rather different. They are often brought up on a diet of corned beef, and addicted to watching the sort of football match where fouling is tolerated (so be careful the pope doesn't trip you up when God isn't looking). The greatest theologian he has read is Diego Maradona. The tango is the natural liturgical dance for an Argentine pope, although he may not take part himself. It is not known whether such popes are likely to have scorpions tattooed on their shoulders.

An Argentine handball player and theologian.

Jewish popes are the most eccentric, perhaps. Although they don't wear red noses, as far as we know, they often have a fascination with fish, and dress even more simply than Pope Francis. Very strange.

Congratulations! You've been elected Pope!

Annoying people to be banned

Theresa May, the Home Secretary, is proposing to introduce legislation to ban annoyance, with the implementation of orders known as IPNAs (Injunctions to Prevent Nuisance and Annoyance).

This sort of irritating nuisance will probably be banned from our streets.

Naturally, we give Mrs May our full support here, as we find many things irritating. Following W.S. Gilbert with his little list, including:

There’s the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs –
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs – 

we have even attempted to make our own list, which included:

There are atheists like Dawkins who is nothing but a clown
For his books contain the biggest heap of garbage written down -

Yes, yes, yes, we must keep them all off the streets!

Even Damian Thompson (seen here with Fr Jorge Bergoglio receiving a cake from Mrs Gladys Mills) can be very irritating.

The important thing from now on is that everyone must be happy, and nobody must be irritated. Are you angry because your train is late? Well, now you will be able to put the managing director of Late Western in prison!

This being a mostly-religious blog, we are naturally delighted that the law will now enable us to dispose of our enemies in a state-sanctioned way - for we must not expect religious groups to have any exemptions! What is your particular hatred? Latin Masses? Paul Inwood? Carol Singers? The National Secular Society? Ban them!

Irritated by a liturgical tango? Tell Theresa!

Then again, wearing red noses in public is an established Catholic tradition, dating back to the encyclical De Nasis Rubris of Pope Pius XII, but some people do find it irritating, and Mrs May's law will make it illegal if anyone objects.

No longer shall we be seeing red-nosed popes!

So, what's not to like? All the irritating people will be driven off our streets - cyclists, motorists, pedestrians - and all the irritating newspapers - Guardian, Daily Mail, Babes in Custard - will be banned from sale. Surely, the great Theresa is onto a winner here!

And don't even think of participating in any demonstrations!