This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 25 November 2011

How to blogg like Damain

Bosco and me we is very keen on Damain Thopmson's blogg, and especailly I likes de one he does on Friday nihgt, when he chooses a randdom sellectoin of topics like David Cammeron, Doctor Who and Richard Charters, and weaves dem into a coherrent narrattive. So I fuoght I'd do de same this time.


Bosco and me we has heard dat se Chair of St Peter is vacant, and dat de last real Pop was Pius XII. Here he is, rellaxin in de gruonds of de Vattican.

Pius XII

Dat news has sure come as a grate surrprise to Pop Bennedict. "Well, bless my sole," he said. "I seems to be an Antipop. I better ressign at once and let someone else take over. I wonder if I is allowed to keep de red shoes?"

Bosco is waitin in de wings for de white smoke from Rom, but he have got a specail Pop shirt in scarlet dat he can wear. So if dey phons him from Rom and says, "You is de new Pop, buster, has you got a shirt to wear?" he aint gonna be fuond wantin like de foolish vergers in de Bibble.

Pop shirt


In de Calumny Chappel Bosco and me we is often given spiritaul exxercises to occupy ourselves in de service. Dis is really to stop Bosco from shoutin, "You aint saved buster," at vissitors, and allows de uvver folk to get on wiv singin de hynms about how wearin golden crowns is gonna be cool.

Our spiritaul reading is very varried. Dere was a great story about St Thommas de Tank, who duobted de truth of de resurectoin and was turned into a train. Den we quite likes de blessed Winnie de Pau from de land of milk and honney. Bosco also gets spiritaul comfort from de tale of Allice in Wonderland wot got attacked by a bunny rabit. Here is anuvver story we read recently, which was about our Anti Moly's shcool days in Pottymouth.

Moly Basher

But dis week by mistake dey gave us a peom to read, what was called Xannadu. Dis have got some hard words in it and we didnt reely understand what it was about. Dere was somefink about a stately pleasure-dom, which suonds a bit like Farver Arfur's churhc, where he does his cosstume holly-man stand-in stuff, tellin poeple dat dey is all sinners wot can never be forgivven.

Farver Arfur

Allso dere was a bit in de peom about a woman wailin for her demmon lover.

When I got home I greeted my Anti Moly wiv a luvvin kiss. Well actaully I blew de kiss from de uvver side of de room, as I doesnt normally want to get too close, dem brokken noses takes a long time to heal.

"Is you wailin for your demmon lover, Anti Moly?" I asked.
Anti burst into tears, and said "Oh Goerge, Goerge, why did you leave me and become a Cradinal?"
"Cheer up, Anti," I said. "We just heard dat de Pop is an Antipop, so dat probbably Cardinals is Anticradinals, and de poor man will be commin back to you soon."

We now has a lotta poeple waitin by de telephon. Bosco wants his call from de Vattican to say he is de new Pop, and Anti Moly wants her Anticradinal to telephon and say he is commin to lay his heart at her grate big feet.


Some people finks dat my Anti Moly needs rehabillitatin, as if you reads dis blogg carelessly you may get de impression dat she is a bad-temperred old woman wot spends all nihgt on de Internnet insultin poeple. So I has taken it uppon myself to find 5 nice fings to say about her. It was gonna be 9, like de 9 Commandments we has in de Callumny Chappel Bibble (Bosco says de one abuot bearin false wetnurses was a mipsrint), but I ran out of ideas.

1. Anti Moly knows more Austrialan sware words dan anyone else I has met.
2. Aldough she aint saved, and she dont like de words "good" and "evil", she aint never murrdered anyone. How many poeple can say dat, Bosco?
3. Anti can drink a whole bottle of gin wivvout any change in her behavvior.
4. She got enuogh stammina to stay up until 5 a.m. bloggin every nihgt.
5. Anti's dog Cerberrus loves her very much, but she aint reely a dog pusson. We asked de vet to recommend a cat for her, and he said dat a pole cat was de anwser in her case. Dese are pussy cats from Polland, and dey will give Anti lots of luv.

Pollish cat

Lord Tebit, what is annuvver Tellegrahp blogger, has got one, wot was givven him by Micheal Foot. So Anti is in distingiushed companny.

Well dere we are. I hope dis proves dat Farver Arfur aint got a monolopy on bein charittable.


  1. You've got the style just right – it's hard to tell you and Damian apart these days. As has been suggested over at the "other place", Damian had better look to his laurels!

  2. Ullo, bruvver Frances. Of course Damain is a Cathlic and not saved, in fact he aint doin much relligiuos commenttary right now. So I tries to help.

  3. This is simply brilliant. DT's blog finally has a use - it inspired this!

  4. Well, fank you, Anon, but all I is doin is tellin folk what de life of a saved pusson is like.