Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Troll 1: Why don't you just crawl off and die? I'm going to kidnap your hamster and make it into a pie.
There's no use looking sweet. They're out to get you.
Worshipper 2: Just block him, Father.
Troll 2: Admit it, you're a sockpuppet of Eccles living simultaneously in Brighton, Corby and Spain.
Worshipper 3: Amen.
Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. Amen.
Worshipper 4: I've got a dreadful cold and the bus was late and there was a dirty old man on it smelling of haddock.
Worshipper 5: So the restaurant said "Yes, we do take-aways" and I replied "O.K. then, what's 97 minus 61?"
Worshipper 6: ROFL. Or do I mean LOL?
Worshipper 7: 46. No - it's 36.
Troll 3: All Catholics are vile you know. Richard Dawkins calls them "faith-heads". Which proves it.
Worshipper 2: I'm blocking you too.
Richard is wearing his "tasteless shirt of the day".
Priest: If I may continue?
Troll 2: Eccles has got 4 young daughters and 4 donkeys. I have the evidence.
Priest: The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
Worshipper 8: Shouldn't that be "fellowship"?
Worshipper 9: No, Catherine. When did you last go to Mass?
Worshipper 8: 95% of Tablet readers no longer attend Mass. I blame Arthur Roche - he did the new translation.
The guilty party.
Troll 2: Arthur Roche wouldn't let me become a priest, so I put on a biretta and sang rugby songs outside his bedroom window at 3 a.m.
Worshipper 2: I've blocked you.
Worshipper 3: And with your spirit.
Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. And with your spirit.
Priest: Is the right answer!
Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. Is the right answer!
Troll 1: Then I'll steal the Eccles cakes from your kitchen and jump on them.
After a troll attack.
Worshipper 10: Have you seen the "Our new heresy of the week" column in this week's Tablet?
Worshipper 11: No, my father won't have it in the house.
Priest: Brethren, let us acknowledge our sins, and so prepare ourselves to celebrate the sacred mysteries.
Worshipper 2: I've blocked you, Father. No, that can't be right.
Troll 4: Mysteries? You mean Agatha Christie? ROFL.
Priest: Oh, why do I bother?
Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that...