This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday 13 November 2013

Is Pope Francis really weird?

One thing that both traditionalists and modernists seem to agree on is that Pope Francis is a very unusual pope. Is he the new broom that will sweep away traditional Catholic doctrine for good, institute same-sex marriages, stop everyone from "obsessing" about abortion, and free the oppressed and fearful - such as the aged folk of ACTA, who eagerly await the second coming of the Spirit of Vatican II? Or is he basically a mildly eccentric old uncle, who means well, but occasionally seems a bit dotty?

Pope in headdress

Pope Francis turns down the offer of a nose-piercing.

The explanation for Pope Francis's behaviour is very simple: he is not European, and therefore not what some people expected. Let us explain this with reference to three types of pope: a hypothetical English pope, a German, and an Argentine.

Roger Moore

An English pope.

An English pope drinks dry martinis, wears evening dress under his fanon, thinks Lourdes is a cricket ground, spends the evening watching Strictly Come Liturgical Dancing, and Downton Abbey, and gets his theology from the works of G.K. Chesterton. The style of liturgical dancing he prefers is Morris dancing, or the Alleluia Cha-Cha of Paul Inwood. All educated Englishmen are like that.

Pope Benedict XVI

A German pope.

A German pope wears Lederhosen, drinks beer, eats lots of sausages, gets his theology from the heavy guys like Hieronymus von Kartoffelsalat, and reads Kant in the bath. He may prefer the sort of liturgical dance where everyone slaps each other in the face and ends up under the altar.

Pope and Kirchner

An Argentine pope strives to please one of his flock.

However, Argentine popes are rather different. They are often brought up on a diet of corned beef, and addicted to watching the sort of football match where fouling is tolerated (so be careful the pope doesn't trip you up when God isn't looking). The greatest theologian he has read is Diego Maradona. The tango is the natural liturgical dance for an Argentine pope, although he may not take part himself. It is not known whether such popes are likely to have scorpions tattooed on their shoulders.

Maradona

An Argentine handball player and theologian.

Jewish popes are the most eccentric, perhaps. Although they don't wear red noses, as far as we know, they often have a fascination with fish, and dress even more simply than Pope Francis. Very strange.

Jesus and fishermen

Congratulations! You've been elected Pope!

10 comments:

  1. Dear Sir,

    I would like to take issue with you traddies' repeatedly uttered contradictory nonsense about members of ACTA. You and your army of demented sockpuppets dismiss us as irrelevant and suggest we are old, decrepit, witless loons who hark back to a golden age of hippie free-love and a superficial understanding of Vatican II. Meanwhile, other traddy blogs suggest we are a dangerous subversive entryist group, undermining doctrine, disrespectful of the Pope and the magisterium, and intent on imposing a trotskyist take-over of the catholic church.

    Both of these views are insulting and entirely baseless. I am proud to declare myself a longstanding member of ACTA and can assure you that I have no idea what our aims actually are. For example, at the last meeting I attended in Caterham, I found a fellow ACTA member who was interested in exchanging rare early episodes of the Magic Roundabout on VHS. This is a good example of the kind of thing that is lacking in many parish churches across the country and why so many people feel the church is letting them down.

    Please cease your unkind parody of ACTA members and the ageist calumny that grossly suggests we are all over sixty, losing our marbles and probably transvestites.

    Yours etc.,
    Wing Cdr. Weedon Grossmith (RAF Retd.),
    Tunbridge Wells ACTA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. U is a sockpuppet. Only I is not a sockpuppet.

      Look out behind !!! A policeman in a red nose is out to get you !!!

      Delete
    2. Dear Sir,

      I is not a sockpuppet, only you is a sockpuppet.

      Yours etc.,
      Wing Cdr. Weedon Grossmith (RAF Retd.),
      Tunbridge Wells ACTA

      Delete
    3. Dear Sirs, you is sockpoppets - only Bosco is a sockpuppet #sayshessavd

      Delete
  2. Phew! I’m glad you didn’t portray an Irish Pope, Eccles – not that it is even a remote possibility.

    Plus the prospect of green vestments - not just per annum but perennially - doesn’t bear thinking about…

    ReplyDelete
  3. The last German Pope didn't drink beer, he drank lager. When asked if Pope Benedict really didn't know who Pele was — they met and were pictured shaking hands when Pope Benedict was in Cologne for the World Youth Day in Cologne in 2005 — Fr, later Mgr, Pat Burke replied: “He smokes Marlboro, drinks lager and supports Bayern Munich. So what do you think, Hughie?”

    ReplyDelete
  4. As a former spikey anglo papist who became Eastern Orthocox, I resonate with you all. I looooove incense and bells on the holy thurible, and eastern visions of celebrants behind the iconostasis.
    That said, I think popes should wear white down to their feetses, to distinguish themselves from other lesser perlates. Red shoes are good too!
    And Lederhosen, never! Nor white leggings whilst riding white horses, no!

    That is enuff from me, a heretick in your eyes probably, but I loooved PiusXii on that uplifted chair of his. Bring it back, guys, or the papacy will decline down to the floor....
    Jim of Olym

    ReplyDelete
  5. He certainly looks "wired" in the top photo.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The latest news is that Francis won't pay The Vatican mafia the protection money the predece$$or$ paid so they could be beautified & canoni$ed. He could be in danger from now on. The church is $o poor it can't pay anyway.

    ReplyDelete